Dear Gavin,

"I may not have been there for all of the days of your past, but I promise to be there for EVERY SINGLE day of your future, because to have you in my life has been one of God's greatest Presents."

I often get teary eyed when thinking of all the days I missed out on with you. I look through pictures of you snuggled up in your infant swing, or see you smiling from ear to ear in your bouncer. The pictures from your First Birthday are so beautiful and joyous. I think of how many "firsts" I wasn't there to witness. I wonder if those years will haunt our relationship later on?

I met you when you were already 4 years old. You were the most beautiful child I had ever seen. You smiled, and it was infectious. You infected me with you love of life, your curiosity and your ability to see the World through eyes so pure.

I dove in head first into the Land of Step Mama-ness for you, and I never looked back. I remember the first moment that I knew I was a Mama------
Daddy and I had been dating for 3 months. And I had come over after you went to sleep to watch a movie with him. You weren't feeling well, and we heard you coughing and Daddy went to check on you. My heart.....stopped. You were wheezing and straining to catch your breathe. Daddy went to scoop you up, but you were already in my arms. I ran into the bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as it would go. We sat on the floor as the room filled with steam. You were so panicked, and anxious. Your face was so pale, and I wanted nothing more than to fill your lungs and ease your fear. I huddled you as close to me as I could and I told you to take deep breaths like me. Our chests moved up and down together. And slowly you began to calm down. The steam helped a little, so I wrapped you into a blanket and took you out into the cool air the summer had given us that night. I told you to count the stars with me as you sat on my lap in the front yard, and you kept taking deep breaths while we counted higher and higher. Once you were able to breath more fully, Daddy hurried you into the car and rushed off to the emergency room. My heart went in the car with you and I sat by the phone waiting for news. A steroid shot, a nebulizer treatment, and 3 hours later....you were home.

I had never been so scared in my life. I hugged you and Daddy so tight when you got home, and I hoped I would never see you suffer like that again. (Unfortunately....we all know you get croup often STILL, but your cool Lego Nebulizer makes it much less scary!) And as Daddy and I tucked you in, Daddy spun me around and said, "Good job Mama" and I knew that he was right. I was a Mama, my heart told me I was. <3

I look to all that I have experienced with you, Gavin. And I look to all that is ahead of us. I have fought to be your Mama every step of the way. I have lost friendships, I have had (horrendous) fights with Family, and I have schooled many people on what being a parent REALLY is.Blood doesn't make you a Mama, LOVE does.  I may not share your genetics, you may not have my eyes, and you may not have my smile. But, you grew within my heart so very long ago. You made me a Mom, Gavin. You've taught me how to be the person that I am. I am strong, and I am capable. I learned to defend you, and you taught me how to stand up for myself. I can be assertive, and I can be forgiving. I have a heart larger than I ever knew I did. And it started growing the day I "had" you.

I love you, my baby. From here-----> to the moon.