Mudpies&Butterflies: :::Nola Ainsley Fallon Purcell:::

I wanted a baby, more than I'd ever wanted anything in my whole life.

I had already been blessed with a wonderfully, loving man. I was given a chance to be touched by Mama-ness with the two beautifully imperfect boys we are lucky enough to raise together.

I was so happy.

But....

My body, my soul BEGGED for a baby to grow inside of me. Their were days when I would start crying for no reason, other than I NEEDED to be pregnant. I NEEDED to be a Mommy. I would walk through the mall, and see baby bellies walk passed me....and my eyes would well up. My heart would ache.

Sean and I talked. We talked long and we talked hard. It wasn't your average "let's have our first baby" discussion. We already had two little ones, and all of the responsibility and expenses that they bring. We would talk and every time the conversation ended I always said, "Not now."

We had "The Baby Talk" so many times. I always weighed the pros and cons. It never felt "responsible" to plan a pregnancy. Neither of us had finished college yet, we both had 'jobs' not careers, and we weren't even married yet. ((In all reality, Sean was in fact still legally married to someone who was not me!!!!! LOL))

But, still I'd see a Belly....and my whole day was ruined. I was jealous beyond words. I stopped going to 'Gymboree' and 'The Children's Place', in fear of the Tummy Tea Time meeting that always seemed to take place after my arrival into the store. I didn't want a baby..... I NEEDED one.

I needed to feel closer to Sean, I needed to feel connected to my sons. I needed something that was OURS, and I needed to know that we didn't have to share that child with anyone. I needed to know that he and I could make decisions and not have to 'phone-a-friend' first. I needed to be there for EVERY first, and to know that EVERY time I wake up and walk to the crib....a baby would be sleeping there.

We sat down and talked one last time. Sean looked me in the eyes and said, "If we wait until the 'timing is right'...we will never have a baby". He scooped me up into his arms and carried me upstairs. <3

I remember taking a pregnancy test and sitting in the claw-foot bathtub, too scared to glance out over the side to look at the test resting upon the toilet seat. I slumped down, making only the sides of the tub and the ceiling visible. Had their been water inside, I would have been submerged entirely. I waited...thinking I could walk out without looking. ((LOL)) Promising myself no matter what it said, I would be ok. That just because I wasn't pregnant today, didn't mean I wouldn't be soon.

*Peek* "NOT PREGNANT". I died inside. I cried so long and so hard.

I waited 2 more days, I waited until Friday.

I took another test.

Again I crawled into the bathtub.

*Peek*

I was so happy, I cried then too.

I waited two whole days to tell Sean.. I waited until Sunday afternoon. Father's day. :0)

I wrapped the test and put it in a pretty bag.

He opened it and we cried together.

From THAT day, we talked about or love for that baby. We spoke about how perfect he/she would be. We sat for hoursssssss picking names. We talked about how beautiful the boys would look holding their brother or sister.

When it was time to go for the gender sonogram......I was beyond nervous. I had told God that I just wanted a happy, HEALTHY baby. ((But---If he could PLEASE make it a girl, that would be great!))

Sean had been married before.
He had rubbed a baby belly.
He'd had a son.
He had rubbed another belly.
He had had a second son.

I never had a FIRST with him.
I'd never be the first ((or second, SORRY HUN! lol)) he asked to marry him.
I'd never be the first girl in white he watched walk down an aisle towards him.
I'd never be the first 'Mrs. Purcell'.
I'd never get to make him a Daddy for the first time.

I wanted that Little Lady, I wanted a daughter more than anything.
Now, I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word.
I do not attend Church regularly, I do not say Grace.
I am selfish, and I find myself mostly talking to God in moments of turmoil and fear.

Bur during those first 20 weeks, I spoke to God. I talked to him a lot. I asked him to look back on the three years Sean and I had been together. I asked him to look deep within our hearts and to give us our little girl if he believed we were genuinely worthy of such a gift. I asked him to let us love her as much as we so desperately wanted to.

We arrived at that appointment: Me, Sean, Gavin, Holden, and my Mom. We all crammed into that tiny little, poorly lit ultra-sound space. Holden raced a Hotwheel over everyone's feet, and Gavin kept asking the lady what "Channel" our baby was on. ((LOL))

The cold blue jelly was placed on my tummy, and the Tech got to work. As soon as she found the baby.... My heart fluttered. Two beautifully perfect feet, in the shape of a heart appeared on the screen. My baby has perfect toes, I thought.

The Ultra Sound Tech moved around some more and measured what she needed to measure. She told me to breathe, and I realized I was holding my breath!

She smiled at me and said, "Do you want to know what it is?"
Sean grabbed my hand, and said "YES"

"Looks like.....a GIRL to me. Congratulations, Mom and Dad"

I cried then too.

And 13 hours past her due date, our little lady came into this World. I kept every promise I made to God for giving her to me. For giving us our FIRST.

She has brought so much joy and happiness to us all.
She smiles, and my heart grows.
I cannot express the feeling I get when she sees that her brothers have come back home.
Words do nothing to describe how beautiful she is.
I never knew how handsome Sean really is, until he held her in his arms for the first time and tears fell.
I wouldn't have believed anyone if they had told me how complete she would make our family.

Finalizing all the plans for her upcoming Birthday Party, I cannot believe that the day is almost upon us. It feels like just yesterday she was kicking Sean in the head while he tried to listen to her.