The Air Around Us

I think I've finally gotten a handle on life in a blended family, from the adult perspective. I do my best to try and love the boys as if they were mine ((because in my heart....they ARE.)), while also keeping a conscientious "distance" so as not to make Mommy-Heather feel like I am embarking upon her sacred territory. My intention has never been, nor will it ever be, to replace or encroach upon her role in their life. I simply wish to be given the opportunity and the room to be apart of their lives, in my own way, as well.

From the perspective as the "child" of a blended family.... I am failing.
BIG time.

I am the product of a gene pool consisting of donations from my Mother, Sue, and my Father, Tim. I am also the product of that failed marriage, my Mother's successful remarriage, and my Father's unsuccessful "journey's" thereafter. I had 4 parents (2 biological, 2 Step). I had 7 Grandparents. I had 5 siblings (that I know of). I had 2 homes. And I had 1 therapist. (lol)

I am mutt of Life. I belong to everyone, and I belong to no one.

Growing up my Mom was strong, and I was scared of her. She tried her best to do everything right, because she knew my Bio-Dad did everything wrong. She was at every parent teacher conference, at every school trip and I still remember to this day that she missed just ONE 'Bring-A-Friend-To-Lunch" (for all of you Goshenites to remember haha). She's the one who took me to see the doctor, and I know who was there when I fell. My Mom and I didn't have a super close relationship...I was always very jealous of the bond she had with my Sister, Meghan. My sister would till curl up onto her lap and watch TV when she was 13 years old, something I would never have been able to bring myself to do. My Bio-Dad had filled my head so completely with lies and fabrications against her, the wedge between my Mother and I was clearly defined. She remarried, and I think that had my Bio-Dad not been such a heavy influence in our thoughts....that a close relationship could have formed. Instead, mistrust and anxiety took the place of love and security. I got a stepbrother and a half sister from the their relationship. We went on family vacations to the beach each year, we played "Giant" in our apartment, and we played and laughed by the pool each summer. But, it would seem now that the damage may have already been done.

I never thought in a million years, that after my Father disappeared when I was 13.... the cancer in which he plagued all our lives with would continue to grow and kill our family slowly.

When I was 18, we began to REALLY fall apart. None of us can come to agreement on what exactly transpired. But, it boiled down to me leaving the house and moving in with my then-boyfriend and his family. They were thoughtful, and loving, and caring. And while I cried myself to sleep most nights, it was certainly not because I didn't feel welcomed there. They loved me, they BUILT me a bedroom inside of their home. I, am eternally grateful for all that they did for me. Years, and a few relationships later....I still think of them as adopted family for everything they did.

My Mom, my Stepdad, two of my siblings and I, didn't speak steadily for 5 years after that.

My Mother and I had a few times that we tried to interact, and we even went to therapy. But....we were unable to find common ground.

I have previously explained that I did not have the "World's Most Sought After Father". He was an unpredictable addict, showing up for visitation when he decided to. My Step Mother was the one who fed us, bathed us, dressed us, and spent the weekends (that were meant for our bonding with our Father) with us.

I don't know exactly what the history is through all of my parents, seeing as I was little while it all went on. All I know is that it ruined us. I know their were horrendous court dates, and screaming matches at the designated pick/up and drop/off times. That kind of anger stays with you. It breeds inside of you. You carry it. It filled the relationships we had with ugliness. It has set fires that I am not sure can ever be put out. None of us trust each other, and trust isn't something that comes easily.

Don't get me wrong.

I love my Mom. She is a caring and compassionate person. She throws herself into work, and any project she starts. She has high standards, and isn't easy to please. She strives for success, and demands perfection.

I love my StepDad. He is a hard man to read, and I still don't think that he and I speak the same language. I don't know if we ever will.

I love My Sister, Meghan. She wants to be a reliable, dependable person..... she just isn't at a place in her life where this is a possibility.

I love my Brother, Alex. I don't really know much about the person he has grown into. He and I haven't had a relationship since I was 17/18 years old. 7 years is a long time, and MUCH has changed.

I don't know how to fix this awful, horrible mess. I don't know where to begin. I don't know where it will end. I thought that by having Nola and the amazing gift I was given in having Gavin and Holden, and including them all in the wonderful experience that is their Grandchildren/ niece/ nephews would bridge the gap and give us all a sense of Family again. I thought it would bring us all together and keep us from pushing one another apart.

We have grown to use words as our weapons. Hateful, Ugly things get said. Things that you don't forget, and that linger in your mind. Words that cut, and words that burn.

I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I could look inside, and see to how to mend my family.  Each and every time that we hit this horrendous road block.... I feel like we are all one step closer to not being able to patch the family back together.

So for now....I do what I always do. I distance myself. I put space between me and the anger. I take a step back, and put up my walls. I try and wait out the storm, wait until the venom has lessened, and the coast is clear.

I am just so very frightened for the day that I no longer think that going back and signing the peace treaty is an option. Their will come a day when too much is said, when too much hate is in the air. So much is already there. The air around us is thick with it.