Gavin Niles Liam:::3,285 days:::Turning Nine

3,285 days ago, my littleBIGboy was born.

 I was 16, and learning to drive.

Never in a million years did I think at this moment, the little man who would make me a Mama was coming into the World.

I was getting my first kiss, and looking for my first job.

I had no idea that just one town away, my little professor was taking his first breath.

I am so thankful that Sean and Heather's paths crossed, and lead them to each other. They weren't destined to grow old together in each other's arms, but to grow old cheering their son's on together as friends.

Their song was "God Bless the Broken Road", by Rascal Flatts. I smile when I think of this. It's somehow fitting, even now that they are no longer together and even though they have both moved on. Somehow the lyrics still work in some respect....and maybe it makes sense now more than it did back then, for them. They do have a 'broken road" at times. They are the best parents ever, and really have made leaps and bounds to come together and form a friendship to best parent the kids together. But, if they spend more than an hour in a room together without a break.... you will see why they are better off as friends. (( LOL )) So, while they weren't meant to forge a road together.... their paths were meant to cross. And Gavin is what their first purpose was.

I am ever grateful that the roads they travel, briefly became an intersection and that they welcomed a son into this World together. He is the one who made all three of us parents for the first time. He is the one that brought us into adulthood, and gave us priorities. He is who made us realize the true meaning of unconditional Love. He is the reason that we are 'boring' and have chocolate milk in our glasses instead of booze. The reason we watch 'Spongebob' instead of 'Sex in The City". He is our reason....for everything.

As much as I celebrate Gavin's birth each year and pronounce my unconditional Love and Pride for him, I want to take a moment this year and really acknowledge my gratitude and the sincere feeling of being Blessed that I have for being able to be a part of his life. I am so happy that these two people brought this amazing child into this World, and that somehow I not only fell into place here with one...or two....but all three of them.

I could write forever, and cry my eyes out writing about how deep these feelings run through my sole. I could bring on the morning typing away about these amazing Loves that I have in my life. I could start and never stop about the beauty that our family has because of Sean, and Heather, and.....our Birthday Boy.

Thank you so much to the Baby Makers of My Birthday Baby <3

And a Happy, Joyous, Wonderful Birthday to my littleBIGboy ((Gavin Niles Liam))....my Little Pokemon Trainer <3

Being Thankful

Thanksgiving 

Since last year's day of Thanks, so much has happened. my family has had good days, and bad days. We have seen smiles, and we have wiped away tears. I cannot and will not ever be able to fully express in words all of the emotions that my heart feels.... but can anyone really, truly put feelings into writing? Can any of us ever describe why we fall in love, or how intuition makes us choose certain paths? I may not be able to accurately depict how our year as made me Thankful, but as always... I will certainly try. 

I am Thankful for my HUSBAND, and for my ability to finally call him that. I am Thankful that all the rest of my days.... I will be his, and he will be mine. I try every day to understand why I deserve to come home to my best friend, I suppose I may never get an answer. I don't think I am deserving. Maybe that's what a relationship is. Maybe we are all supposed to feel unworthy of such happiness, of such perfection in a partner.... maybe that is what we should all strive for, so that we may spend all the rest of our tomorrow's being Thankful and doing our best to become deserving. Only then will you not stray, will you not get complacent, and then you will find yourself being the person you always wanted to be. In being with that special person, and feeling like you've been blessed to have found such happiness.... you strive to be a better person for them, and eventually you realize that they make you a better person too. Sean is my everything. He is my reason for wanting to accomplish all the things in my life. He is the reason I have my babies, and that I get the chance every day to be a good great Mom. He is my phone call when I'm angry at the lady in front of me at Shoprite with 219874321032496421 coupons and I only have 20 minutes to get home and make it to work. He is the only who tells me it's ok, when the screen at the ATM yells at me, "YOU'RE BROKE!". He is the Man who finds his way to me in the dark when I stub my toe on the stairs trying to pee in the middle of the night. He is all my happy times, and all my hugs when I am sad. He is the source for everything in my life that has meaning. He gave me Love, my babies, a life, Hell.... he even gave me Heather. (lol) For all the joy that this Man brought to the life of a girl who thought she deserved so little.... I, am Thankful.

I am Thankful for my Babies. My Gavin. I am ever Thankful for my Little Professor, who everyday reminds me that he is GAVIN and not Aspergers, not Tourettes, nor ADHD. He is NOT a diagnosis, and he is just himself. He cracks me up with his silly-off the wall sense of humor. He confuses me with his endless knowledge of Pokemon. This Little one who eveolved himself from Thomas to Pikachu.... For this I am Thankful. My Holden. My Little Rockstar-Paleantoligist. His light shines brighter than the sun, and his curiosity has just grown as he does. He is like a sponge about facts, and he forgets NOTHING. He can tell you what each and every dinos name is in your Encyclopedia, and he will make you look like a fool. For him, I am Thankful. My Nola. Words cannot express the joy my life has, now that a Princess has joined us. She is  all the good inside of me, and my eyes fill sometimes when I look at her. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever done with my life, and she is all the music of my heart. I love that little Lady more than my voice could ever speak. For her, I am Thankful.

For Heather. We had seen our fair share of rocky roads, and somehow life brought us on to stable ground. We have found our way to a place that I never thought we could. We have become friends who can share a glass of wine, and paint our nails. We have endured 5 years of trials and tribulations, and somehow made it through to a place where we can survive a hurricane together. We have taken pictures, we have weathered storms, and we have a life time of 'sister-wife-ing' ahead of us as we raise these kids that she has graced me with.

I am Thankful for the Taskers. For Uncle Joe and Aunt Kathryn they have always been there for us and for our kids. They are my Holden's Godparents. Their daughters are my children's cousins. We are at their house for Family functions, and I consider myself at home in their home. I don't have to pretend to be anyone different while in their company, and that is hard to come by. They are beautiful, understanding, and REAL people. And for them...I am Thankful. 

My life is Blessed, and I am ever grateful for where we have ended up and for who we have here with us. I look forward to another year and all it brings, so that next year....my list can be just as beautiful. <3

Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday, and that you have much to be Thankful for. 

My Family.

1646 Days ago, my "Family" looked very different. I considered myself mostly alone, with the exception of my Grandparents. I had gone through a series of bad-decision-relationships, and had come to the conclusion that I would end up marrying someone like my biological Father (AKA a pathological liar and an addict)  and ending up a miserable mess.

But 1647 days ago, the man I would end up Marrying met my eyes for the very first time. 

It was an irrational-over the top- can't spend a moment without you- you fit perfectly in my arms, kind of connection. He has made me laugh and love him endlessly since the first moment we met.

I had no idea while joking with him at the bar, that he had a little one and one on the way. But, when he told me... I was not scared. I did not panic. I was eager to meet his son(s). I was amazed at how easy it was to just fall into his life with him and to feel accepted and like it was just "right".

I waited 3 years for his divorce to be finalized, and four years to claim him as MINE. Other than "Mama/Mommy", "MRS."  is definitely a title I have EARNED.

I knew my place was with him and with OUR children. I knew it with everything inside of me. None of this was a shock.

The event that shook our Family....the event that threw us for a loop, happened last September. While driving home from the newly re-named Gulf in Goshen, driving through Hurricane Irene I might add, I received a text message so shocking and sad that I had to pull over and sob until I could no longer produce tears. That was the day that heather texted me to say that the relationship between her and Jen, was no more.

I cried for my sons....cried because they would have to experience yet another life changing moment. Cried, that when they drew family pictures, their images would again need to change. Cried, for Heather and for Jen, cried because they had beautiful photographs and went on fun family vacations, and I wasn't close enough to them to know that something had been wrong. I wasn't there to see the signs and say, "Are you ok?" to my son's Mother. I cried because I knew they had all cried.

I never would have guessed that in a years time, that we would be going to church together; having Sunday night family dinners together; that Heather would be my go-to second shooter for SNAPPEDphotography; or that I would call her just as much and I call Sean at night to make sure everything's ok and that the boys are behaving in both homes .... never would have guessed.

I certainly never expected to have a Family portrait, that looks like this::::

The Purcell's:::: ALL of us

F*ck Cancer

I HATE the C-word.
Nooooooo not THAT C-word.

I'm talking about Cancer.

Childhood Caner to be exact.

I got to spend time last weekend with a wonderful Family from Goshen, who has been fighting ((AND WINNING!!!)) against this awful, grotesque disease.
((Go ahead! See for yourself::: Prayers For Grace ))

The word is ugly, and leaves a bitter taste in all of our mouths. It is hard to imagine, never mind comprehend, why such an ugly disease would attack such little ones.

I'm sure most if not all of you have been seeing articles and blog postings on the family who just lost their Little Warrior, Ty. He was five years old....and the CUTEST little thing! (( take a minute and read Ty's Mommy's story .Then take another moment, and see what Captain America had to say ))

Now, having just spent the day with Grace... I got to see the sunshine in the rain. I got to see a Family pulling through into the light, coming from the darkness. I got to see the smiles, and the silly everyday stuff. The normal banter from the parents (Fran & Frank):::

"Grace... smile!"

"Grace, look at the camera"

"Uggghhhh, can you PRETEND to be happy?"

the normal stuff I see on Evvvvvvery child shoot I do. And it was wonderful to see such an average day in their lives. To see that they are functioning like any other family with a moody pre-teen. It was comforting and it was REAL. I had a blast spending time with them in front of my lens....watching an extraordinary family, have an ordinary day.

So many of us take our days for granted. We don't cherish and respect those days the way we should. I have read, and cried....and gone back and re-read, and cried some more.... the blog from little Ty's Mother. And it makes me grateful. Grateful for spilled milk, and for dirty finger nails. Grateful for missed bedtimes, and for time outs. Makes me grateful for dirty foot prints on a clean kitchen floor, and for stepping on Lego's in the dark.

My heart crumbles inside my chest as I think of what that Mother would give for those things. What deal with God she'd be willing to accept for one more day with her son. Tears fall down my face as I think what I would promise, what fate I would accept.... to save my babies.

 I would never wish that on anyone. No one should EVER have to watch their child suffer, and watch their hair fall out, and answer questions about mortality.

Please, Take a moment and visit SNAPPEDphotography. I have added a DONATE button, and ALL proceeds will go directly to Grace and her Parents. Your donation will help this family with outstanding medical bills, Tutoring, and just plain old kid stuff.

My Girl Grace, from our session together :0)

THE FIRST 15 PEOPLE WHO DONATE A MINIMUM OF $50, BEFORE DECEMBER 1st WILL BE OFFERED A  GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR $100 OFF ANY SESSION VALID UNTIL DECEMBER OF NEXT YEAR (2013)




Oh....And Cancer?

We're coming for YOU next.
And you don't stand a chance.

Why the ' Wait " in my Weight?

Mirrors.
Oh how I despise thee.

It was not that long ago, that my Facebook updates were berating your eyes with trails I was conquering, and veggies i was eating.

It was not that long ago that my jeans were fitting looser and my confidence was getting bigger.

This was only 3 months ago....yet it feels like a lifetime ago.

I have always been an emotional eater. Sean has only seen me cry twice in our (almost) 5 year relationship, and yet he has seen me down a bag of sour cream and cheddar Lays probably 15 times too many.

I have suffered many a traumatic experience this spring/summer.

I lost my Mother (no condolences please, she is still of this Earth. We had tried to rectify a broken relationship one final time to no avail.)

My Love was in ICU with threats by doctors to shock his heart back into sinus rhythm.

Four days after his discharge, my Sister was placed in ICU just 4 doors down from where Sean had been.

Sean's Mother (our 'Cookie') is not doing well, and I fear that I will not have the right words when she leaves us to find Sean's Father in the clouds to comfort him.

I am working 3 jobs, and I am forever trying to be a Mother, Wife, Advocate, Employee, Friend, Playdate Buddy, etc.....and cannot seem to work the balance out to where I am not leaving something on the back burner and filling the room with smoke.

I have been asking myself and asking myself, why I stopped running.I was so much happier and had energy and the Yuck in my life didnt seem so....well, Yuck. LOL

It gave me time to clear my head, and to process the situations surrounding my day to day experiences.

It hit me last night why I strayed and what has made me sad enough to stay away from the trails I love so much.

I want another baby.

I miss feeling tiny feet kick about inside of me.

I miss knowing that I am growing and protecting something that is holding all the strings of my heart.

I look at Nola and want so badly to make her a Big Sister. I want to give her a play mate for the days when her brothers are with Heather and she is all alone at our house.

I want her to have someone to argue with and someone to cry and laugh with.

I dont want my baby swing to sit in its box in my closet.

I miss bottles, and binkies, and itty bitty clothing.

I miss rocking a baby to sleep, and placing her every so gently into the crib and willing with everything inside of you to PLEASE just stay asleep so i can finally take a nap!

I miss being exhausted.

But, I am stuck with my 3 jobs, and the drama that my life holds right now.
I am surrounded by a 2 bedroom apartment, and a back seat full of car seats.
I am a Mother of a pre-made family plus my little addition. I will not be getting pregnant with my second child.....but with my FORTH. And, is that really a responsible decision?  In this economy, with the amount of work I need to do to stay stable and to save for the future.....is it even an OPTION?

*Le Sigh*

I have not the answers to my own questions.
All I know is it scares me to go running and to lose weight, because it feels like I am trying to fix a body and shape it into one that will never again know what it is like to feel a tiny little lady grow inside of it.

And my poor heart.....just REALLY wants a bag of sour cream and cheddar chips just thinking about it.