Little Ones, with BIG words.

Bedtime.

Tucking in your children can sometimes lose its magic. It's something we do each and every night and, truth be told, every now and then we are more focused on the dishes waiting in the sink or the agenda we have at work the next day to really stop and enjoy what really is a magical time in our day. Putting our Little Ones to bed, tucking them in, holding them close, and kissing their little foreheads... it's something we forget to cherish from time to time.

But, today.
Today is Thanksgiving.

I took extra care tonight when tucking my Littles in and with helping them say their bed time prayers.

The boys share a bedroom, and thus take turns saying there prayers out loud.

Holden always goes first, because Gavin likes being the last one in the room to talk.

Tonight, Holden finished and Gavin began to speak.

Gavin gets stuck on things repetitively, his prayers are almost the same word for word night after night. So, this evening I prompted him to try and thank God for the things he is Thankful for. {All of his parents, Holden and Nola, his Wii, Artax, Gummi snacks....these things all made his list} Then I asked Gavin to pray for people who need blessings. People who don't have a Wii, or Gummi snacks, or maybe even lights or heat or a home.

At this, Holden stirred in his bed across the room, and responded with a puzzled look.

I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "No houses?"

"No honey, no houses. Some people don't have blankets or beds or even houses. That's why we pray for them. We pray because we want God to keep them safe and warm and to help them find a better life. We pray for those who need it."

At this, Holden burst into tears.

"That's so sad", he said.

I comforted him, told him it is sad but that we pray and we help. We can be Helpers.

I kissed my Boys, and tucked them in.
I turned on their night-time-sounds, shut off the light, and went to shut the door.

"Mama?"
I pushed the door back open, it was Holden's small five year old voice.

"I know what I want to do once I'm Bigger-Bigger."
I turned on the light.
"I'm gonna build the houses. I'm gonna build them waaaaaaaaayyyyyy big, up to the sky. And Gavin(turning to his brother)....you can make the lights."

Bedtime.

Bedtime is a magical time of night.
Don't forget it.

The dishes can wait.

The Reality of Being Grown Ups

It.Sucks.

For just as many reasons as it is a wonderful time in all of our lives, its also a sucky time.

Now as awesome, and adorable, and adjusted ( if I do say so myself =P ) as my family is...it does not change the fact that I am 26 with no college education between myself or my Husband, with three small children to keep alive daily. (Little Cooties want to eat EVERY DAY!? wassatabout???)

For the first time since he and I met, Sean and I are both working in "Big Kid" jobs. I have a desk, and snazzy business cards. While he dons a suit 3 (soon to be 4) nights a week. We finally have an income that allows us to (rent and) live in a HOUSE, and *gasp* have money left over at the end of the month.

Now, as awesomely awesome as we both are at said Big Kid jobs.... I work during sunshine hours, while he earns a paycheck under the cover of night. (All the while trying to convince me that he may, in fact, really be Batman)

So, the price I am currently paying in order to live in this adorable and beautiful house and to have dollars in the bank at the end of the month....has me sleeping in bed alone 5 nights a week, and the Hubster walking in the door as I'm getting ready for work.

It.is.HELLLLLLL.

I am a strong, confident woman/wife/and Mama.
But this shit sucks.

There are no words to describe the loneliness of being married, and still going to bed alone.
I have a new found appreciation for anyone in a relationship where one of you gets deployed for MONTHS at a time. Because I am throwing major hissy fits over not seeing Sean for 5 days a week.

I am so very proud of both he and I for FINALLY getting high enough up the ladder that neither of us is in water. It was hard. REALLY hard, especially without any college degrees to boost us up the ladder. But, here we are. We made it.

The first 6 weeks were ROUGH.
But, we are finally figuring out what our new schedules mean.
It means I need to set an alarm for 2am, and wake up to say hi to him when he walks in the door.
It means he needs to do laundry during the day while he's home, in between naps.
It means we needed to get AWESOME(r) at communicating. There is no room in a schedule like this for us not to be on the same page. One small hiccup on a Thursday in communication and we don't see each other in person for more than 45 minutes until Tuesday of the next week. And that....means so much of the fighting.
(Needless to say, several hiccups lead us to finding a fix and so far so good!)

But, alas....
I miss my Man.
The kids miss Daddy at bed time.

I guess I just need to hit the Lottery, and this can all be solved ;0)

Until then, communication. Communication. Communication.

I know some of my friends out there are having marital issues.
I know it isn't easy.
But all relationships have seasons.
Some are chillier than others.
But, then you need to start a fire!

It was very easy for me to be angry (unfair anger, but anger nonetheless) when I would have to feed 3 kids dinner, bathe them, put them to bed alone, clean the house, and then get into bed alone myself. I felt like he was abandoning me. Like, here I was. Six years into this relationship. And now that we finally don't have the financial stress..... I'm in this house, in my bed alone! UGGHHHH! Why?! How the Hell is that fair?!?!?!??!

It isn't.
But Life doesn't owe us anything.

I chose to skip college, start a family, and marry my Man.

So, if this is the season I'm in right now....I'll take it.
I have the Family of my dreams.
I have a wonderful job.
I have an amazing man who works all night, somehow finds time to sleep AND put our boys on/off the bus each day AND raise our daughter all damn day, before going back to work the minute I walk in the door at 5pm each night.
((OH! And did I mention he also has a part time job, so he works SEVEN days a week?! Because he does.)) ((I married a Superhero for real))

So, here we are again.
The Crazy Purcell's, and their unconventional way of doing things.

So, if you need me.....
I'll be up from 2am-3am saying good morning to my Hubster before we climb back into bed to finishing the night sleeping TOGETHER. <3

My Husband

My Husbands hair is graying, in a salt and pepper fashion, from loving so hard and from caring so deeply. It is gray from worry, and it is gray mostly from decisions that others made in his life. He is a kind Man, one who follows lovingly and who doesn't like to fight. He has traveled on other peoples roads, and although I am loud....and stubborn....and I hate to 'lose', I always try to meet him half way because he has had his fair share of giving and not enough taking in his time.

My Husband has kind eyes. Eyes that look at me and all my flaws and still decide to stay and to Love. Eyes that watch our children grow, and eyes that cried each time one of them entered this World.

My Husband has soft lips. Lips that kiss for no reason, or kiss with passion, or kiss away tears.

My Husband has strong arms. Arms that scooped me up the first night I met him. Arms that hold me any time I'm scared. Arms that pull me back, when I push him away to see if he will leave like everyone else. Arms that never let my push be stronger than his hold.

My Husband has a gentle heart, one that beats for his Family and one that welcomes back ones who have broken it. His heart could fit the World twice over, and I am still unsure how I am so lucky to hold such a large place in it.

This Man that I married 365 days ago.....
This Man that is my everything.....
This Man that made me a Mama & a Mommy....
This Man will never be able to ask of me anything that will amount to or equal  what he has given  to me.

He has given me stability, helped me reclaim my sanity when I thought I had none, and he has given me my Family.

I, the girl who swore off marriage, have completely given this Man my Heart....my Life...my Love.

Happy Anniversary, Love. 

threesixtyfive

One year ago,
Sean and I adventured to Town Hall & to a Justice of the Peace.
I stood with my daughter in my arms in front of my Man.
Holden was at his side,
and our Best Friends witnessed as we promised to love each other all the days of our lives.

                        <3 Happy Anniversary <3

Ps--- Gavin, when you read this years from now, Mama wants you to know that you were at school when we got married. We love you very, very, very much, but we also wanted to keep it a secret, and well.... let's face it Buddy. That just isn't your strong suit.  :0)

Take My Hand

I feel conflicted any time I write about this part of my life.

I sometimes feel guilty, or just.....wrong, even simply posting a status update on FB about this.

I've heard from others in similar situations, that this is normal.

But then I realized, that this is MY life.

 These are all things I'M feeling, about this shitty situation that effects ME and MY family. And.... That's ok.

I am ALLOWED to vent, and mourn, and look for an outlet. It is OK for me to NEED this.



My sister had been doing better.
I was so excited and so proud. I felt like she was graduating college. I couldn't stop talking about how wonderful she was doing, or what great progress she was making.
I felt like I had given birth again and was telling everyone about my wonderful baby eating solid foods for the first time.(You know....all that nonsense that means the World to you, but everyone else creates excuses to end the conversation? Yea. Like that)  I was beaming.

We were talking on the phone, she would tell me about her NARC-ANON meetings, and I would just soak in the sun as she radiated this new light.

I was so proud, and full of hope.....
But, I wasn't naive.

She came and borrowed the car, and Sean Lo-Jacked it. (I'm not stupid) We both knew that relapse is a part of recovery, and if we could hold her accountable IMMEDIATELY if she were falling into old ways, maybe we could prevent a complete collapse....and leave her with just a stumble.

She brought the car back.
Smiled, kissed me, and left to go back to her place.

We checked out the tracking device.

DEVASTATED.

She didn't go to a meeting.
She went to Watt's Park.

I immediately drove the 4 houses down from ours, to where she lives.
Instant accountability.
She denied it, flat out. Looked me right in the face, and denied it.
That's when I became addicted to denial.

You know those awfully over acted commercials? The ones with the single Mom leaving the house, and she walks in on her son and his friend counting pills, and she just pretends she didnt see it?
I used to laugh at how sickeningly inaccurate that was.
Who could be that dumb?

Answer: ME.

Me. I was that dumb. I left my sister that night, and drove home.
I didnt believe her lie, but I was so hopped up on Pride that I completely turned a blind eye to Truth.

Why, you ask?

I, am selfish.
I want my sister.
I want my kids to have to have an Aunt.
I don't have parents, and my Grand-Parents are aging further and further away from their time on Earth with me. And, I want FAMILY. My sister is pretty much all I have in that department.

And so selfish, blind me..... looked the other way.

A few weeks passed.

And no other incidents raised red flags.

Things were going well. She was coming to visit the kids, and saying she was attending her meetings.

She asked to watch the kids one day while Sean and I were at work. *Nervous* I was skeptical, but knew I had to give her some slack in the rope and what she did with it was her business.

She loves my babies. I know she does.

So, Sean and I agreed to let her watch them for the 3 hours that our shifts overlapped on a day that I had evening hours.

Unbeknownst to her, we set up motion activated cameras and once she left Sean watched to see what had taken place while she was here.

Sean called me so happy. She had been AWESOME, she was so involved and attentive. She was present and aware. She was the model for any Aunt/Caregiver.

So, when I had a day where I needed childcare yesterday.... I called Aunt Mi Mi.

She came on time, and we left.

But....before we left.... I had this urge. One I can't explain. One that didnt make any sense. I walked over to the fridge and opened it. I looked and looked, because I felt like I was forgetting something. But, my lunchbox for work was already in the car.

Then, I saw it.
We had a bottle of Whiskey in the back corner on the top shelf.
It was opened and the neck was gone. But, 85% of the bottle was still there. I took it out and visually made a note of where the level was, and asked Sean to come in and verify. We made a visual 'marker', one that we could without a doubt recall later that night. We left the house at 9:30am.

At 3:51pm, Sean sent me a picture message of the bottle. More than 16 oz was missing.

I was sick.

I left work early, and flew home.

My babies were safe.

*Thank Jesus*

I jumped out of the car, ran inside our house, grabbed the bottle, and sped to her house.

I knocked on her door, and when she came out my mouth burned from anger, and my eyes burned from sadness.

I spat 2 ugly sentences at her, set the bottle down, told her to keep it if it mattered to her so much, and drove back home.

Sean watched the videos, and later on....once I could bring myself to...I did too.

My children were alone in the living room for 2 hours, while she drank in my kitchen. My one year old, and my four year old.

My stomach lurched.

I wanted to vomit.

My Loves, my Life, my BABIES.

I protect them from everything.

What the Hell was I thinking?

I can't defend my choice.
I knew I didnt completely trust her, or I wouldnt have planted the GPS tracker, or the video, or measured the Whiskey.

The best way I can describe it is this::::::

Sean and I had been obsessed with the Sci-Fi (Now know as Sy-Fy.... if you watch Big Bang, you just called it "Sifee" in your head) show called "Tin Man". It was a modern take on "The Wizard of Oz" and takes place generations after Dorothy Gales journey to the yellow brick road.

DG (the Dorothy-esque main character) finds herself in the O.Z. and is bombarded with info about her life as a child.

The short version of where I'm going with this, is that ultimately DG realizes that the "Wicked Witch" is her sister. And as she travels to locations from her childhood, memories start flooding back to her. The sad truth, she realizes, is not that her sister is Wicked at all. She was taken hostage in her own body by a witch as a child, and had since given up hope of ever regaining control of her life again, and so succumbed to the Witches  control.

I don't know what made me search for this show, or why I watched it since it is at least 4 years old. But, whatever the reason.... I watched and finished this the night before shit hit the fan.

I have kept re-playing the last scene, and its symbolical relevance in my head.

The Witch had only been able to gain control over the sister, when the two sisters had let go of each others hands.

While they were joined, nothing in the World could over come them.
They were safe from anything and everything.
But, when one sister got scared and let go..........
Bad things happened.

At the end of the movie, the sisters come together and one says to the other..." I'm scared too. But, take my hand. If you take my hand nothing can hurt us."

I think about that.
I think.... 'when did I let go?' "when did I allow this Ugliness to overcome her?'

Then the tears come.
The sobs.
The pain.
The feeling like my heart will explode.
Feeling like I will never know happiness again.

And then I think.... 'when will this end?"

'when will she take my hand?'

Then the tears come.

The sobs.
The pain.
The feeling like my heart will explode.
Feeling like I will never know happiness again.

I dont know what to do next anymore.
I've run out of  next steps.

All I know is I'm adventuring to a Nar-anon meeting.
I need to cry with other people that understand this.
I need to hear success stories....and maybe even ones of ultimate failure.
I need to prepare myself, so that no matter what I dont fall apart completely, or let this rule my life.
I have Sean and my Children.
And they need me.