Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Lyrics that sing the songs of my heart
Almost four years ago, I met a Man.
I fell in Love with this Man.
This Man.....had BAGGAGE.
To all my fellow Step-Mama's:::: I am sure you all have your own definition of what "baggage" was. For me, Baggage was : Loving a man who had a separated marriage, a 4 yr old, and another baby on the way (from the separated marriage). Now, I have had MANY a dirty look whilst explaining this set of circumstances, and let me clarify::: I did NOT break up the marriage, I didn't steal a Married-Expectant Father from a Mommy-to-be. He was separated when I met him, thank you very much. You can stop looking down your noses at me now. We were both jaded. But, we shared something else as well::: We are forgiving, and we are compassionate. We are two people that have been hurt and have healed, and hurt again. We have different stories and took different roads to get together. But, somehow our hearts beat in the same rhythm and when we lay in bed together and start to drift off to sleep....our breathing patterns synchronize, and we fall asleep in tune. We needed each other, just like we need the air that keeps our chests rising and falling to the same beat. :0)
"I'm Looking For Baggage That Goes With Mine"
Some of you may have read the above paragraph and thought, "Why on EARTH did you willingly enter into that?!" My answer is simple: I was in love. When he holds me, and I close my eyes....I envision us gray and wrinkled, sitting on our front porch watching our Children run and play in our backyard with our Grandchildren. I AM in love. I looked ahead and I knew what I was getting myself into. But, I looked into his eyes....and all that faded. I looked past custody arrangements, and past all the drama. I knew WE could do it.
I look in his eyes, and all I see is forever. I look at our babies, and I see a tangible example of our love. They are kind, and they are thoughtful. They smile, and my life lights up. I cannot imagine a day without him or without them. We have had our hard days. By God, we have. But.....once night comes, I always find myself snuggled in his arms waiting for a new day to begin. I look at him, and he is all I want. He is all I need.
I look at our children, and I think::: "God, I am so very...very lucky to have them. I don't know what I did right to deserve them, but I am so happy they are mine." I cannot believe that my heart has enough room for so much love inside of it.
"Oh, and when the kids are old enough we're gonna teach them to....FLY."
I fell in Love with this Man.
This Man.....had BAGGAGE.
To all my fellow Step-Mama's:::: I am sure you all have your own definition of what "baggage" was. For me, Baggage was : Loving a man who had a separated marriage, a 4 yr old, and another baby on the way (from the separated marriage). Now, I have had MANY a dirty look whilst explaining this set of circumstances, and let me clarify::: I did NOT break up the marriage, I didn't steal a Married-Expectant Father from a Mommy-to-be. He was separated when I met him, thank you very much. You can stop looking down your noses at me now. We were both jaded. But, we shared something else as well::: We are forgiving, and we are compassionate. We are two people that have been hurt and have healed, and hurt again. We have different stories and took different roads to get together. But, somehow our hearts beat in the same rhythm and when we lay in bed together and start to drift off to sleep....our breathing patterns synchronize, and we fall asleep in tune. We needed each other, just like we need the air that keeps our chests rising and falling to the same beat. :0)
"I'm Looking For Baggage That Goes With Mine"
Some of you may have read the above paragraph and thought, "Why on EARTH did you willingly enter into that?!" My answer is simple: I was in love. When he holds me, and I close my eyes....I envision us gray and wrinkled, sitting on our front porch watching our Children run and play in our backyard with our Grandchildren. I AM in love. I looked ahead and I knew what I was getting myself into. But, I looked into his eyes....and all that faded. I looked past custody arrangements, and past all the drama. I knew WE could do it.
"You and Me Together, We Can Do Anything...Baby"
I look in his eyes, and all I see is forever. I look at our babies, and I see a tangible example of our love. They are kind, and they are thoughtful. They smile, and my life lights up. I cannot imagine a day without him or without them. We have had our hard days. By God, we have. But.....once night comes, I always find myself snuggled in his arms waiting for a new day to begin. I look at him, and he is all I want. He is all I need.
"Marry, Me. Today and Everyday"
I look at our children, and I think::: "God, I am so very...very lucky to have them. I don't know what I did right to deserve them, but I am so happy they are mine." I cannot believe that my heart has enough room for so much love inside of it.
"Oh, and when the kids are old enough we're gonna teach them to....FLY."
Monday, February 20, 2012
:::Nola Ainsley Fallon Purcell:::
I wanted a baby, more than I'd ever wanted anything in my whole life.
I had already been blessed with a wonderfully, loving man. I was given a chance to be touched by Mama-ness with the two beautifully imperfect boys we are lucky enough to raise together.
I was so happy.
But....
My body, my soul BEGGED for a baby to grow inside of me. Their were days when I would start crying for no reason, other than I NEEDED to be pregnant. I NEEDED to be a Mommy. I would walk through the mall, and see baby bellies walk passed me....and my eyes would well up. My heart would ache.
Sean and I talked. We talked long and we talked hard. It wasn't your average "let's have our first baby" discussion. We already had two little ones, and all of the responsibility and expenses that they bring. We would talk and every time the conversation ended I always said, "Not now."
We had "The Baby Talk" so many times. I always weighed the pros and cons. It never felt "responsible" to plan a pregnancy. Neither of us had finished college yet, we both had 'jobs' not careers, and we weren't even married yet. ((In all reality, Sean was in fact still legally married to someone who was not me!!!!! LOL))
But, still I'd see a Belly....and my whole day was ruined. I was jealous beyond words. I stopped going to 'Gymboree' and 'The Children's Place', in fear of the Tummy Tea Time meeting that always seemed to take place after my arrival into the store. I didn't want a baby..... I NEEDED one.
I needed to feel closer to Sean, I needed to feel connected to my sons. I needed something that was OURS, and I needed to know that we didn't have to share that child with anyone. I needed to know that he and I could make decisions and not have to 'phone-a-friend' first. I needed to be there for EVERY first, and to know that EVERY time I wake up and walk to the crib....a baby would be sleeping there.
We sat down and talked one last time. Sean looked me in the eyes and said, "If we wait until the 'timing is right'...we will never have a baby". He scooped me up into his arms and carried me upstairs. <3
I remember taking a pregnancy test and sitting in the claw-foot bathtub, too scared to glance out over the side to look at the test resting upon the toilet seat. I slumped down, making only the sides of the tub and the ceiling visible. Had their been water inside, I would have been submerged entirely. I waited...thinking I could walk out without looking. ((LOL)) Promising myself no matter what it said, I would be ok. That just because I wasn't pregnant today, didn't mean I wouldn't be soon.
*Peek* "NOT PREGNANT". I died inside. I cried so long and so hard.
I waited 2 more days, I waited until Friday.
I took another test.
Again I crawled into the bathtub.
*Peek*
I was so happy, I cried then too.
I waited two whole days to tell Sean.. I waited until Sunday afternoon. Father's day. :0)
I wrapped the test and put it in a pretty bag.
He opened it and we cried together.
From THAT day, we talked about or love for that baby. We spoke about how perfect he/she would be. We sat for hoursssssss picking names. We talked about how beautiful the boys would look holding their brother or sister.
When it was time to go for the gender sonogram......I was beyond nervous. I had told God that I just wanted a happy, HEALTHY baby. ((But---If he could PLEASE make it a girl, that would be great!))
Sean had been married before.
He had rubbed a baby belly.
He'd had a son.
He had rubbed another belly.
He had had a second son.
I never had a FIRST with him.
I'd never be the first ((or second, SORRY HUN! lol)) he asked to marry him.
I'd never be the first girl in white he watched walk down an aisle towards him.
I'd never be the first 'Mrs. Purcell'.
I'd never get to make him a Daddy for the first time.
I wanted that Little Lady, I wanted a daughter more than anything.
Now, I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word.
I do not attend Church regularly, I do not say Grace.
I am selfish, and I find myself mostly talking to God in moments of turmoil and fear.
Bur during those first 20 weeks, I spoke to God. I talked to him a lot. I asked him to look back on the three years Sean and I had been together. I asked him to look deep within our hearts and to give us our little girl if he believed we were genuinely worthy of such a gift. I asked him to let us love her as much as we so desperately wanted to.
We arrived at that appointment: Me, Sean, Gavin, Holden, and my Mom. We all crammed into that tiny little, poorly lit ultra-sound space. Holden raced a Hotwheel over everyone's feet, and Gavin kept asking the lady what "Channel" our baby was on. ((LOL))
The cold blue jelly was placed on my tummy, and the Tech got to work. As soon as she found the baby.... My heart fluttered. Two beautifully perfect feet, in the shape of a heart appeared on the screen. My baby has perfect toes, I thought.
The Ultra Sound Tech moved around some more and measured what she needed to measure. She told me to breathe, and I realized I was holding my breath!
She smiled at me and said, "Do you want to know what it is?"
Sean grabbed my hand, and said "YES"
"Looks like.....a GIRL to me. Congratulations, Mom and Dad"
I cried then too.
And 13 hours past her due date, our little lady came into this World. I kept every promise I made to God for giving her to me. For giving us our FIRST.
She has brought so much joy and happiness to us all.
She smiles, and my heart grows.
I cannot express the feeling I get when she sees that her brothers have come back home.
Words do nothing to describe how beautiful she is.
I never knew how handsome Sean really is, until he held her in his arms for the first time and tears fell.
I wouldn't have believed anyone if they had told me how complete she would make our family.
Finalizing all the plans for her upcoming Birthday Party, I cannot believe that the day is almost upon us. It feels like just yesterday she was kicking Sean in the head while he tried to listen to her.
I feel like Sean and I JUST drove to New City to have my belly cast done.
It feels like Holden was just zooming Hotwheels across my tummy "teaching" Nola-Belly how to play.
I swear I just took a picture of Gavin kissing my ever growing belly.
I love my daughter, and I wish I could slow down how quickly this amazing year is passing us by. <3
((Nola 6 Months Old))
I had already been blessed with a wonderfully, loving man. I was given a chance to be touched by Mama-ness with the two beautifully imperfect boys we are lucky enough to raise together.
I was so happy.
But....
My body, my soul BEGGED for a baby to grow inside of me. Their were days when I would start crying for no reason, other than I NEEDED to be pregnant. I NEEDED to be a Mommy. I would walk through the mall, and see baby bellies walk passed me....and my eyes would well up. My heart would ache.
Sean and I talked. We talked long and we talked hard. It wasn't your average "let's have our first baby" discussion. We already had two little ones, and all of the responsibility and expenses that they bring. We would talk and every time the conversation ended I always said, "Not now."
We had "The Baby Talk" so many times. I always weighed the pros and cons. It never felt "responsible" to plan a pregnancy. Neither of us had finished college yet, we both had 'jobs' not careers, and we weren't even married yet. ((In all reality, Sean was in fact still legally married to someone who was not me!!!!! LOL))
But, still I'd see a Belly....and my whole day was ruined. I was jealous beyond words. I stopped going to 'Gymboree' and 'The Children's Place', in fear of the Tummy Tea Time meeting that always seemed to take place after my arrival into the store. I didn't want a baby..... I NEEDED one.
I needed to feel closer to Sean, I needed to feel connected to my sons. I needed something that was OURS, and I needed to know that we didn't have to share that child with anyone. I needed to know that he and I could make decisions and not have to 'phone-a-friend' first. I needed to be there for EVERY first, and to know that EVERY time I wake up and walk to the crib....a baby would be sleeping there.
We sat down and talked one last time. Sean looked me in the eyes and said, "If we wait until the 'timing is right'...we will never have a baby". He scooped me up into his arms and carried me upstairs. <3
I remember taking a pregnancy test and sitting in the claw-foot bathtub, too scared to glance out over the side to look at the test resting upon the toilet seat. I slumped down, making only the sides of the tub and the ceiling visible. Had their been water inside, I would have been submerged entirely. I waited...thinking I could walk out without looking. ((LOL)) Promising myself no matter what it said, I would be ok. That just because I wasn't pregnant today, didn't mean I wouldn't be soon.
*Peek* "NOT PREGNANT". I died inside. I cried so long and so hard.
I waited 2 more days, I waited until Friday.
I took another test.
Again I crawled into the bathtub.
*Peek*
I was so happy, I cried then too.
I waited two whole days to tell Sean.. I waited until Sunday afternoon. Father's day. :0)
I wrapped the test and put it in a pretty bag.
He opened it and we cried together.
From THAT day, we talked about or love for that baby. We spoke about how perfect he/she would be. We sat for hoursssssss picking names. We talked about how beautiful the boys would look holding their brother or sister.
When it was time to go for the gender sonogram......I was beyond nervous. I had told God that I just wanted a happy, HEALTHY baby. ((But---If he could PLEASE make it a girl, that would be great!))
Sean had been married before.
He had rubbed a baby belly.
He'd had a son.
He had rubbed another belly.
He had had a second son.
I never had a FIRST with him.
I'd never be the first ((or second, SORRY HUN! lol)) he asked to marry him.
I'd never be the first girl in white he watched walk down an aisle towards him.
I'd never be the first 'Mrs. Purcell'.
I'd never get to make him a Daddy for the first time.
I wanted that Little Lady, I wanted a daughter more than anything.
Now, I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word.
I do not attend Church regularly, I do not say Grace.
I am selfish, and I find myself mostly talking to God in moments of turmoil and fear.
Bur during those first 20 weeks, I spoke to God. I talked to him a lot. I asked him to look back on the three years Sean and I had been together. I asked him to look deep within our hearts and to give us our little girl if he believed we were genuinely worthy of such a gift. I asked him to let us love her as much as we so desperately wanted to.
We arrived at that appointment: Me, Sean, Gavin, Holden, and my Mom. We all crammed into that tiny little, poorly lit ultra-sound space. Holden raced a Hotwheel over everyone's feet, and Gavin kept asking the lady what "Channel" our baby was on. ((LOL))
The cold blue jelly was placed on my tummy, and the Tech got to work. As soon as she found the baby.... My heart fluttered. Two beautifully perfect feet, in the shape of a heart appeared on the screen. My baby has perfect toes, I thought.
The Ultra Sound Tech moved around some more and measured what she needed to measure. She told me to breathe, and I realized I was holding my breath!
She smiled at me and said, "Do you want to know what it is?"
Sean grabbed my hand, and said "YES"
"Looks like.....a GIRL to me. Congratulations, Mom and Dad"
I cried then too.
And 13 hours past her due date, our little lady came into this World. I kept every promise I made to God for giving her to me. For giving us our FIRST.
She has brought so much joy and happiness to us all.
She smiles, and my heart grows.
I cannot express the feeling I get when she sees that her brothers have come back home.
Words do nothing to describe how beautiful she is.
I never knew how handsome Sean really is, until he held her in his arms for the first time and tears fell.
I wouldn't have believed anyone if they had told me how complete she would make our family.
Finalizing all the plans for her upcoming Birthday Party, I cannot believe that the day is almost upon us. It feels like just yesterday she was kicking Sean in the head while he tried to listen to her.
It feels like Holden was just zooming Hotwheels across my tummy "teaching" Nola-Belly how to play.
I swear I just took a picture of Gavin kissing my ever growing belly.
I love my daughter, and I wish I could slow down how quickly this amazing year is passing us by. <3
((Nola 6 Months Old))
Weirdly Strange, and Strangely Weird
A lemur? We don't even carry lemurs! I'm not even sure I know what a lemur is! Wait, is that that small primate-looking thing?
An accountant. According to the word, it must be a cross between a counter and a mutant and that may be precisely what we need.
Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart.
Mortamer fetch!.....Stupid zebra.
Anything can happen. How absolutely true. You're exactly the mutant I'm looking for! You're hired.
A stroke, you unbrookable ninny. The only stroke I have ever had is one of genius.
No. We Breathe. We Pulse. We Regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. Thirty-seven seconds, well used, is a lifetime.
Just needed to take a moment to document the Wonderment that is Mr. Magorium.
He makes me ever so happy.
THE END.
<3 love <3
An accountant. According to the word, it must be a cross between a counter and a mutant and that may be precisely what we need.
Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart.
Mortamer fetch!.....Stupid zebra.
Anything can happen. How absolutely true. You're exactly the mutant I'm looking for! You're hired.
A stroke, you unbrookable ninny. The only stroke I have ever had is one of genius.
No. We Breathe. We Pulse. We Regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. Thirty-seven seconds, well used, is a lifetime.
Just needed to take a moment to document the Wonderment that is Mr. Magorium.
He makes me ever so happy.
THE END.
<3 love <3
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
April is Autism Awarness Month
When I met Gavin, he was four years old. He didn't speak in complete sentences, and being an assistant teacher in a Daycare....I saw red flags. He could, however, count backwards and forwards to 500. Again, though I was incredibly proud and BEAMED with joy for his ability---I saw red flags. He had a very difficult time putting words to his emotions. Things like, "I feel mad" or "I am Happy" didn't come to him easily.
He fixated on a specific group of toys, and new EVVVVVVERYTHING their was to know about them. My favorite game to play with him, "Race The Clock", a game I created after seeing his ability.I would dump out every single Thomas The Tank Engine & Friends toy he had into a pile, and then picking them up one by one as FAST as I could with a stop watch, we would see how fast he could name them. He was fast. Really fast. When we weren't "Racing The Clock", he would methodically act out scenes from episodes of the show. I learned very quickly if I wanted to play trains with him, and not get yelled at, I needed to watch said episode and play and use dialog that was appropriate from the episode that he was pulling his information from.
Gavin did not try new foods easily, did not welcome change, and was a MONSTER when life got in the way of a days schedule and you had to inform him that something needed to be cancelled or rescheduled.He didn't hug often, and he never 'pursed' or 'puckered' his lips for kisses.
Gavin began attending the Daycare where I worked, and I had the opportunity to see him in a whole new environment. At 4 years old he preferred to play parallel to his classmates, rather than WITH them. The class would break up into small groups of 3 or 4 children and make a Lego Tower, or a foam block castle....but Gavin would be separate. He would be close...but not "with" the group.
My baby was....."different" from other children that were 4 years old.
At his Kindergarten screening, they told us that he presented some issues with lack of attention. And that his answer's were, "Not Typical." Not wrong....just, different than any other child's.
Kindergarten was hard. He was teased and bullied on the bus, and LORD HELP ME I spent more time on the phone with the school and at the bus garage trying to make sure he was safe at school than I did breathing that year.
First Grade was also rough, more talk of his lack of attention, and his inability to stay on task. But, the two teacher's he had were always so kind and so endearing that we never felt the issue was worth being too concerned about. It's difficult to know whether you are being a parent who over reacts...or one who UNDER reacts. As a Mama, you don't want to do either.
First Grade ended and summer came....Then, the 'tics' soon followed. We all noticed the semi-violent head twitching. The 'kicking' he did with his chin towards the ceiling. Gavin had always had a "habit" of clearing his throat, but with the addition of the physical 'tics', we couldn't help but wonder if the throat clearing was habit....or something more? We discussed our concerns as Co-Parents. We decided now was the time to play the "Better Safe Than Sorry" card. We made an appointment with his pediatrician and Heather and I went to speak with him while Sean was stuck at work. We voiced our concerns and explained the research we had done. The hours that she and I had spent on Google at our respective homes, was CRAMMED into a 15 minute doctor's appointment. He was fair, and he was honest. Saying that if we felt that strongly about our concerns, then we were his parents and we should not stop until we heard the answer we wanted. But, alas.... he fully admitted that he genuinely had very little experience with the things we were discussing and he recommended we see a developmental pediatrician.*GASP*
We found one we all agreed on, and Valhalla called to us.
August 3, 2011.
Sean and I had to adventure together, because Mommy-Heather was stuck at work. We all knew that putting off the appointment any longer would be detrimental to Gavin, no matter how much we ALL wanted to be there. So, we the three of us made the choice to keep the appointment, and that Heather would be there in spirit. Sean and I sat side by side in the too-small-for-the-chairs-they-have-in-there, room. We sat amidst the Doctor and the 3 interns he had observing. We sat with Gavin on my lap, and they talked about him like he wasn't there. It was blunt, and emotionless, and void of facial expression.
"We believe your son has Asperger's, Tourtette's and ADHD."
BAM! A heavy blow, right to the heart.
It was a hard car ride home. Sean spent the ride choking back tears, and I spent the ride explaining everything that the doctor had said, to Gavin. He was curious, and once I had explained the appointment to him in child appropriate terms...he was actually relieved. He was so excited to hear that their was a word for the "Weird" things he does, and was THRILLED to learn that their are other kids and people just like him!
We got back to my Mom and Dad's house, where Holden and Nola had been, and took a minute to go outside and collect our thoughts. It would take a few days for the reality of those 9 words to set in. But, Heather was on her way to pick the boys up and we had to regroup and put our game faces on. We had had our time to think, and to cry, and hold each other in weakness. She deserved her chance to be emotional and to break down. She needed us to be strong, and she needed us to allow her to have her moment to be weak. The three of us sat on My Parents' front porch, and I told her everything that Dr. Belkin had told us.
She had her moment. And we all sat on that porch together in silence as just a few tears escaped from behind her sunglasses, and fell from her cheeks to her chest. An appropriate place for them to land, right on her heart.
Something happened in that moment.
Something changed between the three of us in those silent moments.
We were all a little closer as Co-Parents, after that.
Suddenly, we weren't taking separate roads down our sons' future.
We had to change lanes and end up together, riding the hills and valley's of life together, for their sake.
We, were TEAM GAVIN.
We quickly realized that, while it was an initial blow to our hearts, his diagnosis (which were all confirmed after testing in July/September 2011), do not DEFINE him. He is still our Gavin, and placing a label on him didn't change anything. He is the same little boy I met 3+ years ago, Asperger's or no Asperger's.
I have also had the privilege of having made two AMAZING new friends, Cheryl Broach-McClinsey and her husband Jason. They also (Ironically) has a Gavin with Asperger's and Tourette's. And it is beyond comforting to know that other parents know what we go through, and that we can send a simple text saying "Ugh" and we both just know.
Dealing with anxiety attacks, rigid routines, self doubt, a child that HATES turtle necks, dealing with a lesser amount of hugs and kisses than "normal" (and knowing how VERY special they are when you get them!), dirty looks in supermarkets and at the mall, little/no eye contact, and a laundry list of other quirks....bring us all together <3
We are our own little community, and we all speak a language foreign to others. We have challenges that other parents know nothing about. But, we have rewards that they cannot understand as well.
My sons name is, Gavin.
<3 And I love him from here....to the Moon. <3
Photography, and the anxiety it causes me.
I am many things.
I am a Great Mama & Mommy.
I am a hard worker.
I am compassionate.
I am a good friend.
I am (now) a blogger.
I am a night owl.
I am LOUD.
I am caring.
I am fun.
I am NOT confident. (well....not in my potential for success anyway.)
I am absolutely panicking about 2012. I have promised many people in my life that THIS will be the year that I get serious about photography. I have spent the last 2 years building up my albums and doing free shoots, to be able to create a website that will accurately portray what I am capable of. I had a WONDERFUL year with my Canon Rebel, and I learned so much!
2012 will see me saying goodbye to my friend, my Rebel. I have (literally, an hour ago) purchased a $OMFG.00 replacement. It is currently "Scheduled For Shipping Soon" and should be at the post office no later than February 27, 2012.
I am absolutely horrified that I have made an investment, that is destined to disappoint all those who have supported me in my endeavors. I am absolutely having an ANXIETY ATTACK at the thought of disappointing Sean. He has backed every decision I have made with a camera in my hand. He has supported me every step of the way. He is the one that clicked the "Continue To Check Out" button on Amazon.com this morning, when the panic set in and I had to walk away. He is the one who assures me that it is a smart decision, and that I smile more honestly when I get BEHIND the lens. His is the voice I hear when the terror sets in.
I have an amazing designer working on my watermark. ((Shout out to Meghan Skelly))
I have a FB page almost ready, I'm just waiting on the watermark to add all my albums.
I have a website almost ready to publish.
And business cards have been ordered.
This year, I WILL do this for real.
This year will be a learning experience, and I will grow.
This year will be scary, and amazing.
This year will be amazingly scary.
So, having said all that. I have decided to change the name of my photography."From Here To The Moon" isn't WHO I am. It's what I SAY to my children before bedtime. While it is deeply personal and holds a place in my heart that no one else will ever reach....I feel it doesn't appropriately account for the type of business I wish to have.
I want clients to come to me for their memory keeping because they want someone who will tell them to climb into trees, and jump off of brick walls, and throw their baby boys in the air, and roll around in a pile of leaves. I want to be a photographer who is described as: Fun, Adventurous, Inventive, Spontaneous, Creative, Hyper, and Memorable.
So, watch me grow this year.
You can follow me (soon) at:
SNAPPEDphotography
I am a Great Mama & Mommy.
I am a hard worker.
I am compassionate.
I am a good friend.
I am (now) a blogger.
I am a night owl.
I am LOUD.
I am caring.
I am fun.
I am NOT confident. (well....not in my potential for success anyway.)
I am absolutely panicking about 2012. I have promised many people in my life that THIS will be the year that I get serious about photography. I have spent the last 2 years building up my albums and doing free shoots, to be able to create a website that will accurately portray what I am capable of. I had a WONDERFUL year with my Canon Rebel, and I learned so much!
2012 will see me saying goodbye to my friend, my Rebel. I have (literally, an hour ago) purchased a $OMFG.00 replacement. It is currently "Scheduled For Shipping Soon" and should be at the post office no later than February 27, 2012.
I am absolutely horrified that I have made an investment, that is destined to disappoint all those who have supported me in my endeavors. I am absolutely having an ANXIETY ATTACK at the thought of disappointing Sean. He has backed every decision I have made with a camera in my hand. He has supported me every step of the way. He is the one that clicked the "Continue To Check Out" button on Amazon.com this morning, when the panic set in and I had to walk away. He is the one who assures me that it is a smart decision, and that I smile more honestly when I get BEHIND the lens. His is the voice I hear when the terror sets in.
I have an amazing designer working on my watermark. ((Shout out to Meghan Skelly))
I have a FB page almost ready, I'm just waiting on the watermark to add all my albums.
I have a website almost ready to publish.
And business cards have been ordered.
This year, I WILL do this for real.
This year will be a learning experience, and I will grow.
This year will be scary, and amazing.
This year will be amazingly scary.
So, having said all that. I have decided to change the name of my photography."From Here To The Moon" isn't WHO I am. It's what I SAY to my children before bedtime. While it is deeply personal and holds a place in my heart that no one else will ever reach....I feel it doesn't appropriately account for the type of business I wish to have.
I want clients to come to me for their memory keeping because they want someone who will tell them to climb into trees, and jump off of brick walls, and throw their baby boys in the air, and roll around in a pile of leaves. I want to be a photographer who is described as: Fun, Adventurous, Inventive, Spontaneous, Creative, Hyper, and Memorable.
So, watch me grow this year.
You can follow me (soon) at:
SNAPPEDphotography
Monday, February 13, 2012
:::Valentine's Day:::
Tomorrow is my FAVORITE holiday.
It's a day of love and of laughter.
A day of waking up and kissing eachother a little bit longer.
A day where you see girls smiling as they walk to their car carrying flowers.
A day where men are proud of their grand gestures.
A day of babies dressed in pink and red, and little boys clad in ties and vests.
It's the day we all doodled about in our composition books in high school.
To me, tomorrow is a day to do something kind and thoughtful for someone who isn't expecting it. A day full of opportunities to bring a smile to a sad face. A day to make someone feel like they're important to you. A day to make them feel loved, and cared for.
It's a day to cut snadwiches into hearts, and to write "I Love You" onthe napkin your son/daughter takes in their lunch box. It's a day to make pink strawberry milk and dunk oreos with red centers into it. It's a day full of lolipops and Hershey's Kisses.
It's a day to spoil one another. It's a day to remember that it's ok to stop being "Mom" or "Dad" for a day, and to be a Lover. It's ok to be mushy and romantic, and ((dirty)) ohhh myyyy! ;-p It's ok to have more than one glass of wine, and it's ok to dump the kids on Grandma and hit the town. It's ok to ditch the modest work-appropriate clothes, and take your hair down! So hop in the car, and drive to Victoria's Secret, spend too much on wearing far too little, and buy something a little slutty (in the good way, of course! Meoooow, Hot Mama!!!).So many of us have become entranced at the idea of being the "Perfect" parent, that we have lost sight of maintining a GREAT relationship. Now, I don't know about you....but the last time Sean and I went on a "date-night" just the two of us was 21 months ago. ((YES, Thats right....TWENTY ONE months ago!)) And you know what? I know I'm a great Mama. So, I am looking forward to possibly planning a date night for this Valentine's Day :0)
So, to all of you:::: enjoy your heart shaped cards, enjoy your strawberry milk, smell your flowers, and give too many kisses! :0)
<3 Happy Valentine's Day <3
It's a day of love and of laughter.
A day of waking up and kissing eachother a little bit longer.
A day where you see girls smiling as they walk to their car carrying flowers.
A day where men are proud of their grand gestures.
A day of babies dressed in pink and red, and little boys clad in ties and vests.
It's the day we all doodled about in our composition books in high school.
To me, tomorrow is a day to do something kind and thoughtful for someone who isn't expecting it. A day full of opportunities to bring a smile to a sad face. A day to make someone feel like they're important to you. A day to make them feel loved, and cared for.
It's a day to cut snadwiches into hearts, and to write "I Love You" onthe napkin your son/daughter takes in their lunch box. It's a day to make pink strawberry milk and dunk oreos with red centers into it. It's a day full of lolipops and Hershey's Kisses.
It's a day to spoil one another. It's a day to remember that it's ok to stop being "Mom" or "Dad" for a day, and to be a Lover. It's ok to be mushy and romantic, and ((dirty)) ohhh myyyy! ;-p It's ok to have more than one glass of wine, and it's ok to dump the kids on Grandma and hit the town. It's ok to ditch the modest work-appropriate clothes, and take your hair down! So hop in the car, and drive to Victoria's Secret, spend too much on wearing far too little, and buy something a little slutty (in the good way, of course! Meoooow, Hot Mama!!!).So many of us have become entranced at the idea of being the "Perfect" parent, that we have lost sight of maintining a GREAT relationship. Now, I don't know about you....but the last time Sean and I went on a "date-night" just the two of us was 21 months ago. ((YES, Thats right....TWENTY ONE months ago!)) And you know what? I know I'm a great Mama. So, I am looking forward to possibly planning a date night for this Valentine's Day :0)
So, to all of you:::: enjoy your heart shaped cards, enjoy your strawberry milk, smell your flowers, and give too many kisses! :0)
<3 Happy Valentine's Day <3
Friday, February 10, 2012
Earning the title of Mama = WORK
For all of you dealing with being a Step-Parent, their are a few things I need you to know.
(1)Your role in the lives of your "Step" Children is UP TO YOU. Their isn't a "How To" book on how to co-parent in a step-parent scenario. (And yes... I am fully aware that their are probably 32468406543135 books out their on this very topic. And yes, they are all full of crap! What I mean is that every relationship and every family is different. You need to WORK at finding a set of boundaries that works for everyone involved.)
(2)If you don't care enough to fight to matter, you WON'T matter.
(3)If you take the "YOU tuck them in, they're YOUR kids" approach, be prepared for the repricussions of your actions.
(4)They're kids....they're not stupid. Just because they're smaller than you, doesn't mean they're less intelligent. If you want to play "house" and pretend to care, but you know at the end of the day if things get hard you will be on the first bus out of Parent Town USA leaving those kids behind....they already know you feel that way. You're not fooling anyone.
It was hard being 21 years old and being thrust into Mama-ness with a 4 year old and a soon-to-be-born baby. I felt like I had been left at the Starting Gate naked, with a pile of clothes and running shoes, trying desperately to get dressed and laced up quickly enough to still be able to catch up and then keep pace with the rest of the runners. I feel like I have surpassed the expectations that even I had set for myself. I feel capable, and empowered. I never let ANYONE stand in my way when it comes to doing what is best for my boys. And yes, they are MY boys. Heaven help anyone who trys to play the "StepMom Card" with me. I have been there for Anxiety Attacks, Bee Stings, Custody Court Dates, Developmental Pediatricians, Emergency Room Visits, Fevers, Grades, Hayrides, Insomnia, Jumpin Jakes, Kicking and Screaming, Lolipops, Misfortune, Nebulizers, Open Wounds, Playdates, Quiet Time, Reading, Sleepovers, Time Outs, Up All Night, Vomit, Water Ballons, X-Rays, and Zebras("Be-Bras" as Holden used to call them). I have loved and I have been through everything a Mother would for these boys. Just because I did not contribute to their gene pool, and just because I didn't get the chance or the privelege of carrying them in my womb, does not mean that I am not a parent too. My name is MAMA in my house, to ALL of my children. I fought long, and I fought hard. I will NEVER look to replace their MOMMY. She earned her title, just as I did. I have no need to over step my boundaries, and I know in my head and in my heart where those boundaries are. We have finally found a way to balance our roles so that I feel respected, and she doesn't feel threatened. It isn't a perfect system. I am sure we have a life time of offending one another, and doing the wrong thing at times ahead of us. I'm not saying we won't have disagreements, or differences of opinions in the future. But, communication is OPEN now. And I think we are finally all on the same page. WORK for it.
After 3 REALLY hard years, we have found a way to co-parent in a way that makes us all happy. We have been to Hell and back. We have been against eachother, on the same Team, and everywhere in between. We have been at opposite sides of a Court Room, we have been on the same set of Baseball Bleachers. Through our journey the last few years I have come to the realization of this: It ALL (even the HORRIBLE stuff) had to happen. Without having had the bad times together, I don't think that we could have made progress to where we are now. It was the repair that took place, and the need to learn to trust eachother that made us open up the lines of communication. And through opening the lines of communication, we have found a brand new world....full of light, and laughter. It is a beautiful thing to be able to allow one another into the house when it's time to exchange the children. For any and all of you dealing with visitation and with "drop offs" and "pick ups"..... wouldn't it be nice to drive away with an empty back seat, KNOWING that you didn't have to cry the whole way home? KNOWING that they are safe? By keeping eachother in the dark, and not communicationg...you're filling eachothers heads with doubt. "Do they have enough toys there?" "Is it clean?" "What does their room look like?" "Is the fridge full?" You wouldn't let your kids stay over at the house of a friend from school without first scoping out the place and ensuring you feel its a safe environment. So, why don't all parents strive to have a relationship with the "Ex" so that you don't have to spend days and nights worrying when your children are at their other house? WORK for it.
If you plan on having a life-long relationship with your partner, you are ALSO planning on having a life-long connection to the Mother/Father of the children as well. It's not a commitment everyone is able to make. And the weak will walk away in search of an "easier" situation. I plan on being there the day my sons graduate HS and College, I plan on being there when they marry. And if I plan on being there, I damn well better plan on doing anything and everything within my power to ensure that those days go smoothly and that they won't have any added stress while making their guest lists. If the idea of "chumming up" with the other parent in the situation doesn't sound like your cup of tea, realize this:::: You're not doing it for YOU. You're doing it for THE KIDS. So, please. Grow the *BLEEP* up, and WORK for it.
(1)Your role in the lives of your "Step" Children is UP TO YOU. Their isn't a "How To" book on how to co-parent in a step-parent scenario. (And yes... I am fully aware that their are probably 32468406543135 books out their on this very topic. And yes, they are all full of crap! What I mean is that every relationship and every family is different. You need to WORK at finding a set of boundaries that works for everyone involved.)
(2)If you don't care enough to fight to matter, you WON'T matter.
(3)If you take the "YOU tuck them in, they're YOUR kids" approach, be prepared for the repricussions of your actions.
(4)They're kids....they're not stupid. Just because they're smaller than you, doesn't mean they're less intelligent. If you want to play "house" and pretend to care, but you know at the end of the day if things get hard you will be on the first bus out of Parent Town USA leaving those kids behind....they already know you feel that way. You're not fooling anyone.
It was hard being 21 years old and being thrust into Mama-ness with a 4 year old and a soon-to-be-born baby. I felt like I had been left at the Starting Gate naked, with a pile of clothes and running shoes, trying desperately to get dressed and laced up quickly enough to still be able to catch up and then keep pace with the rest of the runners. I feel like I have surpassed the expectations that even I had set for myself. I feel capable, and empowered. I never let ANYONE stand in my way when it comes to doing what is best for my boys. And yes, they are MY boys. Heaven help anyone who trys to play the "StepMom Card" with me. I have been there for Anxiety Attacks, Bee Stings, Custody Court Dates, Developmental Pediatricians, Emergency Room Visits, Fevers, Grades, Hayrides, Insomnia, Jumpin Jakes, Kicking and Screaming, Lolipops, Misfortune, Nebulizers, Open Wounds, Playdates, Quiet Time, Reading, Sleepovers, Time Outs, Up All Night, Vomit, Water Ballons, X-Rays, and Zebras("Be-Bras" as Holden used to call them). I have loved and I have been through everything a Mother would for these boys. Just because I did not contribute to their gene pool, and just because I didn't get the chance or the privelege of carrying them in my womb, does not mean that I am not a parent too. My name is MAMA in my house, to ALL of my children. I fought long, and I fought hard. I will NEVER look to replace their MOMMY. She earned her title, just as I did. I have no need to over step my boundaries, and I know in my head and in my heart where those boundaries are. We have finally found a way to balance our roles so that I feel respected, and she doesn't feel threatened. It isn't a perfect system. I am sure we have a life time of offending one another, and doing the wrong thing at times ahead of us. I'm not saying we won't have disagreements, or differences of opinions in the future. But, communication is OPEN now. And I think we are finally all on the same page. WORK for it.
After 3 REALLY hard years, we have found a way to co-parent in a way that makes us all happy. We have been to Hell and back. We have been against eachother, on the same Team, and everywhere in between. We have been at opposite sides of a Court Room, we have been on the same set of Baseball Bleachers. Through our journey the last few years I have come to the realization of this: It ALL (even the HORRIBLE stuff) had to happen. Without having had the bad times together, I don't think that we could have made progress to where we are now. It was the repair that took place, and the need to learn to trust eachother that made us open up the lines of communication. And through opening the lines of communication, we have found a brand new world....full of light, and laughter. It is a beautiful thing to be able to allow one another into the house when it's time to exchange the children. For any and all of you dealing with visitation and with "drop offs" and "pick ups"..... wouldn't it be nice to drive away with an empty back seat, KNOWING that you didn't have to cry the whole way home? KNOWING that they are safe? By keeping eachother in the dark, and not communicationg...you're filling eachothers heads with doubt. "Do they have enough toys there?" "Is it clean?" "What does their room look like?" "Is the fridge full?" You wouldn't let your kids stay over at the house of a friend from school without first scoping out the place and ensuring you feel its a safe environment. So, why don't all parents strive to have a relationship with the "Ex" so that you don't have to spend days and nights worrying when your children are at their other house? WORK for it.
If you plan on having a life-long relationship with your partner, you are ALSO planning on having a life-long connection to the Mother/Father of the children as well. It's not a commitment everyone is able to make. And the weak will walk away in search of an "easier" situation. I plan on being there the day my sons graduate HS and College, I plan on being there when they marry. And if I plan on being there, I damn well better plan on doing anything and everything within my power to ensure that those days go smoothly and that they won't have any added stress while making their guest lists. If the idea of "chumming up" with the other parent in the situation doesn't sound like your cup of tea, realize this:::: You're not doing it for YOU. You're doing it for THE KIDS. So, please. Grow the *BLEEP* up, and WORK for it.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The Roles Our Parents Play
I have devoted my life to being the best Mama & Mommy that I can be. I am fully aware that at times I should just be satisfied with the job that I do, for I know that I am good at it. But, alas. I always find myself looking back at situations and beating myself up about how I could have done even BETTER. I stress that one "I Love You" wasn't enough for that moment, or that my hug wasn't tight enough, or that I didn't take enough time to explain something.
Now, as most of you know... I am ridiculous. ((LOL)) Of this, I am aware. I over analyze, I over achieve, I over assume, and I over compensate. I look at my three babies, and I see a sky full of stars. I see a World of wonder and of opportunity for them. I see a life time of Love and of Achievement. I see endless possibilities.
I am not like most Mom's. I do not have expectations for who they will be, and I have not pre-planned who I want them to be in this life. Now...don't get me wrong. I am in no way saying that I don't know their potential, or that I do not have the utmost belief that they will succeed in life. I do, with every ounce of my being. But, I have not planned out their choice of schooling, or their career. Parents that set the bar based upon the goals that they themselves didnt not reach, are only placing limitations on their young ones. What if your son doesn't want to be a doctor? What if he wants to play guitar in a band? What if your daughter doesn't want to be a lawyer? What if she would rather adventure to Africa and help feed the children? WOuld you really look down on them for their choices, simply because they are crushing YOUR dreams? For this reason, I keep their canvas blank. I want to be the one that gives them the paint and the brush, and I want to see what masterpiece THEY can create with the tools that the World and I afford them. My greatest, and only, dream for them is that they are happy, healthy, and full of love. Whatever path they need walk down to get them there, I will be close by....watching....waiting....ready with catching and supportive arms should they stumble.
I am not like most Mom's. Of this, I am aware. Some of you may have read my philisophy and determined that I am unfocused and have already limited my children's growth by not having "standards". Well, let me explain. I believe we all learn a great deal from our own childhoods. And that we use those experiences to mold the type of parents we are. We can do one of three things::: (1) We can make the same mistakes our parents made (2) We will choose not to have children at all (3) We will use the mistakes and experiences we witnessed, and vow to do everything within our power to not give history the power to repeat itself.
I grew up, like most children, the product of divorce. I have a Weekend Warrior Father, and a Full Time Mom. My Father would frequent his adventures into parenting less often than the Judge allowed, choosing to come at 6pm on his Friday's seemed more like chore than a privelege. I used to imagine him standing before a dart board, and throwing with his eyes closed, haphazardly the dart would land in a selection that would determine our fate for the weekend. On the weekends when his car DID pull into the driveway, my sister and I would reach down and grab our weekend-bag (full of clothes, under clothes, stuffed animal, and an occassional VHS...because God knows he had nothing at his house for us.) We would arrive at his "house" and the party began. We were left to fend for ourselves amongst empty cabinets and refridgerator. (Hence my horrible eating habits, of which I am STILL fighting to overcome to this day). An occassional box of mac n' cheese or bologna sandwich was a treat amid the bags of potato chips, slim jims, and bottles of soda. My dad would drop us off at the house, and off to "work" he would go. We would watch movies on the matching futons in the living room, waiting for him to come back home. By 4:30am he usually came back through the door. We would sleep all day and repeat until the weekend was over. And like most children who have an addict for a parent, we kept his dirty little secret, scared that if we ever told anyone how bad things were there....he would disappear from our lives completely.
Then---- back home to Mom we would go. Back to routine, rules, limitations, bed times, baths, and homework. We hated going home. My Mom was safe, and reliable. She was the constant in our lives. She had remarried and made a family for us. Yet, had you given me the choice back then....I woud've chosen my father. The one who was never home, never cared, and never invested any time or energy into my life. He wouldn't have known my favorite color, or the boy I had a crush on, he wouldn't have known that I like my eggs sunny side up, or that I liked it when my hair was braided before bed because it would have a pretty wave in it for school the next day. My Mom knew these things. Yet, it was his attention and his presense that I so craved.
My Mother, Dad (Step-Father) and I, had many problems as a side effect of my Father. It wasn't until many years later (recently in fact) that I was able to deal with the emotional aftermath of realizing that I was the child of an addict. I remember vividly opening the fridge on more than one occassion and having nothing in the house except a bottle of vodka in the freezer. I can recall a day in my life so clearly, that I can replay it in my mind. I remember standing in the doorway to his bedroom, and watching him toss and turn so violently....I was scared. I remember the TV being on, but only static could be seen. I remember we had just watched 'Poltergiest' for the first time and it made me nervous to see the screen sparkle in the black and white dots that played. I whispered, "Daddy?" and he told me to leave the room, that he was very sick. I saw that the blankets were soaked with his sweat, and he was almost green in color. I put my sister to bed by myself that night, and I went back upstairs to sit in the living room. I was scared he was dying. I listened to him moan and yell and punch the walls all night. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized he was going through withdrawls that night. And yet, that is the man who's attention I craved so badly.
I can't tell you a time when I ever saw a drink in my Mom's hand. I don't think I ever did. I can remember a time when I was little and we had taken a family trip to Myrtle Beach, and she had gotten so sun bruned that my (Step)Dad put frozen strawberry daquiri mix into lunch baggies to lay across her back. ((LOL)) But, I never ONCE saw either of them pick up a drink in front of me or my siblings. I CAN tell you that she never missed a class trip and she was always the first one on the chaperone list. I CAN tell you that she was at every doctor's appointment. I CAN tell you that I always had clean clothes, healthy meals, and the comfort of knowing someone would be home with us. I CAN tell you......that I took it for granted. I CAN tell you..... that as a child, I didn't appreciate it. I CAN tell you that she went above and beyond to make up for the lack of parenting that my Father contributed, and not once as a child did I thank her. I can tell you that we had HORRENDOUS repricussions due to the childhood I had. My Mother and I didn;t speak for many years, after a LARGE falling out. I can tell you that my Father robbed me of a relationship with my Mother that resembled anything close to normal. I can tell you that like all addicts and alcoholics, my Father filled our heads with stories and lies that wedged a gap in between my Mother and I that was so large, it took having my own children to bring me back to her. I can tell you, that My Mom is the single most amazing person in my life. And I can tell you, that I work hard EVERY single day to make her proud.
I still have a hard time expressing my love and my emotions for my Mom, without being reduced to a ball of tears. I feel ugly and embarrassed for the years I lost with her because of my Father. I know that she and I have years of mending ahead of us, but I am SO proud of how far we have come in such a short amount of time. My Mom is my Mom, but she is also a dear and cherished friend.
I look at my childhood, and if I can look into my children's future this is what I hope:::: I hope that no matter what goes on, or what events are out of my hands, I hope they are happy, healthy and loved. I hope they can look back and say that I never missed a field trip and that I know how they like their eggs. I hope they can say I was at every doctor's appointment. I hope they can say I hugged them too much, and that I said "I Love You" too often. I hope that I know how to stay close, but to give them room to fall so that they can learn to pick themselves back up. I hope I can let them shine, and be warmed by their light. I hope I can do it all, but most of all....I hope I make THEM proud.
Now, as most of you know... I am ridiculous. ((LOL)) Of this, I am aware. I over analyze, I over achieve, I over assume, and I over compensate. I look at my three babies, and I see a sky full of stars. I see a World of wonder and of opportunity for them. I see a life time of Love and of Achievement. I see endless possibilities.
I am not like most Mom's. I do not have expectations for who they will be, and I have not pre-planned who I want them to be in this life. Now...don't get me wrong. I am in no way saying that I don't know their potential, or that I do not have the utmost belief that they will succeed in life. I do, with every ounce of my being. But, I have not planned out their choice of schooling, or their career. Parents that set the bar based upon the goals that they themselves didnt not reach, are only placing limitations on their young ones. What if your son doesn't want to be a doctor? What if he wants to play guitar in a band? What if your daughter doesn't want to be a lawyer? What if she would rather adventure to Africa and help feed the children? WOuld you really look down on them for their choices, simply because they are crushing YOUR dreams? For this reason, I keep their canvas blank. I want to be the one that gives them the paint and the brush, and I want to see what masterpiece THEY can create with the tools that the World and I afford them. My greatest, and only, dream for them is that they are happy, healthy, and full of love. Whatever path they need walk down to get them there, I will be close by....watching....waiting....ready with catching and supportive arms should they stumble.
I am not like most Mom's. Of this, I am aware. Some of you may have read my philisophy and determined that I am unfocused and have already limited my children's growth by not having "standards". Well, let me explain. I believe we all learn a great deal from our own childhoods. And that we use those experiences to mold the type of parents we are. We can do one of three things::: (1) We can make the same mistakes our parents made (2) We will choose not to have children at all (3) We will use the mistakes and experiences we witnessed, and vow to do everything within our power to not give history the power to repeat itself.
I grew up, like most children, the product of divorce. I have a Weekend Warrior Father, and a Full Time Mom. My Father would frequent his adventures into parenting less often than the Judge allowed, choosing to come at 6pm on his Friday's seemed more like chore than a privelege. I used to imagine him standing before a dart board, and throwing with his eyes closed, haphazardly the dart would land in a selection that would determine our fate for the weekend. On the weekends when his car DID pull into the driveway, my sister and I would reach down and grab our weekend-bag (full of clothes, under clothes, stuffed animal, and an occassional VHS...because God knows he had nothing at his house for us.) We would arrive at his "house" and the party began. We were left to fend for ourselves amongst empty cabinets and refridgerator. (Hence my horrible eating habits, of which I am STILL fighting to overcome to this day). An occassional box of mac n' cheese or bologna sandwich was a treat amid the bags of potato chips, slim jims, and bottles of soda. My dad would drop us off at the house, and off to "work" he would go. We would watch movies on the matching futons in the living room, waiting for him to come back home. By 4:30am he usually came back through the door. We would sleep all day and repeat until the weekend was over. And like most children who have an addict for a parent, we kept his dirty little secret, scared that if we ever told anyone how bad things were there....he would disappear from our lives completely.
Then---- back home to Mom we would go. Back to routine, rules, limitations, bed times, baths, and homework. We hated going home. My Mom was safe, and reliable. She was the constant in our lives. She had remarried and made a family for us. Yet, had you given me the choice back then....I woud've chosen my father. The one who was never home, never cared, and never invested any time or energy into my life. He wouldn't have known my favorite color, or the boy I had a crush on, he wouldn't have known that I like my eggs sunny side up, or that I liked it when my hair was braided before bed because it would have a pretty wave in it for school the next day. My Mom knew these things. Yet, it was his attention and his presense that I so craved.
My Mother, Dad (Step-Father) and I, had many problems as a side effect of my Father. It wasn't until many years later (recently in fact) that I was able to deal with the emotional aftermath of realizing that I was the child of an addict. I remember vividly opening the fridge on more than one occassion and having nothing in the house except a bottle of vodka in the freezer. I can recall a day in my life so clearly, that I can replay it in my mind. I remember standing in the doorway to his bedroom, and watching him toss and turn so violently....I was scared. I remember the TV being on, but only static could be seen. I remember we had just watched 'Poltergiest' for the first time and it made me nervous to see the screen sparkle in the black and white dots that played. I whispered, "Daddy?" and he told me to leave the room, that he was very sick. I saw that the blankets were soaked with his sweat, and he was almost green in color. I put my sister to bed by myself that night, and I went back upstairs to sit in the living room. I was scared he was dying. I listened to him moan and yell and punch the walls all night. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized he was going through withdrawls that night. And yet, that is the man who's attention I craved so badly.
I can't tell you a time when I ever saw a drink in my Mom's hand. I don't think I ever did. I can remember a time when I was little and we had taken a family trip to Myrtle Beach, and she had gotten so sun bruned that my (Step)Dad put frozen strawberry daquiri mix into lunch baggies to lay across her back. ((LOL)) But, I never ONCE saw either of them pick up a drink in front of me or my siblings. I CAN tell you that she never missed a class trip and she was always the first one on the chaperone list. I CAN tell you that she was at every doctor's appointment. I CAN tell you that I always had clean clothes, healthy meals, and the comfort of knowing someone would be home with us. I CAN tell you......that I took it for granted. I CAN tell you..... that as a child, I didn't appreciate it. I CAN tell you that she went above and beyond to make up for the lack of parenting that my Father contributed, and not once as a child did I thank her. I can tell you that we had HORRENDOUS repricussions due to the childhood I had. My Mother and I didn;t speak for many years, after a LARGE falling out. I can tell you that my Father robbed me of a relationship with my Mother that resembled anything close to normal. I can tell you that like all addicts and alcoholics, my Father filled our heads with stories and lies that wedged a gap in between my Mother and I that was so large, it took having my own children to bring me back to her. I can tell you, that My Mom is the single most amazing person in my life. And I can tell you, that I work hard EVERY single day to make her proud.
I still have a hard time expressing my love and my emotions for my Mom, without being reduced to a ball of tears. I feel ugly and embarrassed for the years I lost with her because of my Father. I know that she and I have years of mending ahead of us, but I am SO proud of how far we have come in such a short amount of time. My Mom is my Mom, but she is also a dear and cherished friend.
I look at my childhood, and if I can look into my children's future this is what I hope:::: I hope that no matter what goes on, or what events are out of my hands, I hope they are happy, healthy and loved. I hope they can look back and say that I never missed a field trip and that I know how they like their eggs. I hope they can say I was at every doctor's appointment. I hope they can say I hugged them too much, and that I said "I Love You" too often. I hope that I know how to stay close, but to give them room to fall so that they can learn to pick themselves back up. I hope I can let them shine, and be warmed by their light. I hope I can do it all, but most of all....I hope I make THEM proud.
Monday, February 6, 2012
In 2012....
I know I am a little behind for writing my "Resolutions", but 2012 & I have a lot to get accomplished. So, while I may be 'late', I feel I must document as a means of keeping myself on task and holding myself accountable.
::::::2012::::::
*I will give my babies one EXTRA "I love you" without actually SAYING the words, daily. I will show them in a unique and special way each and every day.
* I will read 10 books
*I will hit the gym, GOAL: (-50lbs)
*I will kiss him when I am angry
*I will admit I am wrong
* I will smile when someone is rude to me
*I will not drink soda more than once a week
*I will befriend someone with whom I have previously not gotten along with.
* I will apologize for a wrong I have committed, and be genuine.
* I will give a gift anonymously
* I will make a donation
* I will get healthy, so that by this time next year....we can start trying for another baby <3
* I will enjoy my days off, and not fill them with tasks and chores
* I will let the kids make BIG messes and not have an anxiety attack
* I WILL earn more money this year, than I did last year doing Photography
* I will INVEST in my passion and know that it's ok. That means a better camera, more equipment, and a website! (( insert PANIC here))
* I will know that working nights and missing bedtime 5 nights a week is OK. My children love me and they call me every night before bed. I am doing what is best by NOT being there, even if that is hard to swallow.
*I will plan a vacation. We have NEVER gone any as a family for longer than a day trip. We deserve it, and we will all appreciate it.
* I will remember that some people may be thinner than me, smarter than me, funnier than me, prettier than me...but NONE of them are as in love or as happy as I am. :0)
*I will shower alone only 4 times a week ;0)
*I will plan a romantic weekend, and surprise him.
* I will teach each of my children something new.
* I will LEARN something new from each of my children.
*I will do something that scares the ever living $H!T out of me
* I will kiss him, likes its the first time
*I will get in the car and drive without purpose, and bring my family on an adventure :0)
* I WILL be outdoorsy this summer ((Eeeek!))
*I will learn how to fix something in the house and in the car ((God:::Please help Sean to stay calm))
* I will love my parents and appreciate them in a way that I ounce found difficult.
* I will read more stories to my children
* I will not let people take advantage ((My kindness is NOT weakness))
* I will teach someone else to be strong.
* I will forgive someone who has hurt me.
* I will ask forgiveness for hurt I have caused.
* I will make sure I get into the CASAC classes within the next 12 months.
* I will not judge my success by the success of others. We each have our own book, and we reach chapters at our own pace. I need not try to catch up, while we are all just different volumes of the same series.
* I will go running with my Dog.
* I will look in the mirror and be HAPPY with what I see :0)
* I will learn how to curl my own hair
* I will make a dress for Nola by MYSELF!
*I will plan the most fantastical-awesome-riffic Dino-Themed Birthday anyone has ever seen :0)
I am sure I will be adding to this as time passes. But this will be a good, healthy reminder of all the things that I KNOW I am capable of. So if ever I seem to faulter in my self assuredness....remind me, please? :0)
::::::2012::::::
*I will give my babies one EXTRA "I love you" without actually SAYING the words, daily. I will show them in a unique and special way each and every day.
* I will read 10 books
*I will hit the gym, GOAL: (-50lbs)
*I will kiss him when I am angry
*I will admit I am wrong
* I will smile when someone is rude to me
*I will not drink soda more than once a week
*I will befriend someone with whom I have previously not gotten along with.
* I will apologize for a wrong I have committed, and be genuine.
* I will give a gift anonymously
* I will make a donation
* I will get healthy, so that by this time next year....we can start trying for another baby <3
* I will enjoy my days off, and not fill them with tasks and chores
* I will let the kids make BIG messes and not have an anxiety attack
* I WILL earn more money this year, than I did last year doing Photography
* I will INVEST in my passion and know that it's ok. That means a better camera, more equipment, and a website! (( insert PANIC here))
* I will know that working nights and missing bedtime 5 nights a week is OK. My children love me and they call me every night before bed. I am doing what is best by NOT being there, even if that is hard to swallow.
*I will plan a vacation. We have NEVER gone any as a family for longer than a day trip. We deserve it, and we will all appreciate it.
* I will remember that some people may be thinner than me, smarter than me, funnier than me, prettier than me...but NONE of them are as in love or as happy as I am. :0)
*I will shower alone only 4 times a week ;0)
*I will plan a romantic weekend, and surprise him.
* I will teach each of my children something new.
* I will LEARN something new from each of my children.
*I will do something that scares the ever living $H!T out of me
* I will kiss him, likes its the first time
*I will get in the car and drive without purpose, and bring my family on an adventure :0)
* I WILL be outdoorsy this summer ((Eeeek!))
*I will learn how to fix something in the house and in the car ((God:::Please help Sean to stay calm))
* I will love my parents and appreciate them in a way that I ounce found difficult.
* I will read more stories to my children
* I will not let people take advantage ((My kindness is NOT weakness))
* I will teach someone else to be strong.
* I will forgive someone who has hurt me.
* I will ask forgiveness for hurt I have caused.
* I will make sure I get into the CASAC classes within the next 12 months.
* I will not judge my success by the success of others. We each have our own book, and we reach chapters at our own pace. I need not try to catch up, while we are all just different volumes of the same series.
* I will go running with my Dog.
* I will look in the mirror and be HAPPY with what I see :0)
* I will learn how to curl my own hair
* I will make a dress for Nola by MYSELF!
*I will plan the most fantastical-awesome-riffic Dino-Themed Birthday anyone has ever seen :0)
I am sure I will be adding to this as time passes. But this will be a good, healthy reminder of all the things that I KNOW I am capable of. So if ever I seem to faulter in my self assuredness....remind me, please? :0)
Sunday, February 5, 2012
The Hard Days
When you're a little girl, no Fairy Tale or Love Story ((or even your own PARENTS!)) tell you the TRUTH about relationships. I don't know about you, but I was never kidnapped by a green lady with warts on her nose, and thrown in a tower to await a Knight upon a white stallion to save me. I never bit the apple, or gave my voice to an octopus. Maybe I'm just not the Princess type.
In REAL relationships, their are bad days in the "Happily Ever After". Yes, ladies....in EVERY Happily Ever After. So please, for the love of everything blogger::::STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE PERFECT! Now, I am not saying that I want to hear about it every time your Hubba-licious forgets to put the toilet seat down, or gives the kids candy before bed, or about that time you found a phone number in his cell under "That Girl From The Bar", or anything crazy like that. Keep those details to yourself. But, why oh WHY do we all feel like we have to pretend that LIFE isn't real?! When did it become a *whisper* when couples hit a rocky patch? When did this become ok?
I am happily IN Love. And yes, that is LIGHT YEARS away from "Love". If you don't know the difference, I blame Disney & Facebook. ((Just because you have a cute profile picture of him kissing you and changed your status to "In a Relationship" DOESN'T make it official!)) Having his/her name in little blue letters on your screen next to "Relationship" doesn't mean you've passed the test. I look around at what some of us constitute as love, and I am sad. I look at people and see them flaunting their relationship and diving in so fast. ((And yes, this is coming from the girl who met a man...fell in love...moved in...and got matching "wedding band" tattoos all within 90 days. Hush your gums. LOL)) Diving in is all well and good, but ((ready for a hot dose of Reality??)) the dive ISN'T the scary part. The SWIMMING is. I think every relationship is like this::::
We both start off at the edge of a cliff.
We either choose to hold hands and JUMP in....or not.
Once we hit the water, we splash and play and touch and we have never been so happy.
Then your legs get tired, and you see an island....
So you swim.
You swim until your tired body crawls upon the shore.
You're sleepy, achy, and a mess....but, you made it together. And that's all that matters.
You set up camp, build a fire, find clean water, and bunker down.
But your island was small.
You've run out of food, fast.
Again to the Ocean you look.
In the distance, a small speck can be seen.
You take a deep breath, look at each other and your feet glide back to the water.
You swim, falling in and out of rhythm as you go.
Once again you reach the shore.
This time you reach the sand, only to find that their is no shelter.
You stay as long as you can handle weathering the elements, but all the while you keep looking to the water.
The day comes, and the waves call you both once again.
The sister island looks a little farther than the last two.
It takes you both a little longer to decide to get your feet wet.
But....he takes your hand and guides you in.
Your muscles SCREAM, your lungs BURN, this swim is the hardest one yet.
You stroke through the water, pushing on even through the pain.
Your bodies collapse on the rough, coarse beach.
It's heat is unwelcome and your throat begs for water.
You search for water together, only to find none.
You both cry, and yell....
But, neither of you reaches for the others hand.
Both walk to the waters edge.
It is THIS moment.....
It is THIS swim, that breaks most people.
Inevitably, one of you will choose dry land this time.
One of you will not see the Ocean and it's future islands as holding any promise or any hope.
One of you will stay, and the other....will swim for that Island.
You see, the HARD part of every relationship isn't finding the perfect Beach. The hard part is reaching the Beach, and seeing the flaws and resolving to jump into the water to fix them. TOGETHER. It is the couple who cannot enter into the salty waves, and reach the next shore together that loses the fight.
So, friends.... just hear me out. In a World and a society plagued by divorce & heart ache LISTEN::: when you reach the water, do what your Grandparents did. SWIM. Don't give up because it's easier to set up camp alone and wait for another hopeless swimmer to wash up on your shore to keep you company.ESPECIALLY if you have children. SWIM. Swim long and hard and swim until you can't swim anymore. Take a second and float, catch your breath, and KEEP on swimming. If you reach the shore, and your partner is stuck in a wave, DO NOT be too proud to jump back in and admit you WANT them to reach that next shore with you. SWIM.
I've encountered many a hectic and stressful situation in my day, with my Love. I entered into a relationship with a Man who had a 4 year old, was separated, and expecting a baby on the way. I jumped into Mama-ness and "marriage" all at once. I was 21 years old, and looking back....I am so very, very proud of myself and of how strong my relationship is. We have survived his ((much LONGer than anticipated, but much appreciated after the long wait)) divorce, custody issues, financial woes, loss of job, and every other Island that God has set in our path. But, on our journey through our Islands we have seen beautiful days full of sunshine & laughter. We have seen our eldest son graduate from Pre-school AND Kindergarten. We have watched Holden take first steps and heard his first words. We have packed and unpacked and packed AGAIN ((lol)) moving our family into new and wondrous places where memories are made. We got OUR first Dog. We have a beautiful Daughter, and so much LOVE. It is the Beaches that we should all focus on, and we should build up our strength for the swim. The time in the water isn't what we will remember as we take our last breath.
So, to all of you who are in REAL relationships having had to swim.....I'm here with you. You are not alone. I am in love, and I am happy :0) I have had BEAUTIFUL beaches, and I have seen terrible storms. But, no matter how hopeless things may seem at times---I will always enter into the water ONE more time with him. And as long as he swims by my side, I know we will be ok.
<3
In REAL relationships, their are bad days in the "Happily Ever After". Yes, ladies....in EVERY Happily Ever After. So please, for the love of everything blogger::::STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE PERFECT! Now, I am not saying that I want to hear about it every time your Hubba-licious forgets to put the toilet seat down, or gives the kids candy before bed, or about that time you found a phone number in his cell under "That Girl From The Bar", or anything crazy like that. Keep those details to yourself. But, why oh WHY do we all feel like we have to pretend that LIFE isn't real?! When did it become a *whisper* when couples hit a rocky patch? When did this become ok?
I am happily IN Love. And yes, that is LIGHT YEARS away from "Love". If you don't know the difference, I blame Disney & Facebook. ((Just because you have a cute profile picture of him kissing you and changed your status to "In a Relationship" DOESN'T make it official!)) Having his/her name in little blue letters on your screen next to "Relationship" doesn't mean you've passed the test. I look around at what some of us constitute as love, and I am sad. I look at people and see them flaunting their relationship and diving in so fast. ((And yes, this is coming from the girl who met a man...fell in love...moved in...and got matching "wedding band" tattoos all within 90 days. Hush your gums. LOL)) Diving in is all well and good, but ((ready for a hot dose of Reality??)) the dive ISN'T the scary part. The SWIMMING is. I think every relationship is like this::::
We both start off at the edge of a cliff.
We either choose to hold hands and JUMP in....or not.
Once we hit the water, we splash and play and touch and we have never been so happy.
Then your legs get tired, and you see an island....
So you swim.
You swim until your tired body crawls upon the shore.
You're sleepy, achy, and a mess....but, you made it together. And that's all that matters.
You set up camp, build a fire, find clean water, and bunker down.
But your island was small.
You've run out of food, fast.
Again to the Ocean you look.
In the distance, a small speck can be seen.
You take a deep breath, look at each other and your feet glide back to the water.
You swim, falling in and out of rhythm as you go.
Once again you reach the shore.
This time you reach the sand, only to find that their is no shelter.
You stay as long as you can handle weathering the elements, but all the while you keep looking to the water.
The day comes, and the waves call you both once again.
The sister island looks a little farther than the last two.
It takes you both a little longer to decide to get your feet wet.
But....he takes your hand and guides you in.
Your muscles SCREAM, your lungs BURN, this swim is the hardest one yet.
You stroke through the water, pushing on even through the pain.
Your bodies collapse on the rough, coarse beach.
It's heat is unwelcome and your throat begs for water.
You search for water together, only to find none.
You both cry, and yell....
But, neither of you reaches for the others hand.
Both walk to the waters edge.
It is THIS moment.....
It is THIS swim, that breaks most people.
Inevitably, one of you will choose dry land this time.
One of you will not see the Ocean and it's future islands as holding any promise or any hope.
One of you will stay, and the other....will swim for that Island.
You see, the HARD part of every relationship isn't finding the perfect Beach. The hard part is reaching the Beach, and seeing the flaws and resolving to jump into the water to fix them. TOGETHER. It is the couple who cannot enter into the salty waves, and reach the next shore together that loses the fight.
So, friends.... just hear me out. In a World and a society plagued by divorce & heart ache LISTEN::: when you reach the water, do what your Grandparents did. SWIM. Don't give up because it's easier to set up camp alone and wait for another hopeless swimmer to wash up on your shore to keep you company.ESPECIALLY if you have children. SWIM. Swim long and hard and swim until you can't swim anymore. Take a second and float, catch your breath, and KEEP on swimming. If you reach the shore, and your partner is stuck in a wave, DO NOT be too proud to jump back in and admit you WANT them to reach that next shore with you. SWIM.
I've encountered many a hectic and stressful situation in my day, with my Love. I entered into a relationship with a Man who had a 4 year old, was separated, and expecting a baby on the way. I jumped into Mama-ness and "marriage" all at once. I was 21 years old, and looking back....I am so very, very proud of myself and of how strong my relationship is. We have survived his ((much LONGer than anticipated, but much appreciated after the long wait)) divorce, custody issues, financial woes, loss of job, and every other Island that God has set in our path. But, on our journey through our Islands we have seen beautiful days full of sunshine & laughter. We have seen our eldest son graduate from Pre-school AND Kindergarten. We have watched Holden take first steps and heard his first words. We have packed and unpacked and packed AGAIN ((lol)) moving our family into new and wondrous places where memories are made. We got OUR first Dog. We have a beautiful Daughter, and so much LOVE. It is the Beaches that we should all focus on, and we should build up our strength for the swim. The time in the water isn't what we will remember as we take our last breath.
So, to all of you who are in REAL relationships having had to swim.....I'm here with you. You are not alone. I am in love, and I am happy :0) I have had BEAUTIFUL beaches, and I have seen terrible storms. But, no matter how hopeless things may seem at times---I will always enter into the water ONE more time with him. And as long as he swims by my side, I know we will be ok.
<3
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The Most Important Days of My Life
1,380 days ago I said "I love you" to the man that I will marry, for the first time.
1,387 days ago, I became a Mama.
1,279 days ago, I became a Mama again.
342 days ago, I became a Mommy.
I walked into a bar on April 20, 2008 having just turned 21, 6 days earlier. On my first ((legal)) adventure to a drinking establishment, I walked through the door to meet for drinks jointly celebrating my birthday as well as a friends. I walked in and was greeted by smiles and familiar faces. I was introduced to a not so familiar ((but very cute)) face, standing at the bar. I was told he was a friend of my friend, and that he was going through a rough time in his life and needed a fun night out. Even through his smile, and his jokes....I saw sadness in his eyes. We ended up out on the back porch together at the bar, and I was amazed at how easily conversation flowed with him and how quickly giggles turned to laughter. He told me stories and showed me pictures of his 4 year old, and I melted at his love of being a Father. Here he was, standing in the middle of a bar....and all he wanted to do was scroll through cell phone pics of his little man eating chicken nuggets and tell me stories of how silly he is for dunking them in the caramel sauce that was meant for the apples that came with his meal. My cheeks hurt from laughing, and I remember at one point I had almost kissed him....but I didnt. A few drinks turned into a few hours, and he and a few friends decided to walk back to my apartment with me after the bar closed. On our way out the door he picked me up, and threw me over his shoulder and RANNNNNN down the street with me. I remember kicking and screaming and smacking him when he put me down. I hadnt flirted so hard in a WHILE. ((lol)) We got back to my apartment, having gotten a few 6 packs to start our early morning hours with, friends started leaving and heading home. The numbers dwindled until it was just 4 of us. My other pair of friends found the couch and sleep followed. Sean and I stayed up and watched 'Finding Nemo' on repeat for 4 hours, talking as the sun came up. After hours of sharing a love seat and having our hands "accidentally" touch from time to time....I was dyinggggg for a kiss. I finally realized that (A) he wasnt interested or (B) He was slow to catch on. I took a bold step, and in the end I got my kiss....to which i stated, "Took you long enough" ((HA!)) He was so embarrassed! He got a ride home with a friend, and made sure he got my number before he left. Once he was gone something strange happened....I missed him......missed him a lot. I went to sleep, exhausted from staying up all night. I woke up soon after hitting my pillow, to LOUD knocking at my door. Figuring it was someone obnoxious since I wasnt expecting anyone, I did what any polite girl would do....STAYED IN BED! haha Finally, after about 10 minutes I couldnt take it and went to the door. Standing in front of me was Sean. We didnt say anything. Just looked into eachothers eyes. I walked away leaving the door open. I walked into my room and crawled into bed to finish sleeping. He climbed in next to me and held me close, he held me like it was routine...like he was expecting to hold me that way every morning for the rest of our lives. I fell asleep like that, listening to his heartbeat fall into sync with mine.
3 days later we took a mdnight walk to a park in town. We stood on the baseball mound, and looked up at the stars. We wlaked over to the swings and talked about our future. He pushed me on the swing for a long time, until he caught me...and held me still. Their was enough light shining from the moon to see that his eyes were glassy and he looked scared. I asked what was wrong and he said, "I think I'm in love with you". And that was the start of the rest of my life. <3
4 days later Sean brought Gavin to a park near my apartment to meet me. I was literally about 3 seconds away from throwing up out of sheer nervousness. All I could think was that he wouldn't like me, or he would think I was trying to take his Mother's place. I was racking my brain to try and figure out how to make the BEST first impression, and to make him feel comfortable. In the midst of my panic attack, Sean and Gavin pulled into the parking lot, and I almost peed my pants. We walked into the park together, and I was so focused on NOT messing anything up that I tripped over my own flip flop and BUSTED my butt right in the middle of the playground. Mortified, and 32165410234 shades of red, I looked up to see Gavin looking down at me. He plopped onto the ground next to me and said, "I like you, Colie! You're silly!" And that was the start of my Adventure in Mama-Land. <3
81 days later, Sean and I crawled into bed. The moment the light was clicked off....he got news that he needed to head to the hospital, Holden Archer was on his way. I was left for the loneliest night of my life. I snuck into Gavin's room while he slept, and curled up into a ball next to him. I was so fearful of what this new baby meant, and what my role would be. I became restless in Gavin's bed, and got up to get some air. I stood outside with the "baby" monitor in hand to listen to my Gavin sleep. I had about a pack and a half of Newports while I waited. I got a call at almos 7am, saying baby boy was born. I was over the moon proud and happy for Sean, although I knew this day was bitter sweet for him. We had had a long hard road together through Holden's pregnancy....he had felt abandoded and left out, he had missed out on tummy rubs and late night runs to the convenience store to buy ice cream for the awaiting Mommy. ((I will admit I was MORE than happy to make silly requests at odd hours as a sort of placebo. ( i gained about 11 lbs during a pregnancy that wasnt even mine!!! LOL And strangely enough....I think it really did help him to feel like a Daddy with a little one on the way. I wonder if he ever caught onto my trickery? lol)) Sean came home, and scooped Gavin up to go see Baby Brother and Mommy at the hospital. And I was left alone. For the first time since I met Sean::::: I panicked. And not the little panic. The BIG kind. I was about 3 seconds away from packing a bag and getting into my car and peacing out, when I got a text, just 4 simple words::: "Our baby is beautiful". My dizziness went away, all my fear raced away with it. I knew Sean was coming home from the hospital that day, and bringing Gavin home with him. And even though I wasn't able to go and visit Baby Holden that day, I knew my place was with him...and his brother....and with his Daddy. I wouldn't get to hold Holden for another 17 days. We didnt have a banner, or a cake waiting at home for us when we brought him home for the first time. We didnt have more than 10 outfits, we had a mismatched set of bouncer, swing, bassinet, and crib. We had a handful of bibs, and about 6 bottles. It was messy, and disorganized, and CHAOS. But....it was the most beautifully confusing time of my life. Holden came into this World, on a night where I was lost and feeling alone. And when that little man landed softly in my arms for the first time, I had never felt so at home. It was that night that I knew I had a FAMILY <3
937 days later, Nola Ainsley was born. I had finally had the experience of carrying a baby inside of me. Feeling her grow, watching her move beneath my skin as I rubbed my tummy. I got to enjoy the feeling of having Sean crawl into bed next to me, and place a pillow near my belly so he could sleep next to her. I have never felt so close to anyone before in my life. My pregnancy brought us closer than we already were. It was the most beautiful time of my life. Driving over an hour to get a free belly cast done from a local artist, shopping for PINK baby clothes, deciding on a name, taking pictures of my belly with the boys...every moment was bliss. Labor and delivery was where Sean really impressed me. He is usually the emotional mess out of the two of us, and I am usually the strong one. ((OMG he's gonna kill me! LOL)) But, in that hospital room waiting for Nola to arrive, he was so tender and so attentive. I had ice chips and cool rags before I even knew I needed or wanted them. He was constantly puttin my slippers on me, only to have me beg for him to take them back off 10 minutes later. But, it was all worth it when we both saw her for the first time. I can close my eyes and still see him crying as he held her. That day, was so much more than her birthday. It was the day we all became connected, the day we all looked at eachother and could GENUINELY Say we were a family. That was the day we all loved eachother, just a little bit more.<3
In 446 days:::: I will marry the man that has been my everything. I have waited patiently through good days and through bad. We have endured heart ache, and shared moments of joy. There has been success, and their have been failures. It has been a long road. I have not only fallen in love with the most perfect man I have ever laid eyes on, something more amazing has happened. Not only did he make me fall in love with HIM, but he showed me how to love myself as well. And it is THAT amazing accomplishment, that I will truly never be able to repay him for. <3
This has been my life for the past 1,380 days. I have laughed, cried, loved and lost. I have had bad days, but I have always been able to smile through them knowing that at the end of the day.....I will have those arms waiting to hold me close like they did that first time. And that, is more than some girls will ever have. The days, weeks, months, and years to come are a treasure to me already. I know not what they hold instore for us....but, I cherish them before I even know them. <3
1,387 days ago, I became a Mama.
1,279 days ago, I became a Mama again.
342 days ago, I became a Mommy.
I walked into a bar on April 20, 2008 having just turned 21, 6 days earlier. On my first ((legal)) adventure to a drinking establishment, I walked through the door to meet for drinks jointly celebrating my birthday as well as a friends. I walked in and was greeted by smiles and familiar faces. I was introduced to a not so familiar ((but very cute)) face, standing at the bar. I was told he was a friend of my friend, and that he was going through a rough time in his life and needed a fun night out. Even through his smile, and his jokes....I saw sadness in his eyes. We ended up out on the back porch together at the bar, and I was amazed at how easily conversation flowed with him and how quickly giggles turned to laughter. He told me stories and showed me pictures of his 4 year old, and I melted at his love of being a Father. Here he was, standing in the middle of a bar....and all he wanted to do was scroll through cell phone pics of his little man eating chicken nuggets and tell me stories of how silly he is for dunking them in the caramel sauce that was meant for the apples that came with his meal. My cheeks hurt from laughing, and I remember at one point I had almost kissed him....but I didnt. A few drinks turned into a few hours, and he and a few friends decided to walk back to my apartment with me after the bar closed. On our way out the door he picked me up, and threw me over his shoulder and RANNNNNN down the street with me. I remember kicking and screaming and smacking him when he put me down. I hadnt flirted so hard in a WHILE. ((lol)) We got back to my apartment, having gotten a few 6 packs to start our early morning hours with, friends started leaving and heading home. The numbers dwindled until it was just 4 of us. My other pair of friends found the couch and sleep followed. Sean and I stayed up and watched 'Finding Nemo' on repeat for 4 hours, talking as the sun came up. After hours of sharing a love seat and having our hands "accidentally" touch from time to time....I was dyinggggg for a kiss. I finally realized that (A) he wasnt interested or (B) He was slow to catch on. I took a bold step, and in the end I got my kiss....to which i stated, "Took you long enough" ((HA!)) He was so embarrassed! He got a ride home with a friend, and made sure he got my number before he left. Once he was gone something strange happened....I missed him......missed him a lot. I went to sleep, exhausted from staying up all night. I woke up soon after hitting my pillow, to LOUD knocking at my door. Figuring it was someone obnoxious since I wasnt expecting anyone, I did what any polite girl would do....STAYED IN BED! haha Finally, after about 10 minutes I couldnt take it and went to the door. Standing in front of me was Sean. We didnt say anything. Just looked into eachothers eyes. I walked away leaving the door open. I walked into my room and crawled into bed to finish sleeping. He climbed in next to me and held me close, he held me like it was routine...like he was expecting to hold me that way every morning for the rest of our lives. I fell asleep like that, listening to his heartbeat fall into sync with mine.
3 days later we took a mdnight walk to a park in town. We stood on the baseball mound, and looked up at the stars. We wlaked over to the swings and talked about our future. He pushed me on the swing for a long time, until he caught me...and held me still. Their was enough light shining from the moon to see that his eyes were glassy and he looked scared. I asked what was wrong and he said, "I think I'm in love with you". And that was the start of the rest of my life. <3
4 days later Sean brought Gavin to a park near my apartment to meet me. I was literally about 3 seconds away from throwing up out of sheer nervousness. All I could think was that he wouldn't like me, or he would think I was trying to take his Mother's place. I was racking my brain to try and figure out how to make the BEST first impression, and to make him feel comfortable. In the midst of my panic attack, Sean and Gavin pulled into the parking lot, and I almost peed my pants. We walked into the park together, and I was so focused on NOT messing anything up that I tripped over my own flip flop and BUSTED my butt right in the middle of the playground. Mortified, and 32165410234 shades of red, I looked up to see Gavin looking down at me. He plopped onto the ground next to me and said, "I like you, Colie! You're silly!" And that was the start of my Adventure in Mama-Land. <3
81 days later, Sean and I crawled into bed. The moment the light was clicked off....he got news that he needed to head to the hospital, Holden Archer was on his way. I was left for the loneliest night of my life. I snuck into Gavin's room while he slept, and curled up into a ball next to him. I was so fearful of what this new baby meant, and what my role would be. I became restless in Gavin's bed, and got up to get some air. I stood outside with the "baby" monitor in hand to listen to my Gavin sleep. I had about a pack and a half of Newports while I waited. I got a call at almos 7am, saying baby boy was born. I was over the moon proud and happy for Sean, although I knew this day was bitter sweet for him. We had had a long hard road together through Holden's pregnancy....he had felt abandoded and left out, he had missed out on tummy rubs and late night runs to the convenience store to buy ice cream for the awaiting Mommy. ((I will admit I was MORE than happy to make silly requests at odd hours as a sort of placebo. ( i gained about 11 lbs during a pregnancy that wasnt even mine!!! LOL And strangely enough....I think it really did help him to feel like a Daddy with a little one on the way. I wonder if he ever caught onto my trickery? lol)) Sean came home, and scooped Gavin up to go see Baby Brother and Mommy at the hospital. And I was left alone. For the first time since I met Sean::::: I panicked. And not the little panic. The BIG kind. I was about 3 seconds away from packing a bag and getting into my car and peacing out, when I got a text, just 4 simple words::: "Our baby is beautiful". My dizziness went away, all my fear raced away with it. I knew Sean was coming home from the hospital that day, and bringing Gavin home with him. And even though I wasn't able to go and visit Baby Holden that day, I knew my place was with him...and his brother....and with his Daddy. I wouldn't get to hold Holden for another 17 days. We didnt have a banner, or a cake waiting at home for us when we brought him home for the first time. We didnt have more than 10 outfits, we had a mismatched set of bouncer, swing, bassinet, and crib. We had a handful of bibs, and about 6 bottles. It was messy, and disorganized, and CHAOS. But....it was the most beautifully confusing time of my life. Holden came into this World, on a night where I was lost and feeling alone. And when that little man landed softly in my arms for the first time, I had never felt so at home. It was that night that I knew I had a FAMILY <3
937 days later, Nola Ainsley was born. I had finally had the experience of carrying a baby inside of me. Feeling her grow, watching her move beneath my skin as I rubbed my tummy. I got to enjoy the feeling of having Sean crawl into bed next to me, and place a pillow near my belly so he could sleep next to her. I have never felt so close to anyone before in my life. My pregnancy brought us closer than we already were. It was the most beautiful time of my life. Driving over an hour to get a free belly cast done from a local artist, shopping for PINK baby clothes, deciding on a name, taking pictures of my belly with the boys...every moment was bliss. Labor and delivery was where Sean really impressed me. He is usually the emotional mess out of the two of us, and I am usually the strong one. ((OMG he's gonna kill me! LOL)) But, in that hospital room waiting for Nola to arrive, he was so tender and so attentive. I had ice chips and cool rags before I even knew I needed or wanted them. He was constantly puttin my slippers on me, only to have me beg for him to take them back off 10 minutes later. But, it was all worth it when we both saw her for the first time. I can close my eyes and still see him crying as he held her. That day, was so much more than her birthday. It was the day we all became connected, the day we all looked at eachother and could GENUINELY Say we were a family. That was the day we all loved eachother, just a little bit more.<3
In 446 days:::: I will marry the man that has been my everything. I have waited patiently through good days and through bad. We have endured heart ache, and shared moments of joy. There has been success, and their have been failures. It has been a long road. I have not only fallen in love with the most perfect man I have ever laid eyes on, something more amazing has happened. Not only did he make me fall in love with HIM, but he showed me how to love myself as well. And it is THAT amazing accomplishment, that I will truly never be able to repay him for. <3
This has been my life for the past 1,380 days. I have laughed, cried, loved and lost. I have had bad days, but I have always been able to smile through them knowing that at the end of the day.....I will have those arms waiting to hold me close like they did that first time. And that, is more than some girls will ever have. The days, weeks, months, and years to come are a treasure to me already. I know not what they hold instore for us....but, I cherish them before I even know them. <3
Hi, Hello!
After ((much)) time spent trying to figure out how the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks these crafty Mama's out there get their pages to look so flippin' cute.....I am proud to say that my blood, sweat, and tears ((sort of)) paid off! I was unable to find a layout that I feel is 'perfect', but I at least know how to go about hunting further. Hey, progress is progress...right?! ;0)
Let me start off by saying "Hi, hello!" Well, now that that's out of the way....Let me explain why I am here. I decided to start writing in blog form, after YEARS of hand writing to my children. When Sean and I met, I went out and bought a Black, Leather bound book. I bought it for my Gavman. I wrote to him several times a week, after I had safely tucked him in and heard the sounds of his breathing get slower and more melodic. Once he had safely drifted off to DreamLand I would take my book from my nightstand and my pen would find it's way to the paper. Then, when Holden was born, I bought a second book. I followed that up with feeling guilty and buying one for Sean as well. Now with Nola here, I literally cannot keep up! Not only is it nearly impossible to find time to document in 4 different places, it's also a very HEAVY task. ((Literally!)) So, while I will of course keep their books, and hopefully still catch up in them from time to time so that I may give each child their book when they turn 18 like my plan was from day one. ((And to give Sean his book on our 25th anniversary)). But, in the mean time and to save my arms some stress.....writing online will serve as a much more realistic way to document their lives for them :0)
So, stay tuned! I have about 4 years worth of Momminess to catch up on!
Let me start off by saying "Hi, hello!" Well, now that that's out of the way....Let me explain why I am here. I decided to start writing in blog form, after YEARS of hand writing to my children. When Sean and I met, I went out and bought a Black, Leather bound book. I bought it for my Gavman. I wrote to him several times a week, after I had safely tucked him in and heard the sounds of his breathing get slower and more melodic. Once he had safely drifted off to DreamLand I would take my book from my nightstand and my pen would find it's way to the paper. Then, when Holden was born, I bought a second book. I followed that up with feeling guilty and buying one for Sean as well. Now with Nola here, I literally cannot keep up! Not only is it nearly impossible to find time to document in 4 different places, it's also a very HEAVY task. ((Literally!)) So, while I will of course keep their books, and hopefully still catch up in them from time to time so that I may give each child their book when they turn 18 like my plan was from day one. ((And to give Sean his book on our 25th anniversary)). But, in the mean time and to save my arms some stress.....writing online will serve as a much more realistic way to document their lives for them :0)
So, stay tuned! I have about 4 years worth of Momminess to catch up on!
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