Earning the title of Mama = WORK

For all of you dealing with being a Step-Parent, their are a few things I need you to know.

(1)Your role in the lives of your "Step" Children is UP TO YOU. Their isn't a "How To" book on how to co-parent in a step-parent scenario. (And yes... I am fully aware that their are probably 32468406543135 books out their on this very topic. And yes, they are all full of crap! What I mean is that every relationship and every family is different. You need to WORK at finding a set of boundaries that works for everyone involved.)

(2)If you don't care enough to fight to matter, you WON'T matter.

(3)If you take the "YOU tuck them in, they're YOUR kids" approach, be prepared for the repricussions of your actions.

(4)They're kids....they're not stupid. Just because they're smaller than you, doesn't mean they're less intelligent. If you want to play "house" and pretend to care, but you know at the end of the day if things get hard you will be on the first bus out of Parent Town USA leaving those kids behind....they already know you feel that way. You're not fooling anyone.


It was hard being 21 years old and being thrust into Mama-ness with a 4 year old and a soon-to-be-born baby. I felt like I had been left at the Starting Gate naked, with a pile of clothes and running shoes, trying desperately to get dressed and laced up quickly enough to still be able to catch up and then keep pace with the rest of the runners. I feel like I have surpassed the expectations that even I had set for myself. I feel capable, and empowered. I never let ANYONE stand in my way when it comes to doing what is best for my boys. And yes, they are MY boys. Heaven help anyone who trys to play the "StepMom Card" with me. I have been there for Anxiety Attacks, Bee Stings, Custody Court Dates, Developmental Pediatricians, Emergency Room Visits, Fevers, Grades, Hayrides, Insomnia, Jumpin Jakes, Kicking and Screaming, Lolipops, Misfortune, Nebulizers, Open Wounds, Playdates, Quiet Time, Reading, Sleepovers, Time Outs, Up All Night, Vomit, Water Ballons, X-Rays, and Zebras("Be-Bras" as Holden used to call them). I have loved and I have been through everything a Mother would for these boys. Just because I did not contribute to their gene pool, and just because I didn't get the chance or the privelege of carrying them in my womb, does not mean that I am not a parent too. My name is MAMA in my house, to ALL of my children. I fought long, and I fought hard. I will NEVER look to replace their MOMMY. She earned her title, just as I did. I have no need to over step my boundaries, and I know in my head and in my heart where those boundaries are. We have finally found a way to balance our roles so that I feel respected, and she doesn't feel threatened. It isn't a perfect system. I am sure we have a life time of offending one another, and doing the wrong thing at times ahead of us. I'm not saying we won't have disagreements, or differences of opinions in the future. But, communication is OPEN now. And I think we are finally all on the same page. WORK for it.

After 3 REALLY hard years, we have found a way to co-parent in a way that makes us all happy. We have been to Hell and back. We have been against eachother, on the same Team, and everywhere in between. We have been at opposite sides of a Court Room, we have been on the same set of Baseball Bleachers. Through our journey the last few years I have come to the realization of this: It ALL (even the HORRIBLE stuff) had to happen. Without having had the bad times together, I don't think that we could have made progress to where we are now. It was the repair that took place, and the need to learn to trust eachother that made us open up the lines of communication. And through opening the lines of communication, we have found a brand new world....full of light, and laughter. It is a beautiful thing to be able to allow one another into the house when it's time to exchange the children. For any and all of you dealing with visitation and with "drop offs" and "pick ups"..... wouldn't it be nice to drive away with an empty back seat, KNOWING that you didn't have to cry the whole way home? KNOWING that they are safe? By keeping eachother in the dark, and not communicationg...you're filling eachothers heads with doubt. "Do they have enough toys there?" "Is it clean?" "What does their room look like?" "Is the fridge full?" You wouldn't let your kids stay over at the house of a friend from school without first scoping out the place and ensuring you feel its a safe environment. So, why don't all parents strive to have a relationship with the "Ex" so that you don't have to spend days and nights worrying when your children are at their other house? WORK for it.

If you plan on having a life-long relationship with your partner, you are ALSO planning on having a life-long connection to the Mother/Father of the children as well. It's not a commitment everyone is able to make. And the weak will walk away in search of an "easier" situation. I plan on being there the day my sons graduate HS and College, I plan on being there when they marry. And if I plan on being there, I damn well better plan on doing anything and everything within my power to ensure that those days go smoothly and that they won't have any added stress while making their guest lists. If the idea of "chumming up" with the other parent in the situation doesn't sound like your cup of tea, realize this:::: You're not doing it for YOU. You're doing it for THE KIDS. So, please. Grow the *BLEEP* up, and WORK for it.