A Look Inside My Head

Now, seeing as I have been brutally honest since day one in this Blog....I have no intentions of stopping now. I think we as women have this unrealistic idea that we are each the only one who worries or has insecurities. Well, guess what? We ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL worry excessively and about things that we would never dare say aloud, for we know our friends would slap us for even thinking such things! This Blog entry? This Blog entry will be a full blown admission of the nonsense that has been plaguing my poor little brain, as of late.

Go get the laptop.
Pop some popcorn.
Get a blanket.
Find the comfy part on the couch.
And enjoy the insanity that are my thoughts:::::

::::Worry::::

I have been very pleased with my Blog, it has been a wonderful outlet for my thoughts and also a great way to document this time in my life....but I worry that I sound uneducated and every time I click "Publish Post" I panic.

:::Solution:::

I will start accepting compliments. This may seem a simple task, but I am a HORRIBLE example of someone who believes good things that are said about them.

:::Worry:::

I have taken the leap with REALLY getting serious with my photography. I invested in: a new camera, 5 lenses, a stylish camera bag & matching camera strap, business cards, signage, I now have a FB page, bought a website domain and I am in the works with having it designed. Yet....I worry. I worry that I will not have the income in which I projected and am working so feverishly to have. I look at the camera in my hand and think of all the other things that could have been purchased in it's place. I look at my (unfinished)education, and think OMG! What have I jumped into!?

:::Solution:::

I love photography. I could spend all day everyday clicking away and editing, and it will never feel like work. I will close my eyes, and wait for the year to be over before I whisper a word of doubt in myself. I will let my work and this year speak for itself.

:::Worry:::

I have decided I am a 'Jackie' of all trades. I can photograph, blog, do hair/make-up & nails, I can recreate anything I find on Pinterest, I can cook & bake, I can multi-task, I can find time to be Team Mom when I spend my days with 3 rowdy kidlets and my nights helping the homeless, I am a good friend and a great listener. I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to, and I do it better than well.  Then why, oh why am I unable to lose weight? I HATE what I see when I look in the mirror, and yet I cannot seem to commit to making the FULL effort in which it will take to change what I see when I look at the reflection before me. I worry that Sean is as un-attracted to the image before him, as I am. And (rational or not) I get sick every time I see Heather getting smaller and smaller. (Bless her, she has worked hard..and she looks GREAT) But, I cannot help but think (or, feel?) that I have to.... 'compete'?,with the 'ex-factor'. I mean, we've all done the facebook stalk to see who our boyfriend, fiance, husband, whoever dated before us....Well, I have her shrinkingness in front of me alllllllllllllllllllllll the time as a reminder of how HUGE I am. And while I know it's silly (but hey, thats what this entry is all about! hahah), it's the thought that plagues my mind most often. Now, I realize in the Real World, this is not an issue. But, in my head--- AGGHHHHH! lol I know realistically Sean and Heather were not meant for one another, and they never had the miraculous bond that Sean and I do. I mean they literally joke about how they were ever able to produce not one but two children together. They just weren't meant for a relationship, but they do make great friends :0) Regardless of the fact that I know it's silly to compare myself to anyone....because she is "the ex"....I cannot seem to stop!!!! I know that even if I hit up McDonalds, Pizza Hut and Wedny's everyday until I had to be lifted by a crane from my home...Sean would still look at me and say, "you're beautiful." He is a good man, and I don't deserve him. But, alas. I do not want to be simply 'beautiful' to him. I want to be hot, and sexy. I want I-need-you-right-now-on-the-floor, sex. I want to allow him to leave the lights on. I want to buy slutty, slinky lingerie and pretend he hired me. (What?!This is a blog about my thoughts, and  I think these things! LOL) I want to feel attractive, and I want to like what I see. While my weight has always been the singular thing that I would change about myself....I cannot seem to find the drive to change it. WHY?! For the love of God, why? I am so sick of double digit jeans, and of buying shirts labeled "L". I am sick of hating when the weather changes from cold to warm, and the anxiety of wearing tank tops and having that side-boob-arm-fat make it's Summer debut, sets in. I am sick of staying out of pictures, because I always hate how I look in them. I am sick of it all.

:::Solution:::

I have purchased P90X, and have cleared out the fridge. We have cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and broccoli for snacks. I will stay on task, and hopefully using a program that offers results in a smaller amount of time...I will be more likely to commit seeing as I am an instant gratification type of American (Weird, I know. LOL)

So Ladies...bottom line. You are not alone in your worries. We all worry. We worry about weird stuff that we never want to admit out loud. But, hopefully this admission will make you all feel a little more normal(ish). 

love.yourself

and if you dont

fix.you.til.you.do

<3Nichole