A Look Inside My Head

Now, seeing as I have been brutally honest since day one in this Blog....I have no intentions of stopping now. I think we as women have this unrealistic idea that we are each the only one who worries or has insecurities. Well, guess what? We ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL worry excessively and about things that we would never dare say aloud, for we know our friends would slap us for even thinking such things! This Blog entry? This Blog entry will be a full blown admission of the nonsense that has been plaguing my poor little brain, as of late.

Go get the laptop.
Pop some popcorn.
Get a blanket.
Find the comfy part on the couch.
And enjoy the insanity that are my thoughts:::::

::::Worry::::

I have been very pleased with my Blog, it has been a wonderful outlet for my thoughts and also a great way to document this time in my life....but I worry that I sound uneducated and every time I click "Publish Post" I panic.

:::Solution:::

I will start accepting compliments. This may seem a simple task, but I am a HORRIBLE example of someone who believes good things that are said about them.

:::Worry:::

I have taken the leap with REALLY getting serious with my photography. I invested in: a new camera, 5 lenses, a stylish camera bag & matching camera strap, business cards, signage, I now have a FB page, bought a website domain and I am in the works with having it designed. Yet....I worry. I worry that I will not have the income in which I projected and am working so feverishly to have. I look at the camera in my hand and think of all the other things that could have been purchased in it's place. I look at my (unfinished)education, and think OMG! What have I jumped into!?

:::Solution:::

I love photography. I could spend all day everyday clicking away and editing, and it will never feel like work. I will close my eyes, and wait for the year to be over before I whisper a word of doubt in myself. I will let my work and this year speak for itself.

:::Worry:::

I have decided I am a 'Jackie' of all trades. I can photograph, blog, do hair/make-up & nails, I can recreate anything I find on Pinterest, I can cook & bake, I can multi-task, I can find time to be Team Mom when I spend my days with 3 rowdy kidlets and my nights helping the homeless, I am a good friend and a great listener. I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to, and I do it better than well.  Then why, oh why am I unable to lose weight? I HATE what I see when I look in the mirror, and yet I cannot seem to commit to making the FULL effort in which it will take to change what I see when I look at the reflection before me. I worry that Sean is as un-attracted to the image before him, as I am. And (rational or not) I get sick every time I see Heather getting smaller and smaller. (Bless her, she has worked hard..and she looks GREAT) But, I cannot help but think (or, feel?) that I have to.... 'compete'?,with the 'ex-factor'. I mean, we've all done the facebook stalk to see who our boyfriend, fiance, husband, whoever dated before us....Well, I have her shrinkingness in front of me alllllllllllllllllllllll the time as a reminder of how HUGE I am. And while I know it's silly (but hey, thats what this entry is all about! hahah), it's the thought that plagues my mind most often. Now, I realize in the Real World, this is not an issue. But, in my head--- AGGHHHHH! lol I know realistically Sean and Heather were not meant for one another, and they never had the miraculous bond that Sean and I do. I mean they literally joke about how they were ever able to produce not one but two children together. They just weren't meant for a relationship, but they do make great friends :0) Regardless of the fact that I know it's silly to compare myself to anyone....because she is "the ex"....I cannot seem to stop!!!! I know that even if I hit up McDonalds, Pizza Hut and Wedny's everyday until I had to be lifted by a crane from my home...Sean would still look at me and say, "you're beautiful." He is a good man, and I don't deserve him. But, alas. I do not want to be simply 'beautiful' to him. I want to be hot, and sexy. I want I-need-you-right-now-on-the-floor, sex. I want to allow him to leave the lights on. I want to buy slutty, slinky lingerie and pretend he hired me. (What?!This is a blog about my thoughts, and  I think these things! LOL) I want to feel attractive, and I want to like what I see. While my weight has always been the singular thing that I would change about myself....I cannot seem to find the drive to change it. WHY?! For the love of God, why? I am so sick of double digit jeans, and of buying shirts labeled "L". I am sick of hating when the weather changes from cold to warm, and the anxiety of wearing tank tops and having that side-boob-arm-fat make it's Summer debut, sets in. I am sick of staying out of pictures, because I always hate how I look in them. I am sick of it all.

:::Solution:::

I have purchased P90X, and have cleared out the fridge. We have cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and broccoli for snacks. I will stay on task, and hopefully using a program that offers results in a smaller amount of time...I will be more likely to commit seeing as I am an instant gratification type of American (Weird, I know. LOL)

So Ladies...bottom line. You are not alone in your worries. We all worry. We worry about weird stuff that we never want to admit out loud. But, hopefully this admission will make you all feel a little more normal(ish). 

love.yourself

and if you dont

fix.you.til.you.do

<3Nichole

Morning MisAdventures

Being woken up, a mere 4 hours after climbing into bed and submerging yourself under the gloriously comfortable blankets that were calling you name for ever single minute of your 8 hour shift....is not miraculous. But, having three little Wonders to do the waking, well----that is.

If I have to be a sleep deprivation induced Grump-Monster, I would gladly do it if every time I were awakened I got to hear three tiny voices doing the waking.

I work late hours, I rarely unwind enough to get into bed before 1:30/2am. I usually wake up to the sounds of little ones stirring in their beds after a solid 6 hours of sleep. Today, however, I am barely working off of 4 hours. My Little Lady is teething, and the only time she ever has a hard time sleeping solidly through the night is when those little chompers are making their way through the surface to say "hello".

But, alas. This morning her little toothlets decided that she need not sleep past about 6am. Seeing as she is a sharer of her melodious little coos and 'songs', she will happily wake her brothers up with a snazzy little tune of adorableness to start their day.

The boys woke up today accepting her tunes with smiles, even though Gavin had the day off of school and had been excited to sleep in. They just love her so much, that she can {ALMOST} do no wrong.

It is always amazing to me in these seemingly average moments, how much joy I feel. I look at Gavin standing at his sisters crib, while she reaches over the bars to try and snuggle into him, almost to say she missed him while she was sleeping. I hear Holden calling out from under the blankets he has buried his head under, his instant reaction any time we turn the bedroom lights on for the first time, saying "Good Morning Nola-Bean-Furrito-Pants..... I be dehr in a minute. My eyes are still sweepy, but I heeeeeaaaaaaar youuuuuuu." And the sounds of Nola's feet bouncing on her crib mattress, while clinging desperately to the rail for stabilization as she tries desperately to try to get to the place where his little voice is coming from, fills my heart.

These silly, random, seemingly normal moments.....these beautiful, simplistic, natural interactions that my babies have. THIS is when my eyes swell up. THIS is when I know I am a good Mommy. THIS is when my heart could burst with Love.

So here I am::::: hair a mess, teeth not brushed, coffee in hand, yawning and under a blanket surrounded by my babies watching Team UmiZoomi and Loving Life 2 hours earlier than I woud've liked to <3

Creamy-Alfredo-Broccoli-Chicken-Ditalini-Chowder

Now, like everything I post that I have made....this is not a recipe that I found. I looked through my cabinets, and my refrigerator and used items available to create a meal. :0)

This meal, is SIMPLE. Like, WHOA-simple.

Ingredients:::
1 Bag of frozen Broccoli 
Boneless, skinless chicken breast
Your favorite Alfredo sauce
Water
8 oz Cream Cheese
Sea Salt
1 box of Ditalini Pasta

:::Some of the Ingredients I used:::

To Make:::

Empty bag of Broccoli into crock pot
Add jar of alfredo sauce
Fill empty jar with water TWICE, and add contents into crock pot
Add 8 oz of cream cheese
Place WHOLE chicken breasts into crock pot (YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO THAW THEM!!!!)
Set Crock pot on HIGH, for 5 hours 

Open crock put and mash contents (chicken will shred, and broccoli will crumble apart)
 add ONE box of Ditalini Pasta
Stir to make sure all pasta is submerged into the liquid.
Continue to cook on HIGH for EIGHT more minutes.
Turn crock pot to LOW
Add Sea Salt to taste
Serve, add Parmesan cheese if desired and......

:::ENJOY!:::

Bon Appetit! :0)

The Air Around Us

I think I've finally gotten a handle on life in a blended family, from the adult perspective. I do my best to try and love the boys as if they were mine ((because in my heart....they ARE.)), while also keeping a conscientious "distance" so as not to make Mommy-Heather feel like I am embarking upon her sacred territory. My intention has never been, nor will it ever be, to replace or encroach upon her role in their life. I simply wish to be given the opportunity and the room to be apart of their lives, in my own way, as well.

From the perspective as the "child" of a blended family.... I am failing.
BIG time.

I am the product of a gene pool consisting of donations from my Mother, Sue, and my Father, Tim. I am also the product of that failed marriage, my Mother's successful remarriage, and my Father's unsuccessful "journey's" thereafter. I had 4 parents (2 biological, 2 Step). I had 7 Grandparents. I had 5 siblings (that I know of). I had 2 homes. And I had 1 therapist. (lol)

I am mutt of Life. I belong to everyone, and I belong to no one.

Growing up my Mom was strong, and I was scared of her. She tried her best to do everything right, because she knew my Bio-Dad did everything wrong. She was at every parent teacher conference, at every school trip and I still remember to this day that she missed just ONE 'Bring-A-Friend-To-Lunch" (for all of you Goshenites to remember haha). She's the one who took me to see the doctor, and I know who was there when I fell. My Mom and I didn't have a super close relationship...I was always very jealous of the bond she had with my Sister, Meghan. My sister would till curl up onto her lap and watch TV when she was 13 years old, something I would never have been able to bring myself to do. My Bio-Dad had filled my head so completely with lies and fabrications against her, the wedge between my Mother and I was clearly defined. She remarried, and I think that had my Bio-Dad not been such a heavy influence in our thoughts....that a close relationship could have formed. Instead, mistrust and anxiety took the place of love and security. I got a stepbrother and a half sister from the their relationship. We went on family vacations to the beach each year, we played "Giant" in our apartment, and we played and laughed by the pool each summer. But, it would seem now that the damage may have already been done.

I never thought in a million years, that after my Father disappeared when I was 13.... the cancer in which he plagued all our lives with would continue to grow and kill our family slowly.

When I was 18, we began to REALLY fall apart. None of us can come to agreement on what exactly transpired. But, it boiled down to me leaving the house and moving in with my then-boyfriend and his family. They were thoughtful, and loving, and caring. And while I cried myself to sleep most nights, it was certainly not because I didn't feel welcomed there. They loved me, they BUILT me a bedroom inside of their home. I, am eternally grateful for all that they did for me. Years, and a few relationships later....I still think of them as adopted family for everything they did.

My Mom, my Stepdad, two of my siblings and I, didn't speak steadily for 5 years after that.

My Mother and I had a few times that we tried to interact, and we even went to therapy. But....we were unable to find common ground.

I have previously explained that I did not have the "World's Most Sought After Father". He was an unpredictable addict, showing up for visitation when he decided to. My Step Mother was the one who fed us, bathed us, dressed us, and spent the weekends (that were meant for our bonding with our Father) with us.

I don't know exactly what the history is through all of my parents, seeing as I was little while it all went on. All I know is that it ruined us. I know their were horrendous court dates, and screaming matches at the designated pick/up and drop/off times. That kind of anger stays with you. It breeds inside of you. You carry it. It filled the relationships we had with ugliness. It has set fires that I am not sure can ever be put out. None of us trust each other, and trust isn't something that comes easily.

Don't get me wrong.

I love my Mom. She is a caring and compassionate person. She throws herself into work, and any project she starts. She has high standards, and isn't easy to please. She strives for success, and demands perfection.

I love my StepDad. He is a hard man to read, and I still don't think that he and I speak the same language. I don't know if we ever will.

I love My Sister, Meghan. She wants to be a reliable, dependable person..... she just isn't at a place in her life where this is a possibility.

I love my Brother, Alex. I don't really know much about the person he has grown into. He and I haven't had a relationship since I was 17/18 years old. 7 years is a long time, and MUCH has changed.

I don't know how to fix this awful, horrible mess. I don't know where to begin. I don't know where it will end. I thought that by having Nola and the amazing gift I was given in having Gavin and Holden, and including them all in the wonderful experience that is their Grandchildren/ niece/ nephews would bridge the gap and give us all a sense of Family again. I thought it would bring us all together and keep us from pushing one another apart.

We have grown to use words as our weapons. Hateful, Ugly things get said. Things that you don't forget, and that linger in your mind. Words that cut, and words that burn.

I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I could look inside, and see to how to mend my family.  Each and every time that we hit this horrendous road block.... I feel like we are all one step closer to not being able to patch the family back together.

So for now....I do what I always do. I distance myself. I put space between me and the anger. I take a step back, and put up my walls. I try and wait out the storm, wait until the venom has lessened, and the coast is clear.

I am just so very frightened for the day that I no longer think that going back and signing the peace treaty is an option. Their will come a day when too much is said, when too much hate is in the air. So much is already there. The air around us is thick with it.

Chicken & Butter Bean Chili

So, Now that I am trying to eat better and lose this Mama-Belly.... I am also trying to cook better. We substitute chicken for beef, and we try to hide.... I mean INCORPORATE more vegetables whenever possible.

I have been making an effort to cook more, because it was something that was bothering me. Working the 4pm to midnight shift makes it HARD to cook a meal for your family. But, as Mama, I find it very much takes away part of the feeling that you are helping to sustain your children and your man.

I made Taco Soup last week, and it was a huge hit in our house! After a raid of what we had in our freezer and our cupboard, I decided to try and make my own chili. I am usually fairly decent at whipping up recipes in my head and making a meal. But, chili is scary. (LOL)

After a lunch time taste test, the verdict::: SUCCESS!

So, if you would like to know how it was made....here you go!

:::Most of the ingredients I used:::

You will need:::
Boneless skinless chicken breasts
Butter Beans
Your choice of Tomato Sauce
Chicken stock (or bullion cubes & water, as I used)
Chili mix
Tabasco Sauce
Adobo
Sea Salt
Chili Powder
Flour
&&&& a crock pot

(1) Open and drain butter beans and place in crock pot.
(2) Place WHOLE chicken breasts into crock pot
(3) Add a half a jar of tomato sauce, and then fill with enough water to cover the two ingredients completely
(4) Pour in  Chili MIX
(5) Place on HIGH for 4-5 hours
(6) Open lid of crock pot, and mash the mixture. The butter beans will mash easily and the chicken will shred.
(7) Add Sea Salt, Tabasco Sauce, Chili powder, and Adobo to taste.
(8) Allow to cook for 1 more hour.
(9) Add flour to thicken the chili
(10) Pour into a bowl, sprinkle on some shredded cheese, and olives and ENJOY!!!!

:::BON APPETIT!:::