A Look Inside My Head

Now, seeing as I have been brutally honest since day one in this Blog....I have no intentions of stopping now. I think we as women have this unrealistic idea that we are each the only one who worries or has insecurities. Well, guess what? We ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL worry excessively and about things that we would never dare say aloud, for we know our friends would slap us for even thinking such things! This Blog entry? This Blog entry will be a full blown admission of the nonsense that has been plaguing my poor little brain, as of late.

Go get the laptop.
Pop some popcorn.
Get a blanket.
Find the comfy part on the couch.
And enjoy the insanity that are my thoughts:::::

::::Worry::::

I have been very pleased with my Blog, it has been a wonderful outlet for my thoughts and also a great way to document this time in my life....but I worry that I sound uneducated and every time I click "Publish Post" I panic.

:::Solution:::

I will start accepting compliments. This may seem a simple task, but I am a HORRIBLE example of someone who believes good things that are said about them.

:::Worry:::

I have taken the leap with REALLY getting serious with my photography. I invested in: a new camera, 5 lenses, a stylish camera bag & matching camera strap, business cards, signage, I now have a FB page, bought a website domain and I am in the works with having it designed. Yet....I worry. I worry that I will not have the income in which I projected and am working so feverishly to have. I look at the camera in my hand and think of all the other things that could have been purchased in it's place. I look at my (unfinished)education, and think OMG! What have I jumped into!?

:::Solution:::

I love photography. I could spend all day everyday clicking away and editing, and it will never feel like work. I will close my eyes, and wait for the year to be over before I whisper a word of doubt in myself. I will let my work and this year speak for itself.

:::Worry:::

I have decided I am a 'Jackie' of all trades. I can photograph, blog, do hair/make-up & nails, I can recreate anything I find on Pinterest, I can cook & bake, I can multi-task, I can find time to be Team Mom when I spend my days with 3 rowdy kidlets and my nights helping the homeless, I am a good friend and a great listener. I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to, and I do it better than well.  Then why, oh why am I unable to lose weight? I HATE what I see when I look in the mirror, and yet I cannot seem to commit to making the FULL effort in which it will take to change what I see when I look at the reflection before me. I worry that Sean is as un-attracted to the image before him, as I am. And (rational or not) I get sick every time I see Heather getting smaller and smaller. (Bless her, she has worked hard..and she looks GREAT) But, I cannot help but think (or, feel?) that I have to.... 'compete'?,with the 'ex-factor'. I mean, we've all done the facebook stalk to see who our boyfriend, fiance, husband, whoever dated before us....Well, I have her shrinkingness in front of me alllllllllllllllllllllll the time as a reminder of how HUGE I am. And while I know it's silly (but hey, thats what this entry is all about! hahah), it's the thought that plagues my mind most often. Now, I realize in the Real World, this is not an issue. But, in my head--- AGGHHHHH! lol I know realistically Sean and Heather were not meant for one another, and they never had the miraculous bond that Sean and I do. I mean they literally joke about how they were ever able to produce not one but two children together. They just weren't meant for a relationship, but they do make great friends :0) Regardless of the fact that I know it's silly to compare myself to anyone....because she is "the ex"....I cannot seem to stop!!!! I know that even if I hit up McDonalds, Pizza Hut and Wedny's everyday until I had to be lifted by a crane from my home...Sean would still look at me and say, "you're beautiful." He is a good man, and I don't deserve him. But, alas. I do not want to be simply 'beautiful' to him. I want to be hot, and sexy. I want I-need-you-right-now-on-the-floor, sex. I want to allow him to leave the lights on. I want to buy slutty, slinky lingerie and pretend he hired me. (What?!This is a blog about my thoughts, and  I think these things! LOL) I want to feel attractive, and I want to like what I see. While my weight has always been the singular thing that I would change about myself....I cannot seem to find the drive to change it. WHY?! For the love of God, why? I am so sick of double digit jeans, and of buying shirts labeled "L". I am sick of hating when the weather changes from cold to warm, and the anxiety of wearing tank tops and having that side-boob-arm-fat make it's Summer debut, sets in. I am sick of staying out of pictures, because I always hate how I look in them. I am sick of it all.

:::Solution:::

I have purchased P90X, and have cleared out the fridge. We have cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and broccoli for snacks. I will stay on task, and hopefully using a program that offers results in a smaller amount of time...I will be more likely to commit seeing as I am an instant gratification type of American (Weird, I know. LOL)

So Ladies...bottom line. You are not alone in your worries. We all worry. We worry about weird stuff that we never want to admit out loud. But, hopefully this admission will make you all feel a little more normal(ish). 

love.yourself

and if you dont

fix.you.til.you.do

<3Nichole

Morning MisAdventures

Being woken up, a mere 4 hours after climbing into bed and submerging yourself under the gloriously comfortable blankets that were calling you name for ever single minute of your 8 hour shift....is not miraculous. But, having three little Wonders to do the waking, well----that is.

If I have to be a sleep deprivation induced Grump-Monster, I would gladly do it if every time I were awakened I got to hear three tiny voices doing the waking.

I work late hours, I rarely unwind enough to get into bed before 1:30/2am. I usually wake up to the sounds of little ones stirring in their beds after a solid 6 hours of sleep. Today, however, I am barely working off of 4 hours. My Little Lady is teething, and the only time she ever has a hard time sleeping solidly through the night is when those little chompers are making their way through the surface to say "hello".

But, alas. This morning her little toothlets decided that she need not sleep past about 6am. Seeing as she is a sharer of her melodious little coos and 'songs', she will happily wake her brothers up with a snazzy little tune of adorableness to start their day.

The boys woke up today accepting her tunes with smiles, even though Gavin had the day off of school and had been excited to sleep in. They just love her so much, that she can {ALMOST} do no wrong.

It is always amazing to me in these seemingly average moments, how much joy I feel. I look at Gavin standing at his sisters crib, while she reaches over the bars to try and snuggle into him, almost to say she missed him while she was sleeping. I hear Holden calling out from under the blankets he has buried his head under, his instant reaction any time we turn the bedroom lights on for the first time, saying "Good Morning Nola-Bean-Furrito-Pants..... I be dehr in a minute. My eyes are still sweepy, but I heeeeeaaaaaaar youuuuuuu." And the sounds of Nola's feet bouncing on her crib mattress, while clinging desperately to the rail for stabilization as she tries desperately to try to get to the place where his little voice is coming from, fills my heart.

These silly, random, seemingly normal moments.....these beautiful, simplistic, natural interactions that my babies have. THIS is when my eyes swell up. THIS is when I know I am a good Mommy. THIS is when my heart could burst with Love.

So here I am::::: hair a mess, teeth not brushed, coffee in hand, yawning and under a blanket surrounded by my babies watching Team UmiZoomi and Loving Life 2 hours earlier than I woud've liked to <3

Creamy-Alfredo-Broccoli-Chicken-Ditalini-Chowder

Now, like everything I post that I have made....this is not a recipe that I found. I looked through my cabinets, and my refrigerator and used items available to create a meal. :0)

This meal, is SIMPLE. Like, WHOA-simple.

Ingredients:::
1 Bag of frozen Broccoli 
Boneless, skinless chicken breast
Your favorite Alfredo sauce
Water
8 oz Cream Cheese
Sea Salt
1 box of Ditalini Pasta

:::Some of the Ingredients I used:::

To Make:::

Empty bag of Broccoli into crock pot
Add jar of alfredo sauce
Fill empty jar with water TWICE, and add contents into crock pot
Add 8 oz of cream cheese
Place WHOLE chicken breasts into crock pot (YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO THAW THEM!!!!)
Set Crock pot on HIGH, for 5 hours 

Open crock put and mash contents (chicken will shred, and broccoli will crumble apart)
 add ONE box of Ditalini Pasta
Stir to make sure all pasta is submerged into the liquid.
Continue to cook on HIGH for EIGHT more minutes.
Turn crock pot to LOW
Add Sea Salt to taste
Serve, add Parmesan cheese if desired and......

:::ENJOY!:::

Bon Appetit! :0)

The Air Around Us

I think I've finally gotten a handle on life in a blended family, from the adult perspective. I do my best to try and love the boys as if they were mine ((because in my heart....they ARE.)), while also keeping a conscientious "distance" so as not to make Mommy-Heather feel like I am embarking upon her sacred territory. My intention has never been, nor will it ever be, to replace or encroach upon her role in their life. I simply wish to be given the opportunity and the room to be apart of their lives, in my own way, as well.

From the perspective as the "child" of a blended family.... I am failing.
BIG time.

I am the product of a gene pool consisting of donations from my Mother, Sue, and my Father, Tim. I am also the product of that failed marriage, my Mother's successful remarriage, and my Father's unsuccessful "journey's" thereafter. I had 4 parents (2 biological, 2 Step). I had 7 Grandparents. I had 5 siblings (that I know of). I had 2 homes. And I had 1 therapist. (lol)

I am mutt of Life. I belong to everyone, and I belong to no one.

Growing up my Mom was strong, and I was scared of her. She tried her best to do everything right, because she knew my Bio-Dad did everything wrong. She was at every parent teacher conference, at every school trip and I still remember to this day that she missed just ONE 'Bring-A-Friend-To-Lunch" (for all of you Goshenites to remember haha). She's the one who took me to see the doctor, and I know who was there when I fell. My Mom and I didn't have a super close relationship...I was always very jealous of the bond she had with my Sister, Meghan. My sister would till curl up onto her lap and watch TV when she was 13 years old, something I would never have been able to bring myself to do. My Bio-Dad had filled my head so completely with lies and fabrications against her, the wedge between my Mother and I was clearly defined. She remarried, and I think that had my Bio-Dad not been such a heavy influence in our thoughts....that a close relationship could have formed. Instead, mistrust and anxiety took the place of love and security. I got a stepbrother and a half sister from the their relationship. We went on family vacations to the beach each year, we played "Giant" in our apartment, and we played and laughed by the pool each summer. But, it would seem now that the damage may have already been done.

I never thought in a million years, that after my Father disappeared when I was 13.... the cancer in which he plagued all our lives with would continue to grow and kill our family slowly.

When I was 18, we began to REALLY fall apart. None of us can come to agreement on what exactly transpired. But, it boiled down to me leaving the house and moving in with my then-boyfriend and his family. They were thoughtful, and loving, and caring. And while I cried myself to sleep most nights, it was certainly not because I didn't feel welcomed there. They loved me, they BUILT me a bedroom inside of their home. I, am eternally grateful for all that they did for me. Years, and a few relationships later....I still think of them as adopted family for everything they did.

My Mom, my Stepdad, two of my siblings and I, didn't speak steadily for 5 years after that.

My Mother and I had a few times that we tried to interact, and we even went to therapy. But....we were unable to find common ground.

I have previously explained that I did not have the "World's Most Sought After Father". He was an unpredictable addict, showing up for visitation when he decided to. My Step Mother was the one who fed us, bathed us, dressed us, and spent the weekends (that were meant for our bonding with our Father) with us.

I don't know exactly what the history is through all of my parents, seeing as I was little while it all went on. All I know is that it ruined us. I know their were horrendous court dates, and screaming matches at the designated pick/up and drop/off times. That kind of anger stays with you. It breeds inside of you. You carry it. It filled the relationships we had with ugliness. It has set fires that I am not sure can ever be put out. None of us trust each other, and trust isn't something that comes easily.

Don't get me wrong.

I love my Mom. She is a caring and compassionate person. She throws herself into work, and any project she starts. She has high standards, and isn't easy to please. She strives for success, and demands perfection.

I love my StepDad. He is a hard man to read, and I still don't think that he and I speak the same language. I don't know if we ever will.

I love My Sister, Meghan. She wants to be a reliable, dependable person..... she just isn't at a place in her life where this is a possibility.

I love my Brother, Alex. I don't really know much about the person he has grown into. He and I haven't had a relationship since I was 17/18 years old. 7 years is a long time, and MUCH has changed.

I don't know how to fix this awful, horrible mess. I don't know where to begin. I don't know where it will end. I thought that by having Nola and the amazing gift I was given in having Gavin and Holden, and including them all in the wonderful experience that is their Grandchildren/ niece/ nephews would bridge the gap and give us all a sense of Family again. I thought it would bring us all together and keep us from pushing one another apart.

We have grown to use words as our weapons. Hateful, Ugly things get said. Things that you don't forget, and that linger in your mind. Words that cut, and words that burn.

I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I could look inside, and see to how to mend my family.  Each and every time that we hit this horrendous road block.... I feel like we are all one step closer to not being able to patch the family back together.

So for now....I do what I always do. I distance myself. I put space between me and the anger. I take a step back, and put up my walls. I try and wait out the storm, wait until the venom has lessened, and the coast is clear.

I am just so very frightened for the day that I no longer think that going back and signing the peace treaty is an option. Their will come a day when too much is said, when too much hate is in the air. So much is already there. The air around us is thick with it.

Chicken & Butter Bean Chili

So, Now that I am trying to eat better and lose this Mama-Belly.... I am also trying to cook better. We substitute chicken for beef, and we try to hide.... I mean INCORPORATE more vegetables whenever possible.

I have been making an effort to cook more, because it was something that was bothering me. Working the 4pm to midnight shift makes it HARD to cook a meal for your family. But, as Mama, I find it very much takes away part of the feeling that you are helping to sustain your children and your man.

I made Taco Soup last week, and it was a huge hit in our house! After a raid of what we had in our freezer and our cupboard, I decided to try and make my own chili. I am usually fairly decent at whipping up recipes in my head and making a meal. But, chili is scary. (LOL)

After a lunch time taste test, the verdict::: SUCCESS!

So, if you would like to know how it was made....here you go!

:::Most of the ingredients I used:::

You will need:::
Boneless skinless chicken breasts
Butter Beans
Your choice of Tomato Sauce
Chicken stock (or bullion cubes & water, as I used)
Chili mix
Tabasco Sauce
Adobo
Sea Salt
Chili Powder
Flour
&&&& a crock pot

(1) Open and drain butter beans and place in crock pot.
(2) Place WHOLE chicken breasts into crock pot
(3) Add a half a jar of tomato sauce, and then fill with enough water to cover the two ingredients completely
(4) Pour in  Chili MIX
(5) Place on HIGH for 4-5 hours
(6) Open lid of crock pot, and mash the mixture. The butter beans will mash easily and the chicken will shred.
(7) Add Sea Salt, Tabasco Sauce, Chili powder, and Adobo to taste.
(8) Allow to cook for 1 more hour.
(9) Add flour to thicken the chili
(10) Pour into a bowl, sprinkle on some shredded cheese, and olives and ENJOY!!!!

:::BON APPETIT!:::

So Much More Than Glitter, Gloss & Glam....

Late last  night I sent a friendly text to Heather (The boys Mother), letting her know if she was in need of a sober ride home from the wedding reception she would be at tonight...that this Mama was free to drive! :0)
I didn't get a response (which was understandable seeing as she works days and sleeps during 'normal people' hours, and I work 2nd shift and sleep when I can!).

Bright and early this morning, I received a text back. One that said, "What I need is a girly sister to make my hair pretty as I have 3 signature hair styles: straightened, pony, messy bun lol. Where oh where could I possibly find someone with good hair sense."

Now, the fact that we are even at a place where we (a) offer to aide one another in sober rides home and (b) compliment each other on any sort of skill we have....is LEAPS and BOUNDS from where we began our journey (almost) 4 years ago.

Of course I said I'd help, eagerly excited for the opportunity to do real-life friend type activities with the Mother of my babies. You see.... I never want my children to have to "choose" between which of us is invited to graduation. Or which one of us sits next to them at a special school activity. I want she and I to be able to talk it out, and when appropriate for me to stay in the shadows...a happy spectator, one who loves the kids but would never steal her moments as Mommy. (And of course....if the situation calls for it....theirs always 'Rock -Paper-Scissor' in the hallway if needed! LOL)

During our 2+ hour manicure/hair/make-up extravaganza, we talked and laughed and got serious and laughed some more. I think this was the 'easiest' interaction we have had yet. I don't think either of us felt awkward and we didnt have a single forced silence to overcome! (haha!) It felt REAL. It felt comfortable. Even with little Holden running around asking us both permission for things because, bless his little heart, he was so confused as to who to go to between she and I!

It wasn't weird, it didn't feel forced. Here I sat putting rollers in her hair, and gabbing away about boys and girls and drama like we had been friends since day one. It's times like these that, while my heart aches for the pain she has had recently.... I am overwhelmed with a sense of "it's for the best". She smiles, and speaks freely. She seems SO much more confident and she walks a little taller.

It was so much fun shellacking glitter polish, and whipping out blue-sparkly (yes...BLUE! She made the same face you are, hahah!) eye shadow, and filling the room with hairspray. But really....their was so much more meaning behind all the glitter, gloss and glam.  We are continuing to build the foundation for the future we will share as co-parents. We are proving Sooooooooooooooooooo many people wrong when they say that this, "Cannot be done. It just does not work." Well to that i say, "Booo yahhhh! It does SO work(...IF and only if you BOTH invest the time and emotions that every other friendship/relationship in your life gets.)"

And as a testament to our friendship, look how pretty all our efforts turned out :0) ((See....I'm using her Party-Pretty as a metaphor lol))::::::::::

:::Heather Jene Purcell:::

A Thousand Years

Please play while you read :0)-----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIdjEzZGdVI&feature=share&fb_source=message

I logged onto Facebook this evening, to find a new message awaiting me. I always get excited, and eagerly clicked to see who had something on their mind to say. It was a wonderful friend, one whom I miss seeing everyday since we no longer work together. She was one of those people that I knew i was supposed to meet. Even though we rarely have the pleasure of sharing one another's company these days, it is always nice to hear from her. :0)

I opened my message to see the most beautiful message.

                                "ok so i heard this song today,,,and i could imagine as i listened to it ...you marrying sean to it♥ i dont know if you have ever heard it i didnt but it is so you!!!"

So, of course, I clicked the link (the one I added above) and tears filled my eyes. I tried my best to blink them away, but I was so happy that they were there. For two reasons, the tears also made me smile.

(1) Sean's face, and kisses, and hugs immediately flooded my mind as I listened to the song. What a beautiful voice she has, and such amazingly perfect lyrics.

(2) The fact that my friend, Carol, would take time from her day to even talk to me.... makes me remember why I love her. The fact that while listening to such a romantically, beautiful Love song that she thought of me and my love for Sean.....speaks volumes to the love that I am lucky enough to have. Carol has only bumped into Sean once or twice since he and I have been dating, and yet.... she heard this song and thought enough of what he and I share to send it to me in hopes that it would have the effect that it did.

Sean and I have the love that fairy tales are made of. Now....don't get me wrong! We don't have a Castle and the "Suit of Armor" for my Knight is made of tin foil with the budget 3 kids keeps you on! (LOL) But, through all of the bumps in the road in which we have endured. Through all of the good, and the bad days we have had. i LOVE him. I love him more than my words can tell you, more than my fingers can type. I need him like I need air. He makes me happy to be me, he gives me courage to do the things that I do. And I pray everyday that I give half of that back to him. I hope that I make him feel, the way he makes me feel.

" I died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I
have loved you
for a Thousand years
I love your for a
Thousand More"

Thank you, Carol <3 For being such a good friend, through all the distance that life has put between us.

And thank you Sean, for giving me a Romance and a Love that people dream of. 

Dear Gavin,

"I may not have been there for all of the days of your past, but I promise to be there for EVERY SINGLE day of your future, because to have you in my life has been one of God's greatest Presents."

I often get teary eyed when thinking of all the days I missed out on with you. I look through pictures of you snuggled up in your infant swing, or see you smiling from ear to ear in your bouncer. The pictures from your First Birthday are so beautiful and joyous. I think of how many "firsts" I wasn't there to witness. I wonder if those years will haunt our relationship later on?

I met you when you were already 4 years old. You were the most beautiful child I had ever seen. You smiled, and it was infectious. You infected me with you love of life, your curiosity and your ability to see the World through eyes so pure.

I dove in head first into the Land of Step Mama-ness for you, and I never looked back. I remember the first moment that I knew I was a Mama------
Daddy and I had been dating for 3 months. And I had come over after you went to sleep to watch a movie with him. You weren't feeling well, and we heard you coughing and Daddy went to check on you. My heart.....stopped. You were wheezing and straining to catch your breathe. Daddy went to scoop you up, but you were already in my arms. I ran into the bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as it would go. We sat on the floor as the room filled with steam. You were so panicked, and anxious. Your face was so pale, and I wanted nothing more than to fill your lungs and ease your fear. I huddled you as close to me as I could and I told you to take deep breaths like me. Our chests moved up and down together. And slowly you began to calm down. The steam helped a little, so I wrapped you into a blanket and took you out into the cool air the summer had given us that night. I told you to count the stars with me as you sat on my lap in the front yard, and you kept taking deep breaths while we counted higher and higher. Once you were able to breath more fully, Daddy hurried you into the car and rushed off to the emergency room. My heart went in the car with you and I sat by the phone waiting for news. A steroid shot, a nebulizer treatment, and 3 hours later....you were home.

I had never been so scared in my life. I hugged you and Daddy so tight when you got home, and I hoped I would never see you suffer like that again. (Unfortunately....we all know you get croup often STILL, but your cool Lego Nebulizer makes it much less scary!) And as Daddy and I tucked you in, Daddy spun me around and said, "Good job Mama" and I knew that he was right. I was a Mama, my heart told me I was. <3

I look to all that I have experienced with you, Gavin. And I look to all that is ahead of us. I have fought to be your Mama every step of the way. I have lost friendships, I have had (horrendous) fights with Family, and I have schooled many people on what being a parent REALLY is.Blood doesn't make you a Mama, LOVE does.  I may not share your genetics, you may not have my eyes, and you may not have my smile. But, you grew within my heart so very long ago. You made me a Mom, Gavin. You've taught me how to be the person that I am. I am strong, and I am capable. I learned to defend you, and you taught me how to stand up for myself. I can be assertive, and I can be forgiving. I have a heart larger than I ever knew I did. And it started growing the day I "had" you.

I love you, my baby. From here-----> to the moon.

Hello Lover....

Seeing as Sean and I do not have that typical 'meet in college, get an apartment, get engaged, have an engagement party, get married, buy a house, have children' relationship that you're "supposed" to have.....we do things rather differently sometimes.

Our finances have been pooled since the day we met. Like literally...I had known him for 48 hours and we had already linked our monies. We have never had "his money" or "my money".

We never make it to a holiday or special occasion when exchanging gifts. (its actually become somewhat of a tradition for us to NOT exchange on the day because neither of us has any patience! LOL)

I was the one who asked Sean to marry me. (well...I really said, "I promise never to hurt you, if you'll keep me forever......Will you?")  I asked him on our 3 month anniversary, after I had already booked us an appointment with the tattoo artist I use. He said yes (and I got to keep my appt! HAHA), and we hopped in the car and went and got our rings tattooed on. I wanted him to know that I wasn't like everyone else. I wanted him to know that when I look him in the eyes and say, "I love you", that I mean it. I wanted him to know that i would be his just as long as that ink stays in his skin.

Yesterday, Sean did something else most people don't do. He showed me the REAL ring I will be getting, soon. Soon, not now. We have children and responsibilities. And we have had a few hard years trying to get on our feet having started out relationship as a 21 year old non-college student, and a 25 year old separated (soon to be) Daddy of two.

You see, I am the type of girl who REALLY appreciates symbols and gestures of love. I'm not one who just says I do. To me looking at the picture of this ring, and knowing that it will symbolize all the years and all the work we have put into our love....could almost bring me to tears. Knowing that he worked hard to put money into it, and responsibly decided not to pay the final portion off and deplete our savings....matters to me. Knowing that I have a man, who thinks enough to light candles and have two wine glasses ready for me when I get home from work on a random Thursday, just to show me that he loves me....MATTERS.

So, hello soon-to-be friend. I love you and everything you stand for <3

My Imperfection.

Obviously, none of us are perfect.
My favorite thing to say is that we are all "perfectly-imperfect'".
But... I have this one, not-so-perfect-imperfection.

Ok, ready? This may come as a shock to most and/or all of you:
I---- care too much & try too hard.

I have this....issue? With how rude and inconsiderate people are to one another.

I will not go into detail, but I just needed to vent. I am ANGRY and I am HURT at some things that did not happen this passed weekend.

I sat quietly, and I did not call certain people out on their insensitivity and their flat out RUDENESS when Nola was born. They ignored the day, and ignored our addition. I was especially hurt since the people I am speaking of, ALWAYS receive acknowledgement from me when they have any sort of 'moment' to celebrate in their life.

But with her First Birthday....I can no longer keep my opinions to myself. Some of the same people who hurt me a year ago, hurt me again.

And maybe I am being overly sensitive, because GOD KNOWS I have a dresser drawer FULL of reasons to be hurt by these people. But, maybe because of everything that Nola is AND everything that she represents in our lives, I am at my wits end. She is the glue that binds us all together. For anyone who follows  my blog...you read my entry about what my pregnancy with her, and what her birth means to us. And for people who claim to "love" her or "care", and then to ignore her...you've lost all my patience. I'm MAD now.

And I feel a need to distance myself, and to stop wasting time, energy, and thoughtfulness on people who obviously are too self absorbed to give a $&!T about anyone but themselves and their own feelings.

So, spend your happy time sealed inside your bubble.
Because my time and my good will, will not be entering inside of it's boundaries anymore.

ENJOY!