2.28.12

I, am happy. <3

Lyrics that sing the songs of my heart

Almost four years ago, I met a Man.

I fell in Love with this Man.
This Man.....had BAGGAGE.
To all my fellow Step-Mama's:::: I am sure you all have your own definition of what "baggage" was. For me, Baggage was : Loving a man who had a separated marriage, a 4 yr old, and another baby on the way (from the separated marriage). Now, I have had MANY a dirty look whilst explaining this set of circumstances, and let me clarify::: I did NOT break up the marriage, I didn't steal a Married-Expectant Father from a Mommy-to-be. He was separated when I met him, thank you very much. You can stop looking down your noses at me now. We were both jaded. But, we shared something else as well::: We are forgiving, and we are compassionate. We are two people that have been hurt and have healed, and hurt again. We have different stories and took different roads to get together. But, somehow our hearts beat in the same rhythm and when we lay in bed together and start to drift off to sleep....our breathing patterns synchronize, and we fall asleep in tune. We needed each other, just like we need the air that keeps our chests rising and falling to the same beat. :0)

"I'm Looking For Baggage That Goes With Mine"

Some of you may have read the above paragraph and thought, "Why on EARTH did you willingly enter into that?!" My answer is simple: I was in love. When he holds me, and I close my eyes....I envision us gray and wrinkled, sitting on our front porch watching our Children run and play in our backyard with our Grandchildren. I AM in love. I looked ahead and I knew what I was getting myself into. But, I looked into his eyes....and all that faded. I looked past custody arrangements, and past all the drama. I knew WE could do it.

"You and Me Together, We Can Do Anything...Baby"

I look in his eyes, and all I see is forever. I look at our babies, and I see a tangible example of our love. They are kind, and they are thoughtful. They smile, and my life lights up. I cannot imagine a day without him or without them. We have had our hard days. By God, we have. But.....once night comes, I always find myself snuggled in his arms waiting for a new day to begin. I look at him, and he is all I want. He is all I need.

"Marry, Me. Today and Everyday"

I look at our children, and I think::: "God, I am so very...very lucky to have them. I don't know what I did right to deserve them, but I am so happy they are mine." I cannot believe that my heart has enough room for so much love inside of it.

"Oh, and when the kids are old enough we're gonna teach them to....FLY."

:::Nola Ainsley Fallon Purcell:::

I wanted a baby, more than I'd ever wanted anything in my whole life.

I had already been blessed with a wonderfully, loving man. I was given a chance to be touched by Mama-ness with the two beautifully imperfect boys we are lucky enough to raise together.

I was so happy.

But....

My body, my soul BEGGED for a baby to grow inside of me. Their were days when I would start crying for no reason, other than I NEEDED to be pregnant. I NEEDED to be a Mommy. I would walk through the mall, and see baby bellies walk passed me....and my eyes would well up. My heart would ache.

Sean and I talked. We talked long and we talked hard. It wasn't your average "let's have our first baby" discussion. We already had two little ones, and all of the responsibility and expenses that they bring. We would talk and every time the conversation ended I always said, "Not now."

We had "The Baby Talk" so many times. I always weighed the pros and cons. It never felt "responsible" to plan a pregnancy. Neither of us had finished college yet, we both had 'jobs' not careers, and we weren't even married yet. ((In all reality, Sean was in fact still legally married to someone who was not me!!!!! LOL))

But, still I'd see a Belly....and my whole day was ruined. I was jealous beyond words. I stopped going to 'Gymboree' and 'The Children's Place', in fear of the Tummy Tea Time meeting that always seemed to take place after my arrival into the store.  I didn't want a baby..... I NEEDED one. 

I needed to feel closer to Sean, I needed to feel connected to my sons. I needed something that was OURS, and I needed to know that we didn't have to share that child with anyone. I needed to know that he and I could make decisions and not have to 'phone-a-friend' first. I needed to be there for EVERY first, and to know that EVERY time I wake up and walk to the crib....a baby would be sleeping there.

We sat down and talked one last time. Sean looked me in the eyes and said, "If we wait until the 'timing is right'...we will never have a baby". He scooped me up into his arms and carried me upstairs. <3

I remember taking a pregnancy test and sitting in the claw-foot bathtub, too scared to glance out over the side to look at the test resting upon the toilet seat. I slumped down, making only the sides of the tub and the ceiling visible. Had their been water inside, I would have been submerged entirely. I waited...thinking I could walk out without looking. ((LOL)) Promising myself no matter what it said, I would be ok. That just because I wasn't pregnant today, didn't mean I wouldn't be soon.

*Peek* "NOT PREGNANT". I died inside. I cried so long and so hard.

I waited 2 more days, I waited until Friday.

I took another test.

Again I crawled into the bathtub.

*Peek*

I was so happy, I cried then too.

I waited two whole days to tell Sean.. I waited until Sunday afternoon. Father's day. :0)

I wrapped the test and put it in a pretty bag.

He opened it and we cried together.

From THAT day, we talked about or love for that baby. We spoke about how perfect he/she would be. We sat for hoursssssss picking names. We talked about how beautiful the boys would look holding their brother or sister.

When it was time to go for the gender sonogram......I was beyond nervous. I had told God that I just wanted a happy, HEALTHY baby. ((But---If he could PLEASE make it a girl, that would be great!))

Sean had been married before.
He had rubbed a baby belly.
He'd had a son.
He had rubbed another belly.
He had had a second son.

I never had a FIRST with him.
I'd never be the first ((or second, SORRY HUN! lol)) he asked to marry him.
I'd never be the first girl in white he watched walk down an aisle towards him.
I'd never be the first 'Mrs. Purcell'.
I'd never get to make him a Daddy for the first time.

I wanted that Little Lady, I wanted a daughter more than anything.
Now, I am not a religious person by any stretch of the word.
I do not attend Church regularly, I do not say Grace.
I am selfish, and I find myself mostly talking to God in moments of turmoil and fear.

Bur during those first 20 weeks, I spoke to God. I talked to him a lot. I asked him to look back on the three years Sean and I had been together. I asked him to look deep within our hearts and to give us our little girl if he believed we were genuinely worthy of such a gift. I asked him to let us love her as much as we so desperately wanted to.

We arrived at that appointment: Me, Sean, Gavin, Holden, and my Mom. We all crammed into that tiny little, poorly lit ultra-sound space. Holden raced a Hotwheel over everyone's feet, and Gavin kept asking the lady what "Channel" our baby was on. ((LOL))

The cold blue jelly was placed on my tummy, and the Tech got to work. As soon as she found the baby.... My heart fluttered. Two beautifully perfect feet, in the shape of a heart appeared on the screen. My baby has perfect toes, I thought.

The Ultra Sound Tech moved around some more and measured what she needed to measure. She told me to breathe, and I realized I was holding my breath!

She smiled at me and said, "Do you want to know what it is?"
Sean grabbed my hand, and said "YES"

"Looks like.....a GIRL to me. Congratulations, Mom and Dad"

I cried then too.

And 13 hours past her due date, our little lady came into this World. I kept every promise I made to God for giving her to me. For giving us our FIRST.

She has brought so much joy and happiness to us all.
She smiles, and my heart grows.
I cannot express the feeling I get when she sees that her brothers have come back home.
Words do nothing to describe how beautiful she is.
I never knew how handsome Sean really is, until he held her in his arms for the first time and tears fell.
I wouldn't have believed anyone if they had told me how complete she would make our family. 

Finalizing all the plans for her upcoming Birthday Party, I cannot believe that the day is almost upon us. It feels like just yesterday she was kicking Sean in the head while he tried to listen to her.

I feel like Sean and I JUST drove to New City to have my belly cast done.

It feels like Holden was just zooming Hotwheels across my tummy "teaching" Nola-Belly how to play.

 I swear I just took a picture of Gavin kissing my ever growing belly.

I love my daughter, and I wish I could slow down how quickly this amazing year is passing us by. <3

((Nola 6 Months Old))

Weirdly Strange, and Strangely Weird

A lemur? We don't even carry lemurs! I'm not even sure I know what a lemur is! Wait, is that that small primate-looking thing?

An accountant. According to the word, it must be a cross between a counter and a mutant and that may be precisely what we need. 

Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart.

Mortamer fetch!.....Stupid zebra.

 Anything can happen. How absolutely true. You're exactly the mutant I'm looking for! You're hired.

  A stroke, you unbrookable ninny. The only stroke I have ever had is one of genius.

 No. We Breathe. We Pulse. We Regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. Thirty-seven seconds, well used, is a lifetime.

Just needed to take a moment to document the Wonderment that is Mr. Magorium.
He makes me ever so happy.
THE END.

<3 love <3

April is Autism Awarness Month

With April quickly approaching, and many people talking about the Move-a-Thon, I felt compelled to write.

When I met Gavin, he was four years old. He didn't speak in complete sentences, and being an assistant teacher in a Daycare....I saw red flags. He could, however, count backwards and forwards to 500. Again, though I was incredibly proud and BEAMED with joy for his ability---I saw red flags. He had a very difficult time putting words to his emotions. Things like, "I feel mad" or "I am Happy" didn't come to him easily.

He fixated on a specific group of toys, and new EVVVVVVERYTHING their was to know about them. My favorite game to play with him, "Race The Clock", a game I created after seeing his ability.I would dump out every single Thomas The Tank Engine & Friends toy he had into a pile, and then picking them up one by one as FAST as I could with a stop watch, we would  see how fast he could name them. He was fast. Really fast. When we weren't "Racing The Clock", he would methodically act out scenes from episodes of the show. I learned very quickly if I wanted to play trains with him, and not get yelled at, I needed to watch said episode and play and use dialog that was appropriate from the episode that he was pulling his information from.

Gavin did not try new foods easily, did not welcome change, and was a MONSTER when life got in the way of a days schedule and you had to inform him that something needed to be cancelled or rescheduled.He didn't hug often, and he never 'pursed' or 'puckered' his lips for kisses.

Gavin began attending the Daycare where I worked, and I had the opportunity to see him in a whole new environment. At 4 years old he preferred to play parallel  to his classmates, rather than WITH them. The class would break up into small groups of 3 or 4 children and make a Lego Tower, or a foam block castle....but Gavin would be separate. He would be close...but not "with" the group.

My baby was....."different" from other children that were 4 years old.

At his Kindergarten screening, they told us that he presented some issues with lack of attention. And that his answer's were, "Not Typical." Not wrong....just, different than any other child's.

Kindergarten was hard. He was teased and bullied on the bus, and LORD HELP ME I spent more time on the phone with the school and at the bus garage trying to make sure he was safe at school than I did breathing that year.

First Grade was also rough, more talk of his lack of attention, and his inability to stay on task. But, the two teacher's he had were always so kind and so endearing that we never felt the issue was worth being too concerned about. It's difficult to know whether you are being a parent who over reacts...or one who UNDER reacts. As a Mama, you don't want to do either.

First Grade ended and summer came....Then, the 'tics' soon followed. We all noticed the semi-violent head twitching. The 'kicking' he did with his chin towards the ceiling. Gavin had always had a "habit" of clearing his throat, but with the addition of the physical 'tics', we couldn't help but wonder if the throat clearing was habit....or something more? We discussed our concerns as Co-Parents. We decided now was the time to play the "Better Safe Than Sorry" card. We made an appointment with his pediatrician and Heather and I went to speak with him while Sean was stuck at work. We voiced our concerns and explained the research we had done. The hours that she and I had spent on Google at our respective homes, was CRAMMED into a 15 minute doctor's appointment. He was fair, and he was honest. Saying that if we felt that strongly about our concerns, then we were his parents and we should not stop until we heard the answer we wanted. But, alas.... he fully admitted that he genuinely had very little experience with the things we were discussing and he recommended we see a developmental pediatrician.*GASP*

We found one we all agreed on, and Valhalla called to us.

August 3, 2011.

Sean and I had to adventure together, because Mommy-Heather was stuck at work. We all knew that putting off the appointment any longer would be detrimental to Gavin, no matter how much we ALL wanted to be there. So, we the three of us made the choice to keep the appointment, and that Heather would be there in spirit. Sean and I sat side by side in the too-small-for-the-chairs-they-have-in-there, room. We sat amidst the Doctor and the 3 interns he had observing.  We sat with Gavin on my lap, and they talked about him like he wasn't there. It was blunt, and emotionless, and void of facial expression.

"We believe your son has Asperger's, Tourtette's and ADHD."

BAM! A heavy blow, right to the heart.

It was a hard car ride home. Sean spent the ride choking back tears, and I spent the ride explaining everything that the doctor had said, to Gavin. He was curious, and once I had explained the appointment to him in child appropriate terms...he was actually relieved. He was so excited to hear that their was a word for the "Weird" things he does, and was THRILLED to learn that their are other kids and people just like him!

We got back to my Mom and Dad's house, where Holden and Nola had been, and took a minute to go outside and collect our thoughts. It would take a few days for the reality of those 9 words to set in. But, Heather was on her way to pick the boys up and we had to regroup and put our game faces on. We had had our time to think, and to cry, and hold each other in weakness. She deserved her chance to be emotional and to break down. She needed us to be strong, and she needed us to allow her to have her moment to be weak. The three of us sat on My Parents' front porch, and I told her everything that Dr. Belkin had told us.

She had her moment. And we all sat on that porch together in silence as just a few tears escaped from behind her sunglasses, and fell from her cheeks to her chest. An appropriate place for them to land, right on her heart.

Something happened in that moment.
Something changed between the three of us in those silent moments.
We were all a little closer as Co-Parents, after that.
Suddenly, we weren't taking separate roads down our sons' future.
We had to change lanes and end up together, riding the hills and valley's of life together, for their sake.
We, were TEAM GAVIN.

We quickly realized that, while it was an initial blow to our hearts, his diagnosis (which were all confirmed after testing in July/September 2011), do not DEFINE him. He is still our Gavin, and placing a label on him didn't change anything. He is the same little boy I met 3+ years ago, Asperger's or no Asperger's.

I have also had the privilege of having made two  AMAZING new friends, Cheryl Broach-McClinsey and her husband Jason. They also (Ironically) has a Gavin with Asperger's and Tourette's. And it is beyond comforting to know that other parents know what we go through, and that we can send a simple text saying "Ugh" and we both just know.

Dealing with anxiety attacks, rigid routines, self doubt, a child that HATES turtle necks, dealing with a lesser amount of hugs and kisses than "normal" (and knowing how VERY special they are when you get them!), dirty looks in supermarkets and at the mall, little/no eye contact, and a laundry list of other quirks....bring us all together <3

We are our own little community, and we all speak a language foreign to others. We have challenges that other parents know nothing about. But, we have rewards that they cannot understand as well.

My sons name is, Gavin.

<3 And I love him from here....to the Moon. <3