Coming from a 'broken family' myself, I knew what all the possible outcomes of my involvement looked like. I knew what my life would be. I knew what I was 'getting myself into'. Or, so I thought.
I thought, back then, that Sean and I would forever sit side by side with Heather and her fiancèe across from us. Sure, we 'came to the table'. We talked. We were raising the same boys. We discussed medical info, school issues, sport sign ups. Necessary, unavoidable raising-the-same-kids stuff. But, we did not "coparent", as we have since learned to. We were never a Team.
Those were difficult days. Days where you prayed before entering the Galleria that you wouldnt all run into eachother. Days where you'd swear under your breath if one of the boys fell, and you had to explain a bruise. Days where anxiety was an all too common state of norm. Days where sharing the boys wasn't easy.
Ugly Days.
Then.... we found ourselves in an unexpected circumstance. An unexpected text message I recieved on the way home from CVS, just as the rain began to fall from the hurricane. A text saying Heather was now single. That she was alone with the boys. Many expected us to become 2:1. I wouldn't have it. I had worked too hard and invested too many hours crafting homemade gifts trying to create peace amongst us. For the sake of our boys. This hurricane would pass, and so would her heartache. We would figure it all out together. Her birthday arrived shortly thereafter, and Nola gave her a tiara and flowers. And that.... was Day One.
So. We were three. We chose to bond together, rather than create a 'two against one' situation. We had some serious stuff to hash out, Ugly Day stuff to sort through. But, somewhere between a summers day diagnosis of Aspergers for Gavin, and a pre Christmas margarita meet up between Heather & I at Chili's.....we had sorted some serious shit out. We all found Team Purcell.
Sean and I were obviously always going to be a unit, we had taken vows to support each other. We would always be on the same page, and be on the same side. So I made it my mission for Heather and I to establish something special. I wanted her to see through me, to my heart. To see what my intentions were, in such a way that she would never have to guess if any of my actions had alterior motives. To know where my lines were drawn. And I wanted to know hers. I was sick of years of guessing if a text had a snotty attitude attached. Sick of trying to figute out if "It's fine." meant it was fine, or that we were actually fighting. I wanted her to know that I'm not in any sort of competition. Im not here to battle for the position of Best Female Influence in The Life of Gavin and Holden. I wasnt vying for any awards. Im not trying to be their Mom.She's their Mother. Im here really and truly because I love these boys as much as I love their Daddy. And I didn't want to have limits on my love. I hoped she could see that. I know my place is behind her whenever it needs to be. When a situation doesnt have room or cater to a multiple parent family, I know she and Sean get first dibs. But, whenever possible..... I wanted to have a front row seat too. I wanted her to know.... I WANT that. I didn't want to have important days of our sons lives told to me. I wanted to experience them as well.
Ugly days seemed a thing of the past.
People commended us, people called us "inspirational".
We had done it.
We built something beautiful & strong.
We had something I wished so badly that my parents could have done.
Then..... summer of 2014 came.
Much newness entered.
Sean and I were {SURPRISE!} expecting, and Heather was growing in her own way.
All of a sudden we were anticipating a new little male human and she was entertained by a grown male human. A relationship. She had a Mister, and he had his own children and baggage.
It was a strange time.
Sean and I had always anticipated Heather adding another Misses to our Team. Sean never expected another male to share his boys with. And I had mentally prepared to welcome whoever the "She" in our future was to be with open arms. It may seem a trivial part of the equation.....but we were both unsure how to react to this new man being throw into the mix. This was not the future we anticipated.
You certainly can't be angry at someone for ending up in a heterosexual relationship. {though.... the irony of it is not lost on me} And we weren't/aren't. It was just.....complicated. It caught us off guard. I don't do well without a plan. I had NOT planned for this.
Add to that all of the factors of my pregnancy, and getting ready for Number Four...whilst my friend and Mother of my eldest sons was busy building something new..... distance.
Distance invaded our Team.
Her new Mister was not a stranger. His was a friendly face to our family. Someone we had known.
Initially, we saw this as a note of comfort. We new he wasn't a serial killer. He wasn't going to skip town with Heather and the boys, leading us on a manhunt cross country.
But.... shit. We also knew The Former MrsMister. That complicated things in a way I did NOT anticipate.
The fact that those two were fairly recently separated and still figuring out exactly what that looks like and taking steps to be separate forever.... whoa. It's hard to watch other people go through the Ugly Days. Almost as difficult as being their yourself.
I tried my darndest to be Sweden. I wanted neutrality. I avoided Heather, and asked her not to tell me details about her new relationship for months. It made me a shitty friend to her, but.... I wanted no involvement. I wanted to proudly wave a white flag. If someone asked if I knew anything, I wanted to HONESTLY be able to look them in the eyes and say "no". I didn't want The Former MrsMister to feel like it was her against the world. Like she was sucked in to a huge math equation that didnt account for her. One that would.leave her negative. Team Purcell is/was unconventional. It's a lot to be thrown into. Or....as it were.... have thrown at you, without a choice. And I knew balancing both friendships would be a delicate, more accurately, impossible feat at this stage in the process.
Getting divorced sucks.
Starting new relationships sucks.
Doing both simultaneously.....FKN sucks.
I remember those days watching Sean survive ut all too well.
I just wanted distance from their journey.
But... hard days inevitably occured.
And I remember being odd-chick-out during the Ugly Days. I remember loving so hard, and having no say. I remember crying alone in the shower and wishing I didnt have to share my people. I remember rage over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and the urge to throat punch. I couldn't just sit back, knowing all too well the struggles Heather must have been struggling.
Then....
The Former MrsMister.
Shit.
I like her oh so much. We had never had wine night or stayed up all night chatting on a sofa, but social media makes Mamas close. You see each others days, and sometimes you just need a "you're doing great! Hang in there! " and she had always been there for that. She cheered me on when I began running, and comforted me in the most genuine way when I had to stop running, due to an unexpected pregnancy. I unleashed ugly thoughts and feelings....and she never judged. Never.
Her days were no picnic either. Ugly Days are for everyone in the beginning. Not just for odd-chick-out. I lent to her the insight I had procured through our years of Team Purcell. We got each other. These days are hard. We shared many a deep sigh, and simple nod. And we both knew everything that one moment meant.
I did my best to support all parties.
I always want to fix.
I always want to friend.
But, somehow, despite my greatest efforts the rules I set for myself and my best intentions....
I find myself with no one to support.
No one to encourage.
No one to engage in discussion of these circumstances.
In betraying my initial stance on being Sweden and in lowering my white flag, in deciding to cross into the battle zone to lend a hand.... I have made myself smell of the enemy. I have made all parties leary that I am a Trojan Horse.
So, here I sit.
Exactly where I didn't want to end up.
It is amazing to me, looking back, how adding one relationship has set Team Purcell back five years. We certainly aren't back in the Ugly Days.... but, I feel as though we must rebuild from the bottom up.
Funny how it all started after a hurricane. That a storm is where our story began. I find myself bracing against the wind these days. Waiting for the pressure to subside, and normalcy to return once more. I await the sun.
When I took vows with Sean, I made promises to his (our) sons as well. I promised to love and respect their Mother, because I love and respect them. And they are half of her. Mind, body, and soul. I cannot love them, and not also love her.
Til death due us PAR(en)T.
On the good days, and the bad.
