Why the ' Wait " in my Weight?

Mirrors.
Oh how I despise thee.

It was not that long ago, that my Facebook updates were berating your eyes with trails I was conquering, and veggies i was eating.

It was not that long ago that my jeans were fitting looser and my confidence was getting bigger.

This was only 3 months ago....yet it feels like a lifetime ago.

I have always been an emotional eater. Sean has only seen me cry twice in our (almost) 5 year relationship, and yet he has seen me down a bag of sour cream and cheddar Lays probably 15 times too many.

I have suffered many a traumatic experience this spring/summer.

I lost my Mother (no condolences please, she is still of this Earth. We had tried to rectify a broken relationship one final time to no avail.)

My Love was in ICU with threats by doctors to shock his heart back into sinus rhythm.

Four days after his discharge, my Sister was placed in ICU just 4 doors down from where Sean had been.

Sean's Mother (our 'Cookie') is not doing well, and I fear that I will not have the right words when she leaves us to find Sean's Father in the clouds to comfort him.

I am working 3 jobs, and I am forever trying to be a Mother, Wife, Advocate, Employee, Friend, Playdate Buddy, etc.....and cannot seem to work the balance out to where I am not leaving something on the back burner and filling the room with smoke.

I have been asking myself and asking myself, why I stopped running.I was so much happier and had energy and the Yuck in my life didnt seem so....well, Yuck. LOL

It gave me time to clear my head, and to process the situations surrounding my day to day experiences.

It hit me last night why I strayed and what has made me sad enough to stay away from the trails I love so much.

I want another baby.

I miss feeling tiny feet kick about inside of me.

I miss knowing that I am growing and protecting something that is holding all the strings of my heart.

I look at Nola and want so badly to make her a Big Sister. I want to give her a play mate for the days when her brothers are with Heather and she is all alone at our house.

I want her to have someone to argue with and someone to cry and laugh with.

I dont want my baby swing to sit in its box in my closet.

I miss bottles, and binkies, and itty bitty clothing.

I miss rocking a baby to sleep, and placing her every so gently into the crib and willing with everything inside of you to PLEASE just stay asleep so i can finally take a nap!

I miss being exhausted.

But, I am stuck with my 3 jobs, and the drama that my life holds right now.
I am surrounded by a 2 bedroom apartment, and a back seat full of car seats.
I am a Mother of a pre-made family plus my little addition. I will not be getting pregnant with my second child.....but with my FORTH. And, is that really a responsible decision?  In this economy, with the amount of work I need to do to stay stable and to save for the future.....is it even an OPTION?

*Le Sigh*

I have not the answers to my own questions.
All I know is it scares me to go running and to lose weight, because it feels like I am trying to fix a body and shape it into one that will never again know what it is like to feel a tiny little lady grow inside of it.

And my poor heart.....just REALLY wants a bag of sour cream and cheddar chips just thinking about it.