My Family.

1646 Days ago, my "Family" looked very different. I considered myself mostly alone, with the exception of my Grandparents. I had gone through a series of bad-decision-relationships, and had come to the conclusion that I would end up marrying someone like my biological Father (AKA a pathological liar and an addict)  and ending up a miserable mess.

But 1647 days ago, the man I would end up Marrying met my eyes for the very first time. 

It was an irrational-over the top- can't spend a moment without you- you fit perfectly in my arms, kind of connection. He has made me laugh and love him endlessly since the first moment we met.

I had no idea while joking with him at the bar, that he had a little one and one on the way. But, when he told me... I was not scared. I did not panic. I was eager to meet his son(s). I was amazed at how easy it was to just fall into his life with him and to feel accepted and like it was just "right".

I waited 3 years for his divorce to be finalized, and four years to claim him as MINE. Other than "Mama/Mommy", "MRS."  is definitely a title I have EARNED.

I knew my place was with him and with OUR children. I knew it with everything inside of me. None of this was a shock.

The event that shook our Family....the event that threw us for a loop, happened last September. While driving home from the newly re-named Gulf in Goshen, driving through Hurricane Irene I might add, I received a text message so shocking and sad that I had to pull over and sob until I could no longer produce tears. That was the day that heather texted me to say that the relationship between her and Jen, was no more.

I cried for my sons....cried because they would have to experience yet another life changing moment. Cried, that when they drew family pictures, their images would again need to change. Cried, for Heather and for Jen, cried because they had beautiful photographs and went on fun family vacations, and I wasn't close enough to them to know that something had been wrong. I wasn't there to see the signs and say, "Are you ok?" to my son's Mother. I cried because I knew they had all cried.

I never would have guessed that in a years time, that we would be going to church together; having Sunday night family dinners together; that Heather would be my go-to second shooter for SNAPPEDphotography; or that I would call her just as much and I call Sean at night to make sure everything's ok and that the boys are behaving in both homes .... never would have guessed.

I certainly never expected to have a Family portrait, that looks like this::::

The Purcell's:::: ALL of us

F*ck Cancer

I HATE the C-word.
Nooooooo not THAT C-word.

I'm talking about Cancer.

Childhood Caner to be exact.

I got to spend time last weekend with a wonderful Family from Goshen, who has been fighting ((AND WINNING!!!)) against this awful, grotesque disease.
((Go ahead! See for yourself::: Prayers For Grace ))

The word is ugly, and leaves a bitter taste in all of our mouths. It is hard to imagine, never mind comprehend, why such an ugly disease would attack such little ones.

I'm sure most if not all of you have been seeing articles and blog postings on the family who just lost their Little Warrior, Ty. He was five years old....and the CUTEST little thing! (( take a minute and read Ty's Mommy's story .Then take another moment, and see what Captain America had to say ))

Now, having just spent the day with Grace... I got to see the sunshine in the rain. I got to see a Family pulling through into the light, coming from the darkness. I got to see the smiles, and the silly everyday stuff. The normal banter from the parents (Fran & Frank):::

"Grace... smile!"

"Grace, look at the camera"

"Uggghhhh, can you PRETEND to be happy?"

the normal stuff I see on Evvvvvvery child shoot I do. And it was wonderful to see such an average day in their lives. To see that they are functioning like any other family with a moody pre-teen. It was comforting and it was REAL. I had a blast spending time with them in front of my lens....watching an extraordinary family, have an ordinary day.

So many of us take our days for granted. We don't cherish and respect those days the way we should. I have read, and cried....and gone back and re-read, and cried some more.... the blog from little Ty's Mother. And it makes me grateful. Grateful for spilled milk, and for dirty finger nails. Grateful for missed bedtimes, and for time outs. Makes me grateful for dirty foot prints on a clean kitchen floor, and for stepping on Lego's in the dark.

My heart crumbles inside my chest as I think of what that Mother would give for those things. What deal with God she'd be willing to accept for one more day with her son. Tears fall down my face as I think what I would promise, what fate I would accept.... to save my babies.

 I would never wish that on anyone. No one should EVER have to watch their child suffer, and watch their hair fall out, and answer questions about mortality.

Please, Take a moment and visit SNAPPEDphotography. I have added a DONATE button, and ALL proceeds will go directly to Grace and her Parents. Your donation will help this family with outstanding medical bills, Tutoring, and just plain old kid stuff.

My Girl Grace, from our session together :0)

THE FIRST 15 PEOPLE WHO DONATE A MINIMUM OF $50, BEFORE DECEMBER 1st WILL BE OFFERED A  GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR $100 OFF ANY SESSION VALID UNTIL DECEMBER OF NEXT YEAR (2013)




Oh....And Cancer?

We're coming for YOU next.
And you don't stand a chance.

Why the ' Wait " in my Weight?

Mirrors.
Oh how I despise thee.

It was not that long ago, that my Facebook updates were berating your eyes with trails I was conquering, and veggies i was eating.

It was not that long ago that my jeans were fitting looser and my confidence was getting bigger.

This was only 3 months ago....yet it feels like a lifetime ago.

I have always been an emotional eater. Sean has only seen me cry twice in our (almost) 5 year relationship, and yet he has seen me down a bag of sour cream and cheddar Lays probably 15 times too many.

I have suffered many a traumatic experience this spring/summer.

I lost my Mother (no condolences please, she is still of this Earth. We had tried to rectify a broken relationship one final time to no avail.)

My Love was in ICU with threats by doctors to shock his heart back into sinus rhythm.

Four days after his discharge, my Sister was placed in ICU just 4 doors down from where Sean had been.

Sean's Mother (our 'Cookie') is not doing well, and I fear that I will not have the right words when she leaves us to find Sean's Father in the clouds to comfort him.

I am working 3 jobs, and I am forever trying to be a Mother, Wife, Advocate, Employee, Friend, Playdate Buddy, etc.....and cannot seem to work the balance out to where I am not leaving something on the back burner and filling the room with smoke.

I have been asking myself and asking myself, why I stopped running.I was so much happier and had energy and the Yuck in my life didnt seem so....well, Yuck. LOL

It gave me time to clear my head, and to process the situations surrounding my day to day experiences.

It hit me last night why I strayed and what has made me sad enough to stay away from the trails I love so much.

I want another baby.

I miss feeling tiny feet kick about inside of me.

I miss knowing that I am growing and protecting something that is holding all the strings of my heart.

I look at Nola and want so badly to make her a Big Sister. I want to give her a play mate for the days when her brothers are with Heather and she is all alone at our house.

I want her to have someone to argue with and someone to cry and laugh with.

I dont want my baby swing to sit in its box in my closet.

I miss bottles, and binkies, and itty bitty clothing.

I miss rocking a baby to sleep, and placing her every so gently into the crib and willing with everything inside of you to PLEASE just stay asleep so i can finally take a nap!

I miss being exhausted.

But, I am stuck with my 3 jobs, and the drama that my life holds right now.
I am surrounded by a 2 bedroom apartment, and a back seat full of car seats.
I am a Mother of a pre-made family plus my little addition. I will not be getting pregnant with my second child.....but with my FORTH. And, is that really a responsible decision?  In this economy, with the amount of work I need to do to stay stable and to save for the future.....is it even an OPTION?

*Le Sigh*

I have not the answers to my own questions.
All I know is it scares me to go running and to lose weight, because it feels like I am trying to fix a body and shape it into one that will never again know what it is like to feel a tiny little lady grow inside of it.

And my poor heart.....just REALLY wants a bag of sour cream and cheddar chips just thinking about it.