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I was making dinner.
Pancakes.
The kids were playing loudly, and watching cartoons.

The phone rang.

I almost didn't answer because it was Grandma.
She always calls at dinner.
But I did, because it was Grandma.

Their are now two times in my life:

Before that Call and

After.

I can almost vividly remember my heart stopping.
I don't remember breathing.

I remember retreating to the basement stairs, to try and shield the children.
I remember yelling the words "Narcan", "overdose" and "you have to tell them the truth".

I heard the front door open on the other end, and many heavy work boots on her hardwood floors.
I remember hearing my grandma say, "My granddaughter says to tell you it's an Overdose. But, that can't be true"

I know that house well, so much so that I knew when they had reached the bedroom just by listening to their boots over the silence on the other end of the line.

The bedroom door opened.

Screaming.

I took in air again.
She's pissed.
This isn't good, but we can survive this.
She needs rehab, she's pissed Grandma called the ambulance.

We will get her help.
We will be so proud of her.
We will cheer her on every time she adds a coin to her collection.
She's done it once before.

The boots moved.....
but slower now, after they'd been in the bedroom.

I hear radio chatter.

Some boots stayed on the wood floors, some sounded to move outside.....so did the screaming.

Boom.

Someone dropped me, and I was left holding my phone while it's counterpart laid on the floor at the other house.
I waited.

I waited for someone to pick me up and talk, or to hang up on me so I could call back.

I couldn't do anything until then.

I sat down on the floor, on our dirty-web-infested basement stairs.
I never go to our basement.

But.....

I couldn't leave.

The kids couldn't see this.
I listened to the heavy boots.
I began to let the reality sink in.
It was not her that had been screaming, but rather screaming for her.
She wasn't mad the paramedics were there.

And they weren't running.
Their steps were steady, even.
I listened to the boots.
It was slow.

No rush.

I waited.

No one had told me what I knew was true.
The moment of Schrödingers Cat.
I knew what was reality, but until someone said it it wasn't real.

A moment where she was still both alive, and very much gone.
A moment where I was a big sister, and very much alone.
A moment where my children had an Aunt, and one where they had gained an Angel.
A moment with a future, and a moment of grief.

I waited.

I listened.

I live in that moment.
I've taken up residency here.
Part of me never left that cobweb filled stairwell.

Part of me felt so safe there.
Because it's ugly and dirty and scary, but she might be okay.

In purgatory.

And I'm scared to leave. 

It's Just Veggies People

When I looked over at the pregnancy test I took on that June day, when I found out we were surprised pregnant with Edison...everything changed.

I did not want a baby. We were not trying for a baby. Sean will tell you, I'm not the crying type...but, I cried myself to sleep in his arms more than once those first 3 months. 

I questioned my faith, and thought about terminating the pregnancy. 

We announced early, because it scared me that I had contemplated such a thing. I needed positivity to surround me. I needed people to tell me how wonderful it was, and how excited they were.

Then began the journey of "fake it til you make it". And, when he finally kicked within me....I was no longer acting... I was for sure in love. 

But, I don't like when things don't go as planned. I need a plan. His surprise existence made me question everything. 

What's my parenting style?
Why?
How will I feed him?
Why?
How do my children get educated?
Why?
How do I approach my babies milestones?
Why?
How do I get medicated?
Why?

I researched cloth diapering, breastfeeding, cosleeping, essential oils, homeschooling, babywearing, e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

Over time, the more you educate youraelf, the more you want to know. 

Most recently.... I've taken a dive into cruelty free research.

Sean and I went vegetarian several years ago, for about 10 months. But, I was a stay at home Mom and he was not yet medicated...so, income did not allow us to continue. 

This time around I had several helpful tools on my side: Pintrest, Instagram, and Facebook (much better than Myspace for things such as finding support and encouragement) and several IRL vegetarians/vegans. 

I watched documentaries, did research, and timing just aligned.

My younger sister is finally healthy and happy, after a long battle with heroine addiction. And, I didn't realize it until she got clean...but, I think I was punishing myself all these years for not being able to protect her. For carrying on with my life, and being happy...while she was stuck in Hell. I realized while she had her addiction, it fyelled my own. With food. 

I met a wonderful chick who happened to be vegan ( I'm talking about you, Brianne!), and I had recently discovered Lularoe. And, before you get all crazy telling me I'm crazy.... this clothing line literally changed my life. It took a post partum Mama with low self esteem, and gave me my confidence back. 

With a renewed sense of  self, and a desire to change my life and get healthy for my kids.... I adventured simultaneously on a journey to detox off topical steroids for my eczema, and to get our family on the path to being cruelty free.

It was the start of,
How do we get our nutrition?
Why?

I noticed a change immediately. 

I had more energy, I felt so much more positive. 

My skin is still shitty, but it's to be expected at this stage of TSW. But, it feels better than it looks most days. Which, in and of itself is HUGE. Typically during a flare the depression and pain are so intense.... well, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

For the first time in my life: I'm eating veggies at every meal, I'm eating proper portion sizes, and I'm living my morals. I've lost 27 lbs in 6 wks, which...again, UNHEARD of for me. I've never lost weight consistently, and for my BMI I started at a solid 55-70 lbs overweight. (And thats with minimal exercise, due to sweat being painful on my ever flaring eczema at the moment)

I eat to live now, I don't live to eat. 

I still love being in the kitchen, and I can cook anything and everything that we used to eat and love.... just meat free :0)

I find it funny, how many people have negative things to say. We aren't hurting anyone. I mean.... LITERALLY. ((lol))

Yes. 

I've gone hard at this. 

It's my LIFE, that I'm changing. 

My husbands LIFE.

My kids LIVES.

Worth the effort....no?

In addition to being vegetarian, I've also gone gluten and dairy free.... primarily for my skins sake. And, I still eat 3 meals and 2 snacks a day

Trust me. 

I don't go hungry. 

If you're interested in how or why or...whatever, about our process, whether because you don't understand it or because you are curious to take the plunge yourself.... PLEASE just ask. :0)

In the mean time I will leave you with two truths:

1) I was an avid lover of a juicy, red centered beef burger.

2) there is a reason why we take our kids to Apple orchards, and not slaughter houses. 

Real Talk

Lately, coparenting feels a lot more like work than it has in a long time.

Quite frankly: it fucking sucks.
I absolutely hate it.

Little decisions, feel like big ones.
Easy days, somehow turn into milestones and precedents.
I told y'all it wasn't always pretty.

It used to be fucking awful.
Then, it was very fluid.
Today....it's confusing.

I keep reminding myself, at the end of the day....we are all family. And sometimes---family blows. Sometimes, you just piss eachother off. And sometimes you can't reach an agreement.

And, agreeing to disagree is really smiles through clenched teeth.

I don't know when it won't feel so hard again. But I (hope) & know it's coming.

Every situation and every family waxes and wains.

We four are in a life long relationship, raising these boys. We all show up. We all love the fudge out of them. We all believe we are firmly planted next to the best decision for them. We are all blending, additionally, in our own homes while raising these guys. Not every day is magical when trying to navigate this. THAT I can promise you.

It's literally a cluster fuck.
I mean, really.
Look it up.
We certainly must all be pictured next to the term.

It's hard enough for one married couple to raise children under one roof, with two people who are in love and share similar ideals and values. To get them to reach an agreement on the day to day, ins and outs of parenthood.

We...well we arent doing that. We are trying to have two (realistically three) households overlap, raising a community of SIX children with SIX adults, each house with a set of adult couples who share very different views of how to turn these tiny people we are proud of, into adults we can be proud of, while making as few mistakes along the way as possible.

What.the.actual.fuck.

Right?

It's complete and utter lunacy.

But, here we stand.
We all still show up.
We all still love the ever living fudge out of these crazy babes.

So, on we trudge.
Some days, I want to cry.
Some days, I do.
Some days I swear, a LOT.
Some days, I have nothing good to say.

Because I don't know when it won't feel hard anymore.
I don't know when our books, and our pages will align again, and we will once again become fluid.

But for now I trust us.
All of us.
I trust my family.
Dysfunctional, though we may be at times.

And really, what's the alternative?

I know we are all doing our very best to hold fast to our household parenting values, while not stomping on anyone else's toes.

It's an ugly dance at times.
It's difficult not to get passionate.

But, we all keep going..... because those boys are what we are passionate about. And we will all, always....agree about that.

This Guy ♡

I cannot believe how different life looks, from a year ago.

I don't remember life without this little guy. But, I remember being horrified that he was created and on his way.

I remember all the reasons.

I was scared to lose my body again.
I was scared we couldn't afford another.
I was scared to lose the sleep, I had just regained.

I still don't love my body.
I still don't have extra money.
I still don't sleep well.

But, Lord.
Look at this boy.
Look at our family.

Did you ever see anything so perfect, or complete?

Yea, me neither.  ♡

Our (not so) Little Lady

I know she's difficult  to see, but Nola is tangled up in my arms and that blanket.

These days don't happen as frequently as they used to, or as much as I'd like them to.

She's getting so big, and she's always been very independent.

But, lately she will come to me and askeep for a snuggle,  or a kiss, or....for anything, really.

And I know she is so patient with how much attention her baby brother requires.

So when she asks.....I know she needs it. I know she has been a good girl and waited so patientlyrics and she just needs her Mommy or Daddy too.

(Because, she is till our Little Lady.....no matter how stinking tall she gets!)

She asks how my day was, she reminds us to get gas, she tells the boys to charge their phones, and makes sure Artax has food and water.

Such a nurturing sould, she has. Always making sure everyone has what they need and that they are prepared.

I love her. Her twirls. And, her beautiful heart.

They Aren't So Little Anymore

Sean and I have explained on numerous occasions to the boys why he and I are together, how we came to be. Never in much detail. It was never really asked of us.

One night this week, I had put the tiny two to bed, and the boys were finishing up a drink and brushing their teeth in the bathroom, as I readied myself for bed across the hall.

Holden walked into my room, as he normally does, but instead of hugging me and going about his travels to his own bed....he plopped down on mine. I looked at him sideways, and he grinned.

Gavin waved at me as he began to pass (you know, the cool preteen that he is, sometimes he skips the goodnight kisses.) our bedroom door....caught himself mid stride, having realized Holden didn't look like he was making any progress on getting to the third floor, and he plopped, too.

Then.....they talked. 

They talked like I've never had them speak to me before.

They asked questions about so many things. They asked about my life before I met their Daddy. They asked about Sean and Heather together. They asked why they ended up apart. They asked about marriage, and divorce. They asked about my parents. They asked about Seans parents.

So.
Many.
Questions.

But...
Then, even more unexpected than the asking...

They started to SHARE.
They shared with me about their first memories. Some happy, some sad. So many I didn't expect. They think about things, that are deeper than I realized they do.

Gavin remembered meeting me.
That....well that about killed me.
I tried to resist the crying, because it freaks him out. (Aspergers + preteen = please dont cry in front of me, I get all spastic)

But, alas. I could not. I knew it was coming. Knew I couldn't hold it for long. I held out as long as I could, in my defense.

I finally gulped the air, and it caught in a firey pocket in my throat, burning at me to shed my tears and hold him. And he shocked me by rubbing my back, and not being freaked out at all.

He let me go, I wiped my eyes...and we all just continued.

It lasted over 2 hours. Stories, memories, and me being able to explain things a little more because the age appropriate-ness has changed. They're not so little these days.

It may have been one of my top three memories with each of them. (Third only to the day I met each of them, and the separate days that I *knew* I was a Mama to each of them. The day something changed and I knew we were family).

I don't think I'll ever forget how I felt once they did finally hug and kiss me, and adventure to their room. While it was happening, I knew it was special. And once it was over, I wanted to jar the magic they had left in the room behind them. They had no idea the gift they had just given to me.

And, someday, at their graduation party, or maybe their wedding reception....maybe I'll retell the tale ♡

Rewind to December

December started with a BANG! with #Teampurcell sending Gavin off for his first surgery. {It was also, the first "big" event that four adult members of the team, gathered for one of the boys}

Not to be out done, Holden decided shortly thereafter that he too, would enjoy some medical attention. Appendicitis?  Nahh, just full of sh!t.

December saw another year of decorating, and making holiday memories (like the annual event of Artax wearing her ugly Christmas tree sweater)

We survived the black out that literally occured jusssssst after the tree went up, and the gingerbread house was finished.

Sean and I {FINALLY} got a minivan, and depleted Allllll the Christmas  finances, just in time for Santa to feel like a schmuck.

Gav-man turned 12, and has expensive taste for anything-goes-Birthday-Dinner now. Though....I still don't  understand how..... he is still the little tyke that chased me around a park in Goshen and demanded we get ice cream after, and wouldn't let me leave the parking lot ♡ Oh...and a Star Wars thing happened, and they were all excited, and blah blah, #iloveyouiknow and stuff.

We went on our annual drive to see Christmas  lights after dinner for Gavs  birthday, because that's another perk of being born a week before Christmas. And....we all fit in a vehicle :0)

We put out cookies, we listened to music, and Santa even called! Holden deemed it the "Best Christmas Ever!" on that fact alone. 

 We wore short and dressed without tights, because Christmas Eve was in the 70's!

Santa came and even though we wished we could have done more... they were so genuinely happy. Each year I tell myself to scale back, because  we want them to remember WHY Christmas is special, and not for the gifts. And this year, they really taught me...they get it. And they are genuinely  gracious  and thankful kiddos.

 And, we took two family photos, that mean more to me than I could express. Both for very, very different reasons. 

Goodbye & Hello

This year can best be summed up by the Pins that I always find myself looking  at in moments when I need them.

Some are deep. Some real. Some just funny.

Some about lost/changed friendships. Some about new, unexpected friendships. Some about the depth of Motherhood. Some about how you have to bend and change in marriage, and constantly  get to know one another again. Some about the adventures  to come on my new, & upcoming, career  move. And sone about needing to own a minivan.